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I Have Way Too Much Time On My Hands

I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to happily ignore the fact that I was nominated for Best Canadian Blog in the 2009 Bloggies.

It was enough just to be nominated. I'd take that honour and hold it near and dear to my heart and let the votes fall as they may. I would just celebrate my nomination and rejoice alongside all the other candidates. I would set the example for maturity and class while being up for a blog award.

I, for once, would not make my husband cringe with embarrassment when he opened his laptop at night and read my blog. I would make him proud.

Then I saw this:

You mess with the bull, Mr. Lady, you will get the horn.

I know, I know. A mature, responsible, classy lady would read the blog post, possibly sigh at the obvious lack of maturity being exemplified by another blogger and then move on with her head held high.

But have you met me? Class isn't exactly my strong suit. And let's not even examine how mature and responsible I am. The government tried that once and the therapist is still in shock.  I am the Redneck Mommy for a reason yo. Reasons that exclude all things classy and may include being known for shoving twizzlers up her nose to make her children laugh.

I could take the high road and let Shannon wallow in the mud all by herself. That would be the right thing to do, the angelic voice of reason whispers in my ear.

I could simply laugh and let her pander for votes and try and steal my title as the reigning queen of Canadian Bloggers away from me.

I could.

But I won't.

Because that annoying little angelic voice of reason is currently being smacked down by the much more powerful little demonic voice that likes to jump on my shoulder and prod me with her devil horns.

If Mr. Lady wants a blog smack down, who am I to ignore that? 

Let the jello wrestling commence.

In the eye of the tiger...

Who doesn't enjoy a little female boxing match every now and then? Especially while wearing bikinis. Sure Mr. Lady may have to pad her bikini top and wax that upper moustache thing she has got going on, but it'll still be hot. I promise.

While I've got her in a headlock, let me point out to you that she is a fraud. She is no lady Canadian. She is an American. Sure she may reside in our beautiful country. But she is from the STATES. She is an American posing as a Canadian while the Canadian government keeps a watchful eye on her because of her tendency to traffic Mexican dildos into our country.

Trust a Yank to try and wrest away the title for Best Canadian Blog from rightful CANADIANS.

So peoples, be warned of this fraudulent activity. Sure she's cute (after all, she is my doppleganger) and she may have a clever little blog that will have you howling in laughter and possibly peeing in your pants a little (you try squeezing out three ten pound watermelon sized babies and see how intact your bladder is,) but ask yourself, is that really reason enough to vote for such a poseur?

All right, it is. Mr. Lady's blog rocks.

But I have one two things that our American friend in sheep's clothing does not.

Canadian citizenship and nipple rings.

Consider that as you cast your vote in the 2009 Bloggies, dear Internets.

This message brought to you by the winner of the 2008 Bloggies Best Canadian Blog. 

My husband will be so proud.

So wander over to the website and go check out all the candidates. There are some fantastic blogs up for awards and I'm proud to be included amongst them. Vote, or don't (I mean, this is just a blog award, not the freaking Nobel Peace Prize or anything,) but watch out for a certain hairy little American living in Canada who keeps trying to sell you a purple passion penis.

She's trouble. Especially when she's drunk and trying to stick her tongue down your throat.

This concludes today's public service announcement.

You are welcome.

***A big round of applause for my evil accomplice, my Manatee, for without him, I'd be stuck trying to actually trying to write a post instead of distracting y'all with pretty pictures.***
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Reader Comments (75)

*just dies laughing* Oh my gosh, those pictures are killing me over here!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterUntypically Jia

For the record, I don't import Mexican dildos. I import Cabana Boys. AND THEY LOVE IT.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

Now I'm torn. Mr. Lady is sort of a fake Canadian though. Decisions, decisions...

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJim

You guys better hope I never move to Canada - that's all I'm sayin'...


This was freakin' awesome.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwordnerd

Poor decapitate Shannon in that first picture! At least your head looks like it could possibly belong on the picture to which it is digitaly attached.

Good luck to you both. I can't choose. So I voted for you both, using different email addresses!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill

i think I just hurt myself laughing.

This ought to be good

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Jill, a manatee can only work with what he has.

