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Tuesday
Jul152008

The Post My MIL Will be Sorry She Read

**Warning: Graphic contents ahead. Read at your own risk. Heh. Welcome to my life.**

**Oh, and if you happen to be an adoption case worker or foster worker, or MY FATHER, please skip this post. Thanks.**

There was a time, long, long ago, when I believed in romance, true love and happily-ever-afters. Then I grew up, got married and squeezed out a three shrieking demons. My love affair with romance ended right about the time I had to keep elbowing my husband in the middle of the night to remind him it was his turn to rock the baby back to sleep.

He'd just pretend he was sleeping through the baby's shrilly cries while the walls rattled and the windows cracked and pretend to snore his way through my elbow jabs.

Somewhere in the middle of the marriage and life, romance fell to the back burner. Romance kinda faded to the background as we paid bills and struggled to stay afloat in the early years of marriage.

I mean, it's hard to remember the blazing passion we once shared when we were knee deep in squalling infants and mortgage payments.

I never gave much thought to married life before being married. At that point, I was ruled by lust and the need to constantly fornicate.

Oh, how times have changed.

Apparently, as my husband likes to point out, times have only changed for me. He still wants to fornicate as often as possible.

Perhaps it's because I'm still the sexy hottie I once was (minus the saggy tits and belly jiggle) or perhaps it's because he is poisoned by too damn much testosterone.

Whichever, he still wants to get it on. All the damned time. Even if I haven't shaved my legs or my um, nether regions and I resemble a small hairy yeti. Even if I haven't washed my face or combed my hair or had a shower in days. He still wants a little something something.

I admit, I don't understand it. We're getting older for chrissakes, our bodies aren't the temples to sex they once were. No matter how we try, we can't recapture the glory of the days we bumped uglies like rabid horny bunnies.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love him or find him attractive. But the sweet siren call of my soft pillow calls to me stronger than well, his passionate whispers of romance.

Hmm...eight hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep vs. hot and sweaty sex which invariably means exercise because a gal can't just lie there like a lump while her man goes at it like a dog on a guest's leg...sleep is gonna win hands down every time.

Boo doesn't see it this way and has made it his personal mission to rev up the romance in the boudoir. We can sleep when we're dead, he says. Use it before I lose it, he'll whisper as he bangs his Pickle against my leg.

Oh the romance. How can I resist?

In an effort to inspire me, Boo came home with a brown paper bag filled with goodies from the local sex shop. I should have known something was up when he wouldn't let the kids look inside the bag and shooed them outside while sporting a stupid look on his face.

I warily eyed the bag, knowing no good can come from that silly look he was mugging and asked him what was up.

"Me in a few minutes, once I show you what I got for us."

Oy. I mean, how can a gal resist such temptation?

With a furtive glance to make sure the kids were beating each other with sticks far away from the house, Boo dumped the contents of the bag into my lap and smiled like a little boy who had just picked a handful of posies for his mother.

(Because you know, sex toys are just as wholesome as fresh picked flowers.)

Not one, not two but three different vibrators, some edible underwear and a sex game.

He was thinking about all the naked fun we'd have together and I was thinking about all the energy I would have to expend that night while missing sleep.

Gotta love the romance of the long-time married.

"Well, what do you think?" he asked, beaming.

"I'm thinking I gotta take away your bank card and send a babysitter along with you every time you leave the house."


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As I eyed the treats in my lap, Boo waggled his brows suggestively and offered to take me into the bedroom for a test drive. Charming.

"Why on earth do we need THREE vibrators? How many holes are you planning to stick things into?" I asked very worriedly. "Do even understand how much batteries cost these days?" I whined.

"I'm just trying to spice things up a little for us."

"Are you insinuating that I'm not spicy enough for you?" I screeched.

Boo looked befuddled, like he hadn't anticipated that reaction. Probably because he was too busy envisioning me in edible undies with a bunch of vibrators buzzing in the back ground. Or gawd knows where else.

"No, not at all," he stammered. "I just thought the change of pace would be fun."

