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Thursday
May292008

Boxers or Briefs, Bozo

I once (foolishly) believed that as my children got older, parenting would become easier.

I once also believed I would grow up looking like I belonged on the cover of a Victoria Secret's catalogue and thought butterflies were a glorified public transportation system for fairies.

It's no surprise (to anyone but me) that I have been known to be wrong every now and then.

Somehow in my head, I figured that once the kids were potty trained, could speak, and learned to read and write, my life as a mom would be a figurative cake walk. I assumed my demon offspring would always eat their vegetables, brush their teeth and do their homework with little prompting from me.

Because they are older. That's what big kids do, right?

BWHAHAHAAHAHA! Foolish girl.

Somehow, I forgot to figure into the equation something about the apple not falling far from the tree and realizing these are my children I was dreaming about.

I can hear my mother's maniacal cackles in my head as the curse of "I hope one day you have children exactly like YOU!" springs to fruition.

Damn.

Turns out parenting isn't really harder, it's just different. Instead of worry about potty training, I worry whether they've flushed the toilet, changed their underwear and remembered their toothbrushes aren't just colorful plastic decorations in the the bathroom for them to gaze upon.

I still have to force feed them brussel sprouts, bribe them with candy and politely request beg them to pick up their toys.

Nope, parenting hasn't gotten any easier.

I don't know why I had hoped that as they grow they would start worshipping the ground I walk on and revere my every spoken word. Chalk it up to delusional fantasies and the moonshine I brew out in the back shed.

Still, there are times when I wish they would take me seriously and listen to the wisdom I am trying to cram down their throats impart. Sometimes I really do know best.

Like when I tell my daughter that no matter how hard she tries, her baby fine hair will never look like Jessica Simpson's and if she spends any more time trying to fix it to look like the Chicken of the Sea Queen, she will miss the bus.

Guess what? She missed the bus. And she still sported a head full of stringy fly-away hair.

My darling lovelies don't listen to a damn word I say. My husband blames this charming characteristic on my habit of sarcasm and wit. He says I screw with them so often they never know what to believe.

He could be right.

Still, what fun would a mom have if she can't make sport with her minions? Heh.

This past week, the tables turned on my husband and for once, my children (or specifically my son) completely disregarded his expertise and advice.

I am still trying to contain my glee.

While sorting through the mountain of laundry whilst cheerily whistling and singing a peppy tune cussing like a sailor in heat, I noticed my lovely son had only deposited one pair of undies in more than ten days worth of dirty laundry.

Checking and rechecking the piles, I tried to block out the mental image of the fungus growing around my son's man bits and wondering how the hell to approach such a sensitive topic such as bottom drawer hygiene with a pubescent boy who refuses to even tell me if he needs toothpaste.

Fack it, I thought. I'm not paid enough to deal with this bomb. I chickened out and called my husband Boo. Let him deal with it. It's the least he can do since I take care of everything else.

Boo was as sensitive and tactful as I had hoped he would be, once I handed the phone over to my son to speak with his father. I could hear the bellowing echo through the phone lines half way across the house.

Good job Boo. Scare the poor kid into changing his shorts. Just so he can crap into them from fear. Thanks for the help. Arsehole.

Wandering back into the kitchen, I overheard my son's pitiful excuse for his lazy hygienic ways. Apparently, he's not wearing the right type of underwear. All the cool kids wear boxers and my poor son has been consigned to loserdom by wearing tighty-whiteys.


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Tighty-whiteys with cartoon characters on them, no less. Oh, for shame. It seems my son has been towel-whipped and teased in the locker room a time or two for his Spidey shorts and now has taken it upon himself to just go commando.

Ugh.

My son wants to wear boxers like all the other boys. But instead of telling me this he has just been making skid marks in his pants. Man I love being a mom.

Handing the phone over to me with a puppy dog look on his face, Frac went to go pull on some gonch while I was left to talk with his father about the pleasantries of raising children. At this point, raising monkeys has to be easier, I teased Boo.