It's bad when I read this, hit the pics that I made, and giggle. Much love my only Canadian mistress.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWill

Hmmm... go with the hometown girl (Mr. Lady), or the epitome of redneck Canada? How to decide... how to decide...

Love the wrestling pic by the way... it looks as real as wrestling does. ;)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermandy

Look, Mr. Lady just sent me one of those exotic Mexican cabana boys as a bribe and I want to know what you are offering.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkatie ~ motherbumper

You both forget: everyone loves the UNDERDOG! WATCH OUT! ;)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHaley-O

Your Highness, may I say your mud wrestling technique is truly impressive? Who knew Canadians could do more than hit a hockey puck? ;-)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElisa

...mud wrestling or was it jell-o wrestling?

Uh, which one was I supposed to vote for? Can't I just watch, voting is hard and stuff...;)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIrish Gumbo

Manatee -- Your work is impecable, and you're obviously paid to make Tanis look better anyway :-)

Now that I look at it again, Shannon kind of looks like Holly Hunter with all that hair. I love Holly Hunter! Might have to cast another vote.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Speaking for myself (as if I could speak for any other person), and as a male, I would like to say: I am sitting back and watching with a smile.

Looking forward to more posts!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCharlie on the PA Tpk

Nice, Charlie. Very Nice. :)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

Forget the cabana boys, Mr Lady BABYSITS. What are you offering up, oh authentic canadian? And don't you have THREE things, then - assuming there's more than one ring + citizenship...?

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZoeyjane

Y'all are nuts. Utterly hilarius. But nuts all the same.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKendall


January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKendall

Bring it on Redneck!! I was already over at Mr. Lady's this morning and I can see that you are turning up the heat!! Love it! One commenter over there said she would vote for the one with nicer boobs and since i don't know too much about that (until I see this mud-wrestling match firsthand) I said I would vote for the one I know exists - cause I've actually heard from Mr. Lady on occasion....

Now I KNOW you're big time and all - you've got one million readers- I do acknowledge that - but a quick direct reply from the Redneck herself will put you back in the race for me... no pressure.


January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLee the MWOB Queen

Who knew Lee was so easily bought? :)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

Bwahahaha ... never have I been more proud to be Canadian.

Off to vote!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermommyknows

I actually love the both of you, but since Mrlady confessed to not actually being Canadian, I voted for you...because you're actually Canadian lol :) Don't hate me Mrlady!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

Still waiting for the jello fight.

I am thinking green jello. To go with my eyes...

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Go, Tanis!
Go, Tanis!
Go, Tanis!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRhea

So the proverbial line in the sand has been drawn then. This should be an epic campaign....I can't wait to see how it unfolds! Good luck to you both...you are certainly both very deserving of this award.

On another note, how do you respond to the accusations that Bill Ayers left an overly friendly comment on your blog back in the Seventies? :)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

This was too funny...

As an American I was torn between whom I should support. I really like Mr. Lady's suggested choice of Whiskey and I really like Redneck's Mother boobs.

What to do - what to do? Suggestions?

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPops

So I am totally adding you to my reads! Funny stuff ay! I have been reading mr.lady's blog for awhile now, and your name keeps popping up there, and on other blogs. So in all fairness to the voting process I thought I would check you out! :) Love it, but unlike lee I am not easily bought :) and I have to stick with my fellow american in disgise. :) lol, seriously though,I like your blog and it will be a tough decision for those that have read both for awhile now yo.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersuper mama

You got my vote! Good luck!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMarie {Make and Takes}

I have been reading your blog for over a year now and at first I really enjoyed it. But for the last few months the quality of your posts has dropped and I find it increasingly more difficult to get through the insipid drivel you call writing.

Perhaps if you were less concerned with winning lame internet awards and more concerned with parenting your children and being a good writer your blog wouldn't be so damn bad to read.

I know other people will disagree with me but I will not be voting for you. Stick with flirting with all the men on the internet and acting like a common whore. You seem very good at that.

Lastly, I won't be voting for any of the finalists in the Canadian category, including your friend's blog because they all are horrible. And yes I checked them all out.

Perhaps you Canadians should stick to what you are best suited for: making maple syrup and sending all your best hockey players to the States.

(And I didn't include a web site because I don't have one.)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJolene

LMAO @ Jolene. Bitter much?

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChibi Jeebs

Tanis, I heart your insipid drivel. For every hater, there are about 20 of us shallow lame asses that love your whore ass ;)

Dang... How uptight must one be to attack someone else's writing. On their own blog. Maybe Jolene should visit some classier websites, and she wouldn't be so let down? Honestly, at what point do you stop blaming the writer and start blaming the reader? Hint: If you don't care for it, just don't read it. Its so easy!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErin

ok.. i never leave comments on blogs. but wow, what the horse!!!??? where did that came from?? i know why ms. jolaine does not have a website.. !!!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternelia

I completely disagree with Jolene. Tanis is nothing like a common whore. No matter how many times I have tried to hit on her, or get her to meet me in a hotel in Alberta for a secretive tryst, she always has one answer:

"It's going to cost you 300 bucks!"

"Three hundred bucks?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"What do you think -- that I am a common whore?" she will answer.

So there it is. The truth. Tanis is not a common whore by a long shot. She is more of a high-priced hooker.

She is also a pretty funny writer. And a good one. But if Mr. Lady puts out, forget about me voting for Redneck Mommy.

And remember, Tanis -- last year I voted for Schmutzie.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNeil

I don't just come here for the posts ... even the comments are entertaining.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermommyknows

wow! that was hilarious! good lord some people need to get a life. you don't like it? stop reading. period. leave the blog for the rest of to enjoy! exclamation point!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternatalie

Why am I feeling like this was all just a set-up so you two could wrestle each other?

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMomo Fali

I loved reading this post with the music in the back ground. You are AWESOME! You have my vote, even though I am an American.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

whiskey in a sippy cup? tanis, i love you and have for years (in a totally non-stalker kind of way, of course) but this woman is clearly a genius. what to do, what to do?

pin a tail on a bitter clueless twit *cough*jolene*cough* and go make dinner, i guess.

good luck to you both!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEricka

Jolene sucks donkey balls.

I am holding on to my ballot, nice and close. I can't wait to see what you two are willing to do for it! HAHAHAHAHA

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersam {temptingmama}

There's nothing braver than leaving a nasty comment critizing someone's writing (and their country) and leaving no web address. Awesome.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJanna

I am too bitter about not being nominated this year. I have been for the last three years! bitter I tell you!

I'm voting for Perez Hilton


January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterjenB

ok, not last year. or the year before. Ok, maybe just last year.:-) But the Canadian weblog awards like me.

Ok, I will toss a coin.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterjenB

"Perhaps you Canadians should stick to what you are best suited for: making maple syrup and sending all your best hockey players to the States."

As a proud Canadian, that actually made me laugh my ass off. Jolene, people like you are the reason half the world thinks all Americans are ignorant *insert string of curse words here*. (Hi, other Americans. I don't think you are. I'm simply making a stereotype comment, since it was so thoughtfully brought)

So why don't you crawl back under your rock, and let the rest of us enjoy the so-called insipid drivel (did you have to used a thesaurus for that one?) that we all find amusing.

T, you so have my vote. That's all.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Grown Up Teenager

Oh, Jolene, my blog IS total shit. EVERYONE knows this. And so would you if you'd actually read it. Which you didn't. Because I checked. But thanks for saying you did.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

The post was hilarious, the comment even funnier, but Mr Lady's previous post was the icing.

I love you both. The decision will be difficult.

I will be at bliss09, feel free to wooo me then. ;)

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmo

I'll have to see you both naked before making my decision.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

Please people! Give that Jolene chick a break... she's just got one of those 'imported' Mexican dildo's stuck up her ass.

- I don't have a website because I'm too damn busy reading all these common whore bloggies to actually sit down and write my own.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShawnah

I've made out with both of you, so what is a girl to do????

Flip a coin?

Go with whomever has no STD'S?

Maybe I should go with that last one. Heh.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

you crack me up!

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJanie

Oh gee, I'm from the STATES so does that mean I have to vote for Mr. Lady? *thinking...thinking...pondering...thinking* No, it does not. Of course I'll vote for you Tanis. Miss Faux - Canadian needs to haul her buttocks back to the states. :)

January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterpreTzel

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