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Through the Looking Glass

I've taken some time off to do a lot of self reflecting this past week.

If you believed that, I have a money tree out back and some unicorns I'd like to sell you.

I spent most of my time shoving tissues up my nose, yelling at the dogs to stop eating the snotty used tissues and watching season one of Heroes.

Whenever the odd personal revelation would pop into my brain I'd chase it away with a steaming cup of NeoCitran. Nothing like over the counter cold medication to chase away the demons and let the sunshine in. Who needs therapy and antidepressants?*

*Just kidding Doc, if you are reading this.

One morning last week I reached for yet another tissue to staunch the flow of mucous seeping from my sinuses and stealing away my will to live only to discover the box was empty.

So with a Herculean effort, I pulled my jiggly arse cheeks off the couch, wiped my nose on my sleeve (puh-leez, like YOU have never done that) and moseyed into the bathroom in search of disposable paper products to shove up my nostrils.

As I tore apart my bathroom vanity, I realized several things.

1.) I have never finished a tube of sunscreen before opening another and therefore have at least a bakers dozen of half used sunscreen products shoved into several drawers.

2.) I seem to have developed quite the collection of toothbrushes, all in their original packaging. I could pretend I keep buying them for all the unexpected overnight guests we never have or I could just chalk it up to absentmindedness.

3.) There wasn't a damn box of tissues to be found all though I did discover an expired package of condoms, an opened jar of leg wax I forgot I had and a wig I bought on a lark days after Shalebug died.

4.) I not only collect shiny new tooth brushes, but I seem to be addicted to buying spectacles.

Sitting on my bathroom floor surrounded by an assortment of lube products, toothbrushes and lotion bottles, I wiped my nose (with a face cloth, not my sleeve. I'm not an animal dammit.) and counted how many pairs of glasses I have purchased in the last two years.

I started to calculate how much money I had tossed toward my myopic astigmatic eyeballs but my head started to swim when I realized if my husband ever decided to use a Chinese water torture treatment to extract definite figures of my spending habits I'd be better off pleading ignorance honestly than cracking under the pressure and admitting my monetary shame.

Some girls love makeup, others have a weakness for manicures and some enjoy owning a closet full of shoes.  Me? I have a thing for frames.

I blame my parents for this. If they hadn't saddled me with some real ego-busters back when I first started wearing glasses I may not be obsessed with buying all the pairs of cute glasses I happen to stumble on as an adult.

(There is not enough liquor or drugs to block out the memory of those clear plastic frames I wore until they shattered during a particularly cold winter's morning on the way to school or the giant, cover my entire face, over sized green frames I chose when I had a fever and mononucleosis.)

I wear contact lenses too, but I prefer glasses. I don't wear jewelery. I wear glasses.

I also played Dungeons and Dragons in high school and have a rudimentary understanding of the language of Klingon. Don't judge me.

Since I had to actually comb my hair for work purposes yesterday, I decided I'd show you what I've been spending my husband's money on in the last 24 months.

Consider this the first step to overcoming my addiction. Or just a really lame way out of avoiding my inner demons and escaping from posting any real content.

Whoot! Two birds with one stone!!

Feel free to make fun of me any time. You'll fit right in with my husband.

Photo 189

This is my "OHHH!" look. You'll see this on me whenever I cuss in front of Boo's 92 year old Christian nana or drop an F-bomb in front of my 3 year old nephew who repeats everything I say like the annoying parrot he is. I love these glasses.

Photo 123

This is my "I'm in your Internetz, reading your thoughtz" look. Or, as my husband would say, "Get your damn hair out of your eyes, Tanis," look. These are my newest specs. I bought them because they are bright blue on the inside and on the arms.

Photo 193

Ah, the sexy librarian look, or in this case, "I'm sweating so much my hair is actually dripping" look. It's hot. This pair of glasses were the pair that set off my spending spree. I blame Drew Carey.

Photo 184

This picture is how I look most days. Proof that I either have a severe facial tic that needs medical attention or I have absolutely no sense of shame and can openly mock myself. You decide. I stole these glasses off a homeless person hitch hiking down the highway. I'm such a badass that way.