"I'll just buy him some boxers and be done with it," I cheerfully (and stupidly) told my man.

Wrong thing to say to the man who loves his shiny gold bikini briefs. (How's that for a mental image of my man?)

"NO. Boxer's ride up when you play sports. He'll get a wedgie and pinch his nuts. Boxer's aren't practical at his age. I explained this to him and he'll just have to deal with it." Boo was adamant.


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Not sporting a wiener myself, I didn't really see the big deal. "How 'bout a compromise? After all, I bought Fric a bunch of bra's that she doesn't need because of self-esteem issues. I'll just buy the boy a few pair of boxers and tell him to wear them on days he doesn't have gym or soccer."

"Doesn't matter. He plays at recess and at home. His package will get bit. Best stick with the briefs if you want grandbabies," Boo commanded.

Since I'm always one to listen to my husband, I did what any good mother and wife would do. I went out and bought a couple pairs of new undies for my boy with the explicit instructions not to wear them if he is going to play sports.

You would have thought I hung the moon. It was official. I was the world's greatest mom and definitely Frac's favorite parent.

(Neener, neener Boo!)

And with that, ended the great underwear debate. Or so I thought.

Until my son played his usual Tuesday game of soccer.

I couldn't help but notice he wasn't really running that hard or that fast and he was kinda standing around. He was a decidedly poor mid-fielder, making very little contribution to his struggling team.

No matter how loud I kept yelling for him to "MOVE IT!" "DEFENSE!" "GO TO THE OUTSIDE!" "COVER YOUR MAN!" my son kinda just waddled around the field.

Getting more frustrated I yelled a bit louder. And with more frequency. Because ten year old boys totally dig when their momma's do that.

Frac, getting tired of trying to tune me out while not really move about on the field, finally had enough and stopped to face me and yell, "STOP PESTERING ME MOM!"

I, of course, am the picture of maturity and retorted, "I WOULD IF YOU WOULD STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAD A PIANO TIED TO YOUR ARSE!"

Just then I noticed what he was doing.

He was digging his underwear out of his ass crack where it kept riding up when ever he ran.

Just like his dad said it would.

Heh.


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For the rest of the game, Frac spent more time digging buried treasure out of his nether regions than he did chasing the ball. He's such a great soccer player.

Riding back home that night, I looked at Frac in the rear view mirror and asked him if perhaps his dad was right about boxer shorts.

"Maybe," he mumbled while trying to pretend I was invisible.

"Well, I guess you learned something tonight, right?" I said, thinking this was the opportune time to drive home the fact that sometimes parents really do know what they are yapping about.

"Ya, I guess," he grumbled.

Feeling like pushing my luck the point home, I asked, "And what is it you learned?"

"Next time, I'm calling Justin and riding with him. His mom isn't near as loud or annoying as you are out on the field."

Well, at least something was learned that night.

Sigh.




« The Art of Wooing | Main | Vaseline (and Unicorns) »

Reader Comments (57)

Oh crap my boys wear boxers to soccer and baseball. You mean to tell me my kid could MAYBE catch the ball if he would go back to briefs? What about the soft t-shirt boxers? Maybe boxer briefs? Ugh. And as good as my other son is at soccer I can see him bending it like Beckham if he changed his shorts. See, this is what happens when you marry a guy who never played sports.

On the other hand, you get the Mom of the Year Award for actually noticing how many pairs of underwear were in the laundry to begin with. You're damn good.

(Runs off to get a boxer count.)

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

I had the same issue with my sons. Boxer briefs solved the problem...much cooler than tightie whities, and they don't ride up.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkare

I learned something new today! I had NO CLUE that would happen when wearing boxers...guess it's a good thing my boys haven't asked for boxers!