"I can't keep up with the pace you set now! And you want to change it????" Cue the screechy wife.

"Don't be such a priss. It'll be fun. I promise," he leered.

"Fun." Snort. "And just what am I supposed to do with these?" I ask, while poking at the strawberry flavored underwear.

"Um, wear them." Again, with that stupid look on his face.

"Great. Cuz sex isn't messy enough. Now I'm gonna have jam smeared all over my new sheets." How is it that guys don't think about these things? Must be because they never have to sleep in the damn wet spot.

Boo was getting insulted now, because I wasn't offering to put my ankles behind my ears immediately. Apparently, I wasn't seeing the romance he had intended.

Call me crazy, but if he wanted to be romantic, he could have brought home flowers and a maid along with pizza and beer.

"You have got to be out of yer ever lovin' mind if you think I'm gonna eat those nasty undies off of you. It's bad enough I have to pick hairs out of my teeth, but now you expect me to get strawberry seeds stuck in my molars? And um, ew. Man juice mixed with jam. Yummy."

Exasperated, Boo tossed the edible undies back into the bag and rolled his eyes. "Forget about the damn undies then, woman. Sheesh. Where's your sense of adventure?"

Um, anywhere warm and tropical where I have half nekkid men serving me unlimited mojitos. Anywhere where I didn't have to um, exert myself.

Picking up one of the fancy vibrators, I looked at him and sighed. "Boo this thing looks like it will hurt! I mean, I know you mean well, but I really have no inclination to be rubbed raw and impaled by this plastic penis."

"I knew I should have bought that ball gag in the window," Boo mumbled.

"Pardon ME?" I'll show you what that ball gag is for, you twit, I thought to myself as I eyed the vicious vibrator and contemplated shoving where the sun don't shine.

"You know what, Tanis?" he huffed. "You are no damn fun."

"Fun??? How about we stick that in your hole first and take it for a test drive? Let's see how much fun it is when your arse is bleeding?" I pointed out. (Very pleasantly, too, I might add. Heh.)


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Dear Boo. It's supposed to make me weep with PLEASURE. Not weep from having my insides torn aSSunder. Just so you know.


"Just forget about it," he snarked as he swept everything back into the paper bag. "I was just trying to liven things up in the bedroom."

Which to me, means things aren't lively. Which, in my woman's twisted brain, means I'm boring. To hell with that, I say. I'm bendy. I'm a damn Gumby! I all but do back flips for that man. How much livelier does a woman need to be?

"I may as well shove dynamite up my arse while hanging upside down from a trapeze while giving you head," I yelled while looking out the window to make sure the kids didn't overhear their parents arguing over sex.

"You didn't have any complaints about my bedroom bouncing the other night! Just so you know, there are a lot of men...and some woman...who wouldn't mind taking a turn with me under the sheets. You ought to count your blessings!" As I spoke I continued to get more and more shrilly.

"Dammit! I was just trying to be nice!" With that, Boo grabbed his bag of goodies and stormed off. I'm gonna guess this WASN'T how he envisioned how his evening would go.

"NICE would have been you bringing me home a box of fudgesicles!" I yelled after him.

Boo turned around, and said, "You're insane. Remind me why I married you?"

"Because insane girls are crazy. And crazy girls know how to f*ck like wild monkeys. Without jam drawers or rubber daggers shoved up their hoohaa's!""

"What ever. I'll just take this back to the store tomorrow." Boo sighed and I could see his shoulders droop just a fraction.

"Wait, wait. Bring that bag back here." Boo raised an eyebrow but brought the bag back to me.

Pulling out one of the less evil looking toys, I gave the bag back to him.

"There. Return those. I'll keep this," I murmured as I caressed my new love toy.

Boo stood there with his mouth open while trying to stifle a look of triumph.

"What??? I may be crazy but I'm not stupid." I smiled.

Anything to help him get in, get off and get out and get me back to sleep.

