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Wednesday
Jul022008

Hearing Loss, Humor Gain

***Updated below***

If one doesn't take into consideration that I'm female and thereby batshit crazy one week out of every month, I am a relatively stable and normal person.

Heh. I don't care what the shrink says. I'm well-adjusted.

My husband likes to point out to me (usually when he's been drinking and feeling particularly brave) that if I had been born any earlier in history, I would have likely spent much of my time locked up in a sanitorium, eating bugs out of my hair and talking with my invisible friends.

I like to point out to him that this crazy women is fairly bendy and if he'd like to make use of this talent he ought to keep his flapping yapper shut.

So I can get a little nutty. Things could be worse for my husband. I could be nutty, unpliant, rigid and look like the back end of an ape. He should be counting his blessings. Nuts are good for the soul. Plus, they are natural laxatives. Ask my husband. He throws a shit fit about something I did on a regular basis.

Heh.

Life recently got a whole lot crazier around here as I have been struggling with the latest bout of plague. The inmates were running the aslyum and the zookeeper was too damn sick to do anything more than moan and beg for water. My kids ate more sugar cereal and processed cheese this last week than I care to know. I get constipated just thinking about it.

Thankfully, life has returned back to it's regularly programmed schedule of Redneck hijinks and looney tunes. Except, there's been a twist.

I've gone deaf.

I have lost all hearing in my left ear and my right ear sounds like it's submerged underwater. Picture me doing a whole lot of yelling "Pardon me?" "Speak up, I can't hear you!" and my personal favorite, "What??? EHHHHH???? You talkin' to me?"

While I've always been a little on the nutty side, I'm now officially driving my family crazy. Heh. Welcome to my world, my lovelies. Glad you've decided to join me. Don't be alarmed when you start hearing voices in your head.

The doctors I have seen are comfortable in telling me this is only a temporary hearing loss, part middle ear obstruction and part viral infection. Nothing that time and a handful of colorful pills won't fix.

Meanwhile, every time I lay down my husband is trying to stuff candles in my ear, shoot hot water into my brain or pour oil into my plugged canals.


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I suppose this is mildly less annoying than him waving his Mr. Pickle in my face.

But if I have to hear about one more idea for his home remedies I can't guarantee I won't end up bouncing off a padded wall somewhere.

Meanwhile, hilarity ensues. (For me. My husband, friends and relatives aren't as easily amused.)

Because, as I'm discovering in my boggy-eared state, there are a LOT of words that rhyme with f*ck.

And while I suck at reading lips, I apparently am quite skilled in the dirty minded department. Just ask my husband who took his deaf wife out to watch the fire works last night and mingle with the local townsfolk.

He had to keep explaining to me that most people were not asking to tickle my ass with a feather.

They were just making commentary on our particularly nice weather.

Heh.

Funny, I kinda liked my version better.

***Update***

It's a good thing I like my version better. Apparently, I may have to get used to life without hearing in stereo. The doctors are now insisting I've suffered nerve damage and the hearing in my left ear may never be restored.

Shiiiit.

This is what happens when you agree to try your husband's peckercillin. Contrary to his insistence, it is not the cure-all he believes.

Wink, wink.
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Reader Comments (42)

How come I'm now humming Yankee Doodle Dandy after you brought up the word feather.

I blogged about a few crazy things women do today as well.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTravis Erwin

I said it before, I'll say it again: heating pad, covered with a towel. Seriously, it works.

And failing that, just be happy he's putting the oil in your ear.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSciFi Dad

Ha ha! I get shit all the time from my dear husband. We suspect I have an actual hearing problem, although it's never been tested or diagnosed, and I spend my days going, "huh???" and "say that again...?"

Now they know how it feels to be ignored!

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDarcie

You should be happy he's not sticking Mr. Pickle in your ear. Or asking you for things that rhyme with duck because you wouldn't be able to hear and he'd take it as a yes...lol.

Aside from that, what have the kids been saying that is not pg-rated while you can't hear them??

See all the potentially bad things that could be going wrong right now???

I would keep popping those colorful pills and try the heating pad idea that SciFi Dad said. Even if it doesn't work, at least you could lay down for a while...

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

You know, if it doesn't clear up by then, this ailment could have a "*uckload" of possibilities for hilarity at BlogHer.

*what letter could it be? A "T"? An "S"? An "M"? The "Other, Naughtiest Letter"?

Heh.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

you're not seriously complaining about not being able to hear your kids, are you? THAT would be nutty.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

I have to comment because I just got rid of the same problem. I am officially hearing at 100% but it took 3+ weeks! Took a prescription of prednisone to finally get rid of it. And it felt like I had a cloud in my ear. Is it me or does this cause you to have a new found appreciation for your ability to hear? The "bogginess" sort of puts you in your own little world.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaura Jean 2

Get your ears flushed. You'll be amazed at what comes out. Trust me.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

Home remedies. Hah.
Here's mine.
Crawl into bed.
Fall asleep.
Wake up in time to pack for San Fran.
The end.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

My 3 year old walked up to me this morning with a handful of poop and said, "Look what came outta my butt!"
My 12 year old told me"this house is where fun goes to die" when I wouldn't let him put his skateboard ramp in the middle of the street.
My 9 year old just asked me what a lesbian was.
I would cut off my left boob for hearing loss.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMommy Who?

You went to see wire forks? Oh, fireworks...I didn't hear ya for a second there.

On the bright side you can hear less arguing between the siblings.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTracey_iPost

"Nothing that time and a handful of colorful pills won’t fix." I like colorful pills. :-)
Your blog is hilarious. I'll be back.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTeri

Oh God, Mommy Who? I think I'd be DRIPPING melted wax into my ears at that point....