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnnabelle

I switched over to boxer briefs many many years ago. Boxers move around too much, just as Boo says, but that doesn't mean you are stuck with tighty-whiteys.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBackpacking Dad

I'll chime in and agree with the majority: boxer briefs are the way to go.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSciFi Dad

If he plays baseball he can wear the compression shorts with the cup in them--solves the whole problem.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

funny... i just posted about parenting adult children. no, it doesn't get easier, even when they're freaking 24-YEARS-OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe he'll grow up.

or not.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthe planet of janet

Like the others have said - Boxer Briefs are the way to go!

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

I'm glad I have a girl!

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermetro mama

By him BOXER BRIEFS.

Genius...looks like boxers, but tight up against the bod like briefs.

Perfect for sports. My 14-year-old and husband both wear 'em.

And, yes! I do the buying of them. :)

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBad Hippie

yep - so glad I have a girl!!
Apparently, the boxer briefs sound like the way to go! Give that a whirl. (okay that sounded just --- WRONG!) LOL!

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkat

So THIS is what I have to look forward to?

I'm in big trouble.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDon Mills Diva

Awh the whole "boxers or briefs" debate. Just didn't think it would come so soon. Oh and love the gold bikini briefs.... hahahaha.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs Kitty

I have to tell you that my next tattoo will be a fairy riding a butterfly, I've had it planned for about 5 years now! How weird was it when I read that in your blog?

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLori

First of all...tighty-whiteys cause low sperm count, not boxers. And second of all...that post was hilarious!

You should buy him the boxer briefs...not as bunch as the boxers, yet not tighty-whiteys either. My soon to be 10 year old likes them better.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Schmitty

HOw old is Frac? Because my 6.5 year old has been 'diggin' the gold' lately, and hissing at me 'Mo-om! Stop ASKING me about this!'

Somehow I thought I had a few years before this happened. Do they MAKE those boxer-briefs in size tiny?

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdaysgoby

Oh goodness such truth you speak of in raising children. They really don't think we know anything...if they do, they surely would never want us to know that! You are so right that parenting does not get easier as they get older...it's different... and harder in some aspects. Anyways, thank you very much for the good laugh...I very much needed it today!

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLori

Yep, boxer briefs all the way. They come in every size - the boys in our family all went right from diapers to boxer briefs. And thanks for saying gonch.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlorahoney

Both of my boys wear boxers, only one played sports. he never had a problem with them riding up, he had more problem with the cup! Never admit that Boo was right, he will get the big head and you won't be able to live with him!

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjustmylife

Jesus. I am so not ready for this boy stuff.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

My hubby likes boxers because they don't show off his "junk" but needs the security of briefs. His solution? He wears both at the same time...yep, that's right, double the laundry for me. I guess getting pantsed one too many times will kill of the allure of boxer-briefs for the painfully shy like my hubby. Why can't boys be like us ladies, and avoid public nakedness at all costs?

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

"“Doesn’t matter. He plays at recess and at home. His package will get bit. Best stick with the briefs if you want grandbabies,� Boo commanded."

This is just hilarious to me, since after three years of secondary infertility, my husband's doctor now tells him every time he sees him, "You wear boxers? NO TIGHT UNDERWEAR! NO WHITIES! You HAVE to wear boxers! You ever want another baby, you only wear boxers!! Do you understand?!" Every. Single. Time.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Boxer briefs. Both of my boys wear them, no cartoons for the oldest who is 12 but the 5 year old digs his spongebob boxer briefs.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

I'm glad I dont have to deal with that on the soccer field yet.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterabove average joe

I don't remember my son and his boxer shorts however, my five year old grandson...doesn't want to wear any underwear....

What can we expect next....this was so funny...and I know from Noah underwear really can be an important issue...good luck with your son.

Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
www.grammology.com

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDorothy Stahlnecker

I HATE digging my thong out after a good biking session.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

Thanks for the warning!!! Boxer Briefs. That's what the Redneck wears. LOL.
And NO CARTOON CHARACTERS! Check.

Of course I would have driven the point home.....with a sharp stick.

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

Hmmmm so that's why all the boys on my DD's soccer team are always pulling on the nether regions!?!?!

May 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJacquie

Ain't it great to be proven RIGHT? I love it when that happens.