Heh.
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Reader Comments (97)

I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face. You summarized the relationship between men and women just perfectly. The siren call of my pillow gets me every time too. We've had a "grown-up" board game in the basement for about 6 years now. It remains untouched and I'm not sorry.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWalking With Scissors

You are freaking hilarious!!!
Just found you and LOVE you already !!!
Are you in my brain???? Cause you are saying the things I feel !!
Your great - I will be back everyday !!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

God I thought I had married the last of the real horndogs...but alas NO. I think Hubby might be related to Boo though....he thinks a trip to the adult store warrents instant earmuffs too.....lol.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

my husband too. every. single. day.
what the hell?
when is he going to stop thinking i'm hot? hahaha!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali

This is SO freaking funny! My husband would KILL me for posting something like this.

I kind of like trying to keep up with my hubby (and it ain't easy). Sometimes the need for sleep is overwhelming, that is true. Especially if I'm already sound asleep and he tries to wake me. Dang my body fights that! So we're still having hot, sweaty monkey sex and I'm really glad. I thought the two kids would kill it off but so far so good.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Woman, you SLAY me.

Random thoughts I had while reading this post:

*Brilliant idea for next time husband tries to pretend sleeping through baby cries - tug on his wanker - you KNOW he will admit wakeness if he thinks he's getting some. Then tell him to go get the fucking baby, asshole.

*As per romantic things a man can do to put his husband in the mood - NOT bringing home vibrating plastic bullshit, for one. Last time I had wild sex with John it was after he washed all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom for me. What can I say? Not having to do that crap MAKES ME HORNY.

*Just sent John out to get me a footlong sub. You talking about sex makes me hungry? Yet more for me to discuss with a therapist when I ever get one....

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastic Mom

thanks for helping me dodge the 'look of befuddlement' with your insight into the female psyche . . . and for forcing me to google search the word "yeti"

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercigarexec

Laughing out loud!!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersuzanne

Ok, the chandelier trying to pass itself off as a sex toy: not a good choice, Boo. You probably don't need THAT much help.

But maybe he is worried that YOU aren't finding HIM that interesting anymore. And that maybe you do still have a rampant sex drive but he just isn't getting to see any of it. So he brought along some props to see if that would help you forget that it was still just him in the bedroom with you. Long enough to get you out of your own head and out of your own way.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBackpacking Dad

I really don't get the vibrator thing. To me, it just represents competition for the man. KWIM?

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjanet

I have one of those that is pictured minus the anal part. It is fun. It really, really is. Feeling stressed? Just press the button. I think every woman should get a "butterfly" because then she can wear it all day and not have to worry about anything. Of course those around you will begin to wonder what is buzzing and why your eyes are glazed over and your lips are slightly parted and why you're making noises like the woman in the Herbal Essence commercials. :D

Spice - too much can burn your tongue.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterpreTzel

What I wouldn't do for a sex life right now. Stupid spotting.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Becky

My husband made me throw my toy away when we got married. He said I didn't need it anymore! I was like "Says who?" I told him we could play with it together, but no no no. Now I bet he wishes we still had it because his tongue gets mighty tired some days.

http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

You aren't bring that to SF are you?

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

Can I just print this out and place it under hubby's pillow tonight? I have nothing to add!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTracey_iPost

Amazing what they think is fun for us. I try to explain to mine that I prefer the real thing to rubber any day. It's a lot warmer and more personal. Hell, it just feels better!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandra

because a gal can’t just lie there like a lump while her man goes at it like a dog on a guest’s leg…

Yeah you can, thats my story and I am sticking to it.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSleepyNita

OMFG!!!! I heard about this in the Edmonton Journal and had to check it out. You are hilarious GIRLFRIEND!!! But I'd heard a long time ago that men need sex to feel intimacy and women need intimacy to feel sexy. Now, I totally agree that I need a housekeeper to feel intimacy because nothing makes me horny like picking up after ME, HIM and our two dogs. I don't even comprehend how people with children get it on, ever, ever again after having one, never mind three.

Kudos to the person who said she felt sexy after her man did some housework. Amen.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShaniqua

Well, there's always offering 'lay there sex'. Some days, when I'm not up for anything beyond parting the legs, I offerd hubby that. He can wait until I'm more energetic or he can do his thing. He knows what he's getting-- if he doesn't like it, the he can wait for another time. =)(Though, sometimes I make it hard on him for not being detered-- I deadpan sex talk. Heh. =)

My two cents.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterClair Dickson

Doesn't "torn asunder" have two S'es?

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLori

my god!!!!!!! one of the best posts I have seen in a long time!!!!!!!

I love it. We have a "travel bag and have been diping into it recently. We love to spice things up sometimes cuz it is easy to get caught up in the daily grind with the kids and all.

We kinda like the Rabit and a vibrating ring for me. Oh boy.....now I can't wait.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTentCamper

Listen, Use them and love them! Shit, I take my vibrator out to dinner he treats me so well, and Having an orgasm gives you energy! or better yet, contact me and ship them directly to my house.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterInsane Mama

ps, tentcamper is my man, the post above mine...

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterInsane Mama

Oh my god thank you for the good laugh tonite T, I needed it!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGabriella

Love this post. I laughed so hard at the "pickle on my leg" comment. Ever had him thump you in the forehead to wake you up to say he's "ready?" Talk about foreplay! Hilarious!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMandy (AKA Bobby)

I'm surprised men come home with vibrators. Now we don't need them. DUH!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Schmitty

LMAO!! Holly cow~that was great! What is it with men? I swear they get this look and I am like sh*t I'm dog tired and just want to lay down, no not that! And just go to SLEEEP!!!!!! Mine has never brought anything home though!

ROTFL!!!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkdwhorses

*snort* ... "Must be because they never have to sleep in the damn wet spot."
I make him sleep in the wetspot damn it! Ha, great post!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDirtyLaundryDiva

They seldom understand the best use of said "toys" either... mine wants to ram the damn thing in there... I tell ya, hurting my cervix makes me cry tears not joy!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPolka Dot Mommy

"Anything to help him get in, get off and get out and get me back to sleep."

amen, sister, amen.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBananas

Why don't men understand choreplay? Fudgsicles and the dishes washed - that's all I need to get going...

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

OMG you are me! I'm scared. This has been my life for the past year or so. Did he bring home a 2 headed thing like mine did? I have way to many toys and we seldom use them. I just found your blog and I love it!

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShan In OH

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL...
I think I just peed my pants!

LOLOL

peace
#2

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersista #2

Truer words have never been spoken... er, typed. Any way you slice it, this was hilarious. Sadly, sometimes Fudgesicles are better than sex... although if my hubby brought those home for me, I'd be too paranoid to actually enjoy one in front of him, for fear of unintentionally turning him on. This was hilarious, though! This is something I can totally relate to but would never have the balls to blog about! *high five*

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenternik

Hmmm.

I'm wishing I was an adoption case worker or foster worker.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew

Call me crazy, but if he wanted to be romantic, he could have brought home flowers and a maid along with pizza and beer.

Amen.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMom2trplts

Oh My God! "bang his pickle against my leg" got me going, and I had a hard time stopping! GREAT post.

July 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHalf-Past Kissin' Time

Those damned edible panties are sort of like fruit roll up. My husband came home with a pair for me once, and I attempted to put them on. But I told him next time just to buy a goddamn box of fruit roll-ups and I would make my own. Maybe I'll come up with a whole line of fruit roll up lingerie, you never know.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShamelessly Sassy

Slap my pic on that thing and take it to Blogher with you. But for the love of God wash the damn thing first...

Oh and *I* sent MPS out to buy that shit.... *snigger*

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Aw don't dis the rabbit!

But edible undies? Really? I always think "yeast infection" with those things.

Hilarious T. I'm going to look at you in a whole new light this week.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMom101

My husband basically wants it ALL. THE. TIME.

I could smell like an Italian Hoagie and not have showered for three days and he's still begging for it. Even if we did it the day before. Sigh.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

I thought sex toys were great until my in-laws came to stay for the weekend and my nosy MIL took a peek in my goody drawer.
I had flashbacks when I seen a picture of the Rabbit and I had to call my shrink. You owe me $90.
Heh.
This is one post I WON'T let my hubby read... he's on vacation for the rest of the week.
I don't wanna give him any ideas.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMommy Who?

I know where you are coming from. Sleep is so much more appealing than sex most of the time now. However, I couldn't help but feel bad for your hubby. He really did make an effort, even if it was a weird attempt.

Poor Guy- He's lost his tractor mower AND his wife didn't like her new toys, all in a matter of days.

I was laughing all the way though this post! I'm not sure I'd be using that thing, with all those things...um, yeah, that looks like it would hurt!

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlisha

Oh I am with you. From beginning to end, I am with you.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Britt

I love the "...if he wanted to be romantic, he could have brought home flowers and a maid along with pizza and beer." I've told my hubby numerous times that he should just go ahead and get one of those topless maids if she'll actually clean my damn house. Its a win-win, right?

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterColleen

HAHA I totally laughed my ass off. Especially "Must be because they never have to sleep in the damn wet spot." That is so true. And my hubs bought me the "best seller" according to the clerk at the sex shop. It kinda scared me but now I see why it's a best seller. LOL And it does spice things up. I'm always willing to try something new. Well not EVERYTHING. LOL

I LOVE this post. My God you're brave woman. And honest. And, oh ya, HULARIOUS!

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDon Mills Diva

Great Tanis!

You have a story in the local paper, so MILLIONS of crazed Canucks will be checking out your blog, the school teachers, the principal, the mayor, the guy that cleans the septic system. And then you have as your NEXT blog this.

LOL

Be prepared for a summer of Woodstock, 40 years after, deja vu, all over again. Except instead of the town of Woodstock, the event will be on your street, your backyard LOL.

Even the sex store guy will smile when he sees your hubby bringing back three of the 4 items purchased, and he will know.

LOL

This blog, like great sex, is all about timing.

You get the Timex Award for this year hands down.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

I've been reading for a while and I have to say that I think you are pretty damn selfish...and I'm a woman too. I almost lost if over the truck incident when you were so ungrateful that he bought you a completely superfluous truck...and you whined because it wasn't new and shiny.
Your husband works so you can sit at home and bitch-blog about your life and how hard it is to be married to a man who still desires you and wants to support you and the children. Loves you enough to quit his job to take another one so he can actually spend time with you and your offspring. Jeez. What a great tragedy. You might actually have to get your ass off the couch, put down the vino, and fix dinner now. He is trying so hard to please you and maybe he needs a little reassurance that you still need/want him.
You do realize, don't you, that his stability and maturity are probably the only attributes that keeps the adoption agency from shutting their case file permanently.
Yes, you can be funny and you do write some of the most heartbreaking posts I've ever read...but this ragging on your husband. Not so cool.
Grow up already.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTough Love

Now, I read all the womens post on this blog. From a mans point of view, and certainly not in defense of Hubby, aka Mr Pickle, it needs to be pointed out that he at least tried.

God only knows what fun it woukld be Tanis to go to said sex emporium and ask to see the security video they have inside the store and see what he was doing there while he was making said purcahse. Not that would make the local CNN station blush yet a second time with your family name.

But at least he tried. Misguided like a mans eager thrusts that wind up hitting your armpit when he misses said "love chute", well, maybe he needs a better bomb sight.

He is fresh off the wilds of the cold white tundra, probably was thinking as he was quitting his job for nonstop sex and well, he has some extra love/lust juice to get rid off. No, not THAT, the stuff that makes Mr Pickle get all up and hot, testosterone stuff.

Come on, you should be glad he tried. Yeah, he will learn that while he may have the raging hormones of a sailor been out at sea too long, lower your gangplank a time or two, then tie him squarley to port with a tight line.

teach him about two margaritas and some dove chocolate will get him to all the bases far faster than "BOB" (battery operated boyfriend) anyday.

July 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlarrylily

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