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Thursday
Jun262008

Chalk This One up For the Record Book

***Warning: This could happen to you. Just ask my neighbour.***

There are few things that annoy me worse than having a bad hair day. Chalk it up to vanity, low self-esteem or self-delusions, but I like to leave the house with a flowing mane that rivals Jessica Simpson's lustrous locks.

Of course, it would help if I didn't have fly-away limp blonde hair in desperate need of a cut and colour, and even on it's best days never ever resembles Ms. Chicken of the Sea, but I like to fool myself into believing I could give her a run for her money.

If I had a gay hairdresser as my own personal servant friend and a million dollars to spend on hair extensions.

I don't, so I just live in my happy world where unicorns run free and money grows out back on the pear tree.

Good hair equals great self-esteem and the ability to avoid scarfing down a triple scoop chocolate fudge sunday with whipped cream in order to drown out my self-pitying tendencies. The size of my ass and the state of my mental health all depend on me stepping out of the house and not resembling Nick Nolte's mug shot.


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My hair looks like that as I type this. Cute, eh?


I used to depend on how good I stuffed my bra to make my rack look great but since I've indulged in one too many sundaes my rack has significantly expanded improved and I find myself depending on my hair to avoid focusing on the wobbling of my ass as I walk.

(I've had to make the switch to granny panties and boy shorts because I got tired of the chaffing and rug burn that accompanied thongs and my jiggling butt cheeks.)

I digress. Steering the ship back to bad hair and away from my ass-crack.

So the other day, I was standing in front of the mirror and fighting with my misbehaving locks. There didn't seem to be anything I could do, short of shaving it and pretending I was Britney Spears minus the million dollars, to make my hair cooperate.

I was running late and had to be at the kid's school to attend their awards ceremony. I hate being late more than I hate having bad hair, so I gave up on trying to imitate any B-list Hollywood starlet and just yanked my hair back into a pony tail.

Grabbing my car keys, I loped out to the car and noted that I still had time to swing by the local coffee shop to grab a Chai tea latte before I was held captive in the school's gymnasium, politely clapping for student's I didn't know and all of their accomplishments I didn't care about.

My car wouldn't start. Damn. I've been having problems with the battery and apparently, the battery decided to throw a hissy fit just when I needed my latte pick-me up the most.

Cursing my bad luck, I walked over to my husband's shed and pulled out his battery charger and hauled the lunky thing towards my car. After banging my shins on the damn thing and getting my pretty blue skirt dirty, I popped the hood and hooked the thing up to my battery.

(Aren't I a handy gal?)

I jumped back into the car and turned the key. Nothing. So I waited and tried again. Nothing. Nada. Damn. I jumped back out, cursing the world as I went, to check the connections. Maybe I did it wrong. Maybe I forgot to plug the thing in. Nope. Everything was where it was supposed to be.

So I got back into the car and tried the key again. Nothing. Frustrated and wanting to pull out my badly combed hair, I got back out of the car and kicked the battery charger. Cuz that always helps. It was then I realized I had forgot to plug in the battery charger. Oops.

Way to be a blonde, Tanis. So then I had to march back to the hubby's shop, locate an extension cord long enough to reach from my house to the driveway, plug it in, walk back to my car, plug in the charger and rinse and repeat.

All the while the clock kept on ticking.

This time, when I turned the key the car came to life. Hallelujah. Rejoicing with a few favorite cuss words, I jumped back out of the car, leaving the car running, and unhooked the battery charger. I didn't think twice when I shut the car door. I was just happy to get the damn thing started.

I was sweating by now and feeling more dirty than before I hopped into the shower, but by this time, I didn't give a flying rat's nest. If I pushed the speed limit, skipped the latte, I would still be punctual for the awards ceremony.

Sighing, I went to yank open the car door. It was locked. With my keys happily located in the ignition.

"ARE YOU FACKING KIDDING ME?" I yelled. I felt like banging my head against a tree. Great. Now what? I looked at my watch and noted the time and decided against phoning the local AMA driver. Mainly because he's my brother-in-law and I didn't want to listen to his ridicule but also because he was supposed to be at the same awards ceremony as I was. No sense on making him miss it because of my stupidity.

I ran back to the house to grab a coat hanger to break into my car. I've done it before, dammit, I can do it again, I thought to myself. (See how I'm delusional?)

Jabbing the wire down the window (and scratching my paint in the process) I realized I didn't have a clue as to what I was supposed to be doing. Frustrated, I yanked the hanger out and sat down in the dirt to cry.

I'm pathetic, I know. But sometimes life is made better with a good weep. As I sat there feeling sorry for myself and eyeballing my dirty tires, I remembered my husband had stuck one of those hide-a-key boxes under my car's frame.

The clouds parted and the sun came shining out and I got up and dusted myself off and proceeded to the front of the car. If I hurried I would only miss a few minutes of the ceremony and could sneak in to a seat at the back of the gym unnoticed.

Or so I hoped.

Planting my ass down in the dirt, and not caring if my skirt got dirty or not (vanity be damned at this point) I started feeling up my car, trying to find the magic metal box. Nothing.

So I bent lower and stuck my head under the car to see what I was doing. Just as I spied the box, I felt something. Something crawling up my legs and into my ass crack.

Then something bit me. In a delicate location if you know what I mean.

I grabbed the key box and smacked my head against the underside of the car in my haste to find out what the hell was wrong with my ass, which suddenly felt like it was on fire.

Standing up, I was horrified to find I had sat smack down on top of a facking ant hill. Red angry ants. So I did what any person would do. I screamed like a school girl and started smacking at all the ants that were crawling up my leg and in my shoes.

Realizing I had ants in my underwear, I lifted my skirt up as I stood in the middle of the driveway and ran around doing some funky chicken like dance while flicking ants off my ass.

Ever have a fire ant bite you on the petunias? Not fun people. Not fun.

So there I was, with my skirt up over my head, my underwear around my knees, hopping up and down trying to shake the little buggers off me, totally and completely skeeved out, when my neighbour drove past and stopped to wave.

Yep. What a show I gave that man. I have no idea how long he witnessed me in my half nekkid glory before he honked, and rolled down his window to ask if there was a problem.

Mortified, I dropped my skirt, hoping to cover the underwear around my knees and smiled and waved. "Nope, no problem!" I cheerily yelled as my face burst into flames. "Have a great day!" I called, hoping he'd move on and forget the image of me waving my ass cheeks at him like a freaking lunatic.

He smiled and nodded and just as he pulled out he grinned at me and called, "I always did love the site of a full moon," and then drove off laughing.

Great. This was just icing on the freaking cake, I thought as I unlocked my car door, straightened my skirt and headed into town.


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I'll admit it, I got my arse kicked by life.


So I was late, had bad hair, ant bites on my ass, was wearing a filthy skirt and stuck searching for my dignity.

The day could only get better, I thought grimly.

Then I got to the school and another mom pulled me aside (thankfully before entering the packed gymnasium) and told me my skirt was tucked in the back of my underwear.

There isn't enough ice cream in the world to make the memory of this day go away. For me or for my neighbour who now drives slowly past my house in hopes of seeing a repeat performance of my very own moon dance.

The next time I have a bad hair day, I'm crawling back in bed and pulling the covers over my head. At least then I'm guaranteed not to have life bite me on the ass. For all the world to see.

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Reader Comments (78)

roflmao...
I am peeing my pants here.
those freaking ants hurt like a motha.....

Sucks to be you sometimes LOLOL

Peace
#2

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergaining some lb's

what a day!! I am afraid that I have no sensible response except to say that I am sitting here giggling away!! (quietly of course as I am at work!)

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSam

LOL I'm laughing so hard at the image I have of you dancing around the yard in my head!

Boy, do I love this blog!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBill

You almost bought me a new laptop. I was just taking a swig of some orange-tasting Vitamin Water when I read "and told me my skirt was tucked into the back of my underwear."

It is impossible that this really happened. You boonie-chicks seem to have nothing better to do than eat bon-bons and make up stories about how awesome life really is out in the sticks.

:}

Sorry about your nethers.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBackpacking Dad

oh. my. sorry but i now feel much better about my own day... just sayin'.

smiles, bee

YOU are one of the Funniest!
fyi wobbling asses aren't that bad from my POV

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWPDunn

damn Britney, you are Toxic! . . . and here I didn't think fireants were good for anything!

wish you much luck, and decorum, once those bites start itchin'

great post!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercigarexec

I spit out my water on no less than three occasions while reading this. (You would have thought i'd have learned the first time to stop drinking the water...) This has got to be the funniest thing I have heard this month.

Just found your blog recently and am so far loving it. I'm sorry you had to go through this much humiliation but it was well worth the laughing fit you just caused :)

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Those ants must have thought: " Attack the Redneck Mommy!"

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMonika

And I thought I was having a crappy day. Sorry about the ants biting your ass, but thanks for the laughs!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDenice

LMAO,, this is absolutely hilarious. I thougt I had a bad day.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlicia

So sorry you had a crappy day....I on the other hand ......you turned my crappy day into the best...I cannot remember when I laughed so hard I cried and peeeeeed at the same time.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMaria Testa

Oh. my. GAWD. I know I should be laughing here, but frankly, I'm horrified for you! If I could, I would give you a giant hug right now.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBri

This proves that the best stories are way too funny to be made up. You poor thing! I hope your petunias are feeling better...

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWalking With Scissors

I would have freaked out the way you did and probably have done ya one better and stripped down completely to make sure all the ants were gone. I have a thing about creepy crawlies, I hate them!

Hope you're feeling better.

Simply,
Loula

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoula

awesome!

oh, oops, i mean, how awful for you :)

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali

I haven't laughed this hard in a year! And then I let my husband read it. And I laughed my ass off all over again. Cuz he peed himself, he was laughing so hard.

But I do feel terribly sorry for your "petunias!"

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterblossomteacher

Oh, I am so sorry! But I am laughing so hard...

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTina

laughing way too hard for being on the public service desk... good thing there are some noisy people in here so I'm not the most noticeable!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

LMAO!! I had a situation similar to this only I was at a boat ramp full of guys and a bee flew up my skirt. Luckily I didn't get stung but the guys loved me running around in my skivvies trying to get that bee off me. What is it about rural locales that bring out the bugs??? I hope you were wearing clean underwear. As my mommy puts it, you never know when someone's gonna see 'em.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

wow. I didn't know red ants lived in Alberta. Had 'em in FLorida. Hated 'em.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGette

ouch ouch ouch! I have been bit on the leg by those suckers... it hurts! I can only imagine the scene, and admit I laughed at the picture. =)

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina

I had no idea those suckers went that far north! I've been bitten on the leg before, but, um, well, you poor thing. That's gotta hurt/itch like hell! I do admit, I did laugh like hell though!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterellieranc

I had a "standing in an anthill" story of my own yesterday, but girl, no one tells 'em quite like you do...

Plus, the ants didn't quite make it to my hoohaa...

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelody

Oh my god - I'm crying in my office I'm laughing so hard! I'm so sorry but oh dear how funny this is.

Oh boy. This is the funniest thing I have read in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time!!

But I feel kind of guilty because it did sound really frustrating. And it did make you cry. So I'm hoping you're now looking back and seeing the funny side. You are, aren't you?!

Hugs to you my dear naked-dancing T
XO jelly

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjellyhead

First time commenting, but this one made me cry it was so funny!

That is one of the biggest things that I do not miss from my childhood in Ardmore. When I was six I stood on a red ant hill and it took my mother almost an hour to get them off of me. I still freak out when an ant touches me more than twenty years later...

At least you gave the neighbor a thrill!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGirlymonster

OMG I feel so much better about my week now. So sorry for you, but thanks for the lift.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTonya

Wow. Just wow.

I'm so sorry for THAT day. How long did you go on before you thought, "Hhhheeey! This will be a great blog entry!"

And those ant bites HURT. I'm sorry for your ass-pain.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

Maybe Boo will come home with some lotion for your backside.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterabove average joe

Haa! I started reading this entry thinking, "Oh that is SO me!" because I, too, hate bad hair days and being late. As the events unfolded, I must say that I am EXTREMELY thankful that that is where the similarities ended.

Thank you for the impending ant-related nightmares!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKalin

oh honey. I somehow think you looked piss elegant nonetheless.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

Wow. I can't even come up with a bright side for this one.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMac and Cheese

Bwaaaaaa haaaaahaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Laughing with you babe. You believe me right?

I judge what kind of day I am going to have by the fabulousness of my hair too. Cause it is all about the hair. And the shoes...

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

LMAO!! We used to have a eldery neighbor who would forget his pants and go out and water his yard in his tighty whiteys!

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

Oh my god. Wow. Ouch.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGabriella

The ants will be giving me nightmares.

I would like to see a video of you walking now though. It's probably better than a wedgie walk.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercanape

Girl, I am tippin a bourbon in your honor. I can soooooo relate to that type of day.

June 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

He he he "full moon". Neighbor man is quite the comedian.

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJacquie

Too funny.

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

Wow, what a sucky morning! But you did get a hilarious blog post out of it, and really, that's the important thing. ;^) (Hope your petunias are feeling better!)

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

I'm glad to know I'm not the only Redneck rerun of "I Love Lucy" out there.

Cheers.

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMommy Who?

That DID not happen. You had to make it up. And, if not. I am SO SORRY. But that was hilarious.

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Who

OMG.....I now feel so much better about my in-law laden day....lol. They may bite but at least not there.... Look at the bright side ....at least you were not dancing with the water hose trying to rinse them off when neighbor guy drove by......he may not have left. Hope your day got so much better, though I think even a little would have helped.

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

OMG, I can't stop laughing...........

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMaeve

THat is the MOTHER of all bad days..

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthat girl

OH wow. That's a heck of a bad day! Hope tomorrow's better.

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCourtneyRyan

At least you weren't wearing a shirt like Nolte's...or were you?!?

oh i cannot wait to read this with my husband! you had me laughing so hard I was crying and had to stop and collect myself so I could find out what happened next. Just one question-when are you putting out a book? This is too good not to be a book!

June 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali

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