T - Wait'll your ear suddenly gets better and EVERYTHING SEEMS SO LOUD. :)

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdaysgoby

LOL I never realized that "particularly nice weather" rhymes with tickle my ass with a feather! I'm dieing laughing!!

You should milk this no hearing thing for all its worth. When the kids want something they shouldn't have , or start to fight with one another and then want you to referee just keep saying "Wha ?? Huh ? I can't hear you" Until they give up in frustration

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

You poor thing. But hey, ignore away while you have the excuse, right?

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

Candle wax... pickle.... Candle wax... pickle. Hmmmm... I vote candle wax.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

darlingest.

once everyone figures out your version is better the world will be a better place.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

I have nothing specific, but you never fail to crack me up! This post was great!!

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpgoodness

Ha! "Pickle" That's what I THOUGHT you said, meant! Very funny, It is true though! According to men that is a cure all for anything and everything!! (Still laughing) Good luck with all the remedies! Careful with the "pickle and hot wax!!

Love reading your postings! From one Redneck to another - keep up the shananigans!

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

My husbands cure for all that ails me has to do with Mr Pickle. Even that unfortunate event the other day involving no lock on our bedroom door. Apparently I need to just get back in the saddle.

I have the dreaded lurgy here, my ears are all stuffed up but I am thinking of pretending I have gone deaf. School holidays ups the whining here.

Get better soon my lovely.

July 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Yeah, your version is MUCH better.

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

Luckily you didn't take one of your neighbors up on their offer before you realized this...

Or did you?

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDon Mills Diva

I agree. Your version is better.

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

Hey Tanis, aren't we are all well-adjusted? Bendy never hurts to have in your corner....heh. It make up for many of my ... er...unique qualities. Nothing says "lay off" like 'listen buddy, remember when i put my feet behind my head?'

happy 4th weekend from us yanks....hope your ear is on the mend.

~Robin

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

My husband somehow lost about half the hearing in one of his ears due to nerve damage. Let me tell you, it is not easy living with him now. He *always* mumbles now because he sounds loud in his ears. When he's not mumbling, he's yelling, and SWEARS he's not. Loud music hurts his ear, unless of course it's his music. Which is mostly Filipino or soft rock. Come on... Soft rock favorites? I can't live like this!

I on the other hand can't hear well with lots of back ground noise. We have 3 kids under 5. So most of our conversations go like this, "Huh?" "What'd you say?" "WHAT????"

I hope it gets better for you. =)

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

OH NO TANIS!! That sucks. I hope they are wrong and you get your hearing back. That would be terrible...And you'd probably look funny with a hearing aid...granny...

Sorry, had to poke a little fun at you. Hope your ear feels better soon.

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

Hey, maybe now you can one of those cool horns.

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSoMo

If it's any consolation, my eardrum got infected and burst the end of April. Reading your post just now, I realized my hearing is 100% restored (duh... not sure when that happened). It took a few weeks and was obviously very gradual! but it did come back. Don't let Boo put ANYTHING in that ear, though, as it can't protect itself without an intact eardrum. Good luck and enjoy missing out on all the sibling squabbles.

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKris

I had no idea that could even happen!? Forever? gone?

Can't they get you an aide or something.?

Also, I'm so amused at the term peckercillan! But I won't be sharing it w/ my husband.

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthat girl

Dang. Double dang.

And you lucky, lucky dog!!!

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkristi

roflmao! My hubster has also tried neosperm on cuts.....
sorry about your hearing thou that really sucks!

you have to go trademark peckercillin before some porn company steals the name. that is so classic.

July 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShamelessly Sassy

Oh hell. I really hope it isn't permanent.

July 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCharmingDriver

My hearing issues drive my darling husband nuts, as well. My favorite method of torture is to watch tv with the volume muted so I can read the subtitles. Watching him get irritated since he reads slower than I do is great fun. Girl's gotta have some fun while the specter of hearing aids looms. Plus, I can watch more 'adult' content since my 6 year old can't read that well, yet.

Hope your hearing loss is strictly temporary.

July 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Wheezer

With out being too forward. I will Tickle your A?s. This is suppose too be funny. That is how your web site is. And not in a goofy way. I am from Wisconsin. and I relate so much with you.
I am not redneck. But I want to live in real backwoods. and have someone like you there(Female that is funny,Tackful, and Beautiful!)
Your husband Has the greatest life.
Oh. I will bring a new chevy. Chevy/GM Rocks.

I love your web site and you.
I know about losing people very, very close to me. it sucks;If you need to know how to get pass that better than usual. Email me.

I have been thinking about moving too Alaska. What do you think?

Jennesses

July 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenness

Nerve damage? Seriously? Oh babe. Sending you a huge hug. Oh and I NEED another freaking update woman!

July 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Geez, nobody EVER offers to tickle MY ass with a feather...

And some days, I have to feign deafness to get through so-called quiet time. Could be a blessing.

July 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

I just found this blog today and I am in stitches. Actually, I am hearing impaired as are my 11 & and 12 year old daughters. You think I would have found this offensive or felt sorry for myself or something. I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. I tell ya what, people need to laugh more and what I wouldn't give to have some of you here to lighten the load a bit.

I am still laughing!

July 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoulou

Where the heck did Tanis go?

I'm feening for some Redneck Mommy. Not in a I'll tickle your ass kinda way though.

July 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

My dad wears 2 hearing aids and they really don't help, but on the upside, the movies and shows he watches are way funnier than we watch. I like his versions better!

July 9, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjustmylife

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