Photo 186

Here I either bit my tongue, am sucking on a sour candy or am trying to imitate Betty Boop. I forget. Either way, I'm wearing my the glasses I seem to wear the most.

So ya. Six Five (one pair had a missing nose piece that felt like it was trying to gouge a third nostril whenever I put them on so no pics of those babies) pairs of glasses in two years.

Funny, I spend all day peering through the looking glass and yet I still feel like I'm falling down the rabbit hole most days.
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Reader Comments (86)

Hehe, my kids do the same thing with the camera and PhotoBooth on my laptop! I like the glasses.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHockeymandad

you almost have me convinced to get a nose ring just to spite sugarhubs.
also this post made me miss you. and metallica.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Sugarpants

I think I love you more....

You have an addiction to funky framed glasses like I do....however, I don't have the money to indulge!

If only...

You rock, Tanis!!!!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

My god it's good to have you back again. Seriously... it is. Oh and by the way, condoms expire? Fuck.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOut-Numbered

Costco has some wicked face furniture for cheap. Just saying...

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo

Everyone loves the Sexy Librarian look.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChag

Tanis Miller: Making specs respectable again.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteralways home and uncool

I wish I had so many cool frames. I just have the one nerd pair.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNatalie

I love that you love glasses. And you look HAWT in all of em~!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpgoodness

Is the librarian busy later? RAWR

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLu ~ @masmom

This post makes me glad I still only need readers, buck a pop at the $ tree.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrainwolf

Actually, the sexy librarian picture looks more like: "I just pulled my hand out of my armpit, and boy, do I need to get new deodorant!" ;)

Love, love, love... and the last pair's my fave.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNenette

Hey! I've got those sexy librarian glasses, too! I should *technically* be wearing them right now because I need them to read, but they're across the room and I'm too lazy to go get them. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, we could totally wear them at the same time and be twins. It would work, too, except for that annoying part where you're way hotter than me. Damn you!

You look damn good for someone with a cold. I don't look that good right now.
I love all those frames.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

I need new frames, I want new frames but apparently I spend it all on shoes. I love your all of your frames...maybe one day I will tell you about how rudely I was treated at the local posh Frame store just as I was about to drop 400 dollars on just one pair of frames...yeah they miss my business.
(yesssss to all three)
But I do have a closet full of shoes and a draw full of make up and a few too many motorcycles.
Chicks with glasses rule!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermarla

I'm only going to make fun of you because you totally put on make up to take those pictures.

Nice lips.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMom101

And what does 'I love your all of your frames' mean..what I mean is You Are Hot...but you do know that already right?

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermarla

I may be nearsighted, but I can tell you are gorgeous through and through.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Heh. Very nice glasses. I tend to wear mine more than jewelry, too, but I only have The Indoor Pair [pink & silver] and The Sunglasses.
I have cute, colorful sunglasses that go with contacts, too, but I don't wear those very much. Alas.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAl_Pal

Love your glasses collection... I can never find mine so I peer a lot.

One question: does that nosering get in the way of a good nose-blow during a cold? I'm thinking residue here...

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBush Babe

I so want to get different frames but my eyes change so damn fast that I don't get a chance. Someday I will have a pair for everyday of the week.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDomestic Extraordinaire

I spent years trying to make glasses look good on me. My husband finally said I would never master that look and stick w/ the contacts.

He's good with honesty...and forks in the eye.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmo

In the last two years I've arrived at that age when my arms are no longer long enough for me to hold items far enough away for me to read them. I have a very nice collection of cheap reading glasses. There are 3 pair in the end table drawer right now (I don't need the to WATCH tv), there are 2 pair in my crochet bag ( I can only wear one pair at a time) a pair in my purse and a pair in the nightstand. Hello, my name is Linda and I am a Frameaholic.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

I have the same spending problem, only it's for horses. I blame my parent...if they just would have bought me that pony I asked for..

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLucky Girl

Damn, girl! You are smokin' hawt in your specs! I especially like the lipstick!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Behavin

would. totally. hit. that. shit.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

You don't want to know what CJ said about your pictures.

Okay, I'll tell you anyway. She said you look my mother-in-law, with a wig.

My mother-in-law should be extremely flattered by how CJ views her. You, on the other hand, might beat my middle child if ever you meet her.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie @ The Mom Slant

love the librarian

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChris Mak

You really look gorgeous in those photos. And this is the last genuine and sincere comment you'll ever get from me. :P

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

My first thought on reading this was "Hey, a pair of glasses for every one of her personalities!" and then I realized that kinda makes you sound a little psychotic, which totally was not my intention. So, instead I'll just ask where you got the rocking bright blue ones because they are awesome.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPrincessJenn

All those glasses are adorable. You look terrific in all of them!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterliz

You're reading my mind. I'm going to get new glasses tomorrow. I broke mine.

I'm looking for smart whore. Which one is that?

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMotherhood Uncensored

You need to check out zennioptical.com! Cheap, cheap, cheap!!!!! I bought my daughter 6pr for $142!!!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentershelli

Very very very cute frames!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJanie

am hypnotized by nosering. how do you pick/blow nose with that thing? does it hurt when you use that side to sleep on? have you ever snagged it on anything?

so curious.

ps tanis has pretty hair

the end

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterthatgirlblogs

You know, I have always wanted to wear glasses. But my eyes are okay. I blow my money on books. Okay, mysteries and cookbooks. Yeah I know...

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTawnya

I hate to help you with your addiction ... but zennioptical.com ... right from China, inexpensive (REALLY REALLY) but just as good as what you get anywhere else. I like quantity too.

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

I thought I was bad. I only have 4 pairs! I know it's just one less but still I'm calling it a huge victory!

October 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLovingDanger

@Avitable, I don't know who hijacked Adam's account, but he's gonna be pissed. ;)

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRebTurtle

I sent the check. Still awaiting the unicorn. Perhaps I should have paid more for a tracking number.....

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRebTurtle

well that's time well spent. I like the blue pair, but blue is my favorite color and they make your eyes look bluer

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

What Chag said.

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

I love a woman in glasses (obviously, *pushes specs up*). and you, m'dear, are so friggin' cute I just want to smoosh you.

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkdiddy

Condoms have expiration dates?

Is that why I have three kids and well, never mind.

As far as those glasses go, they ALL look alike.

You are insane, you try the same thging over and over again expecting different results.

Try round glasses, little ones and oh so big ones. And that nose ring, get a second one so Bo can strap you on when he is feeling all manly.

Then you can demand he gets two to attach to his little boys purse, and you can get tied together. My, what a image that makes LOL

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

Hmmmm.... 2nd and last frames I think look the best on you. Almost makes ME want to get my glasses prescription filled and stop squinting at everything. Cuz, ya, I need MORE issues like being a 4-eyed freak. And squinting and walking into walls is so much hotter. ;)

Seriously glad you're feeling... and looking.... better.

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWackyMummy

I only have two pairs of glasses. Black and brown, because I will not mix black with brown.

Now if you want to talk about buying shoes in order to dull the pain... well... *ahem*

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Britt

what Outnumbered said. Condoms expire? no wonder I have four kids.

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter@marymac

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by marymac. marymac said: RT @redneckmommy A week later: self-imposed blog silence is over.New post.With pix.And the opportunity to mock me!Weee! http://bit.ly/2k5ooQ [...]

The reference to a rudimentary understanding of Klingon just raised your "respectable badassness" factor in my book.

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

I really love glasses 1. 3 and 5 are runners up :)

And I was inflicted with the big owl eyed glasses until I was fifteen...and conveniently "lost" my glasses. Of course I did so when I was tubing with friends down a river and my tube was sucked under a submerged tree and I got tangled in the roots..but that's not here nor there. According to my parents I lost them lol. And since I'm blind as a bat and my glasses would take 2 weeks to come in I was welcomed into the wonderful world of contacts and never looked back.

And damn you for looking so awesome when you're sick! If I could look that great..even if it's only when I'm healthy..I'd be doing much better with the men lol

October 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLoural

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