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjellyhead

It's either boxer briefs or commando for me.

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

Oh, you're scaring me.. Mine are still under 5 and am still of the "it will get easier" mindset. The gym/boxer/brief thing tugged at my heart though - 2 boys and lots of those issues to look forward to I guess.

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterthat girl

Love your writing, as always. I usually don't comment but am delurking to thank you for using the word gonch. I am a prairie girl (Northern Saskatchewan woooooooo!) now living very very from home. You can take the girl off the prairies but you cannot take the prairies off the girl, and your use of the word gonch made my day.

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkelly

I can't tell you how many times my mom has told me she hopes I have kids just like me. Well I've got a hyped up 4 year old son now and SHE even says he's worse than I was. What are the odds? LOL And thanks for the undie info. My son totally loves his scooby doo undies now. Now I'll know what to look forward to. HAHA

Who knew boxers hampered running? I hope I never have to deal with boxer vs briefs and little boys penis and ball issues.

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergorillabuns

OMG. I have to start potty training next year, with twin boys! I so do NOT want to deal with this one. Thanks for all the commenters who said boxer briefs though. At least I have an idea of what to get them. Oh yuck. Now I have that skid mark image in my head. I really hope he wipes better than that. LOL! That's what happens when they grow up I guess...

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

That's why boxer wearers wear those Under Armor undies when playing sports :)
Just sign me, "Mom of a teenaged sports nut."

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterM

Long time reader delurking for the undies issue...

I have 3 boys (7-8-13), all of whom play various sports year round AND are required to change for gym class starting in 2nd grade when their undies are seen my many. I'm surprised this issue didn't come up for you sooner! Cartoon undies were a no-no after 1st grade around here and they went straight into the boxer briefs. They work just fine with sports that require a cup, btw. Just teach him how to straighten out the back after he pulls the cup over them so they aren't bunched up.

I bought them for my husband more than 10 years ago and after hearing him bitch and moan about the idea of ditching his long-loved tightie whities, he's a total convert. You must buy some for Boo to prove your point. Then you'll REALLY be able to gloat because he'll surely love them.

About the boy hygiene thing? I had a similar incident with my son when he was 12. I realized for every 7 pairs of socks that I was washing for everyone else, there were only like 2 pairs of his. Ewww. I had to pull out the big guns and embarrass him right out of that habit. The best is yet to come. Before the boys reach that part of their lives that they're showering 3 times a day to smell nice for the girls, WASHING OF ANY KIND COMES TO A HALT. (see non-sock changing above) Trust me. It's a phenomenon that is rarely spoken of, but does truly exist.

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDani

You're crushing my dreams of things getting easier! (my son is two) We're beginning to potty train and I'm just praying that he'll magically decide that underwear isn't evil, so far not much luck!

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKyra

I've been reading everything, T! I just do it while nursing. On my pinkberry. Haven't gotten around to commenting. LOVING everything you write. I always wake the nursing rascal LAUGHING at your posts! ;) xoxo and thanks for the entertainment!

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHaley-O

Ha! And I really only thought women and thong undies were a "bunch up" issue! Great story!

May 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTamara ModernGear TV

Moo wore a g string to play netball. Under her netball shorts.

Was the funniest thing I have EVER SEEN! Wish I had a camera. Haven't seen them in the wash since.

Bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaa

May 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

I'm chimin in with the boxer briefs too. My boys will only wear those and heaven help me if they run out. And that includes the big one Ug.

To everyone who is glad they have a girl, I have one word. Thong.

My daughter Boom just came home and asked me what they were cause her classmate got in trouble for wearing them. She's 8. I about died right there.

May 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

All I have to say about this is thank god for those special baseball underwear that Wyatt wears during games!

May 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Buy Boo the boxer briefs - tell him how great he looks in them - make any necessary innuendo - he will run out and buy more for himself and your son.

May 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersusan

The kids like you thing...oh YES.

OK, I have a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Boy is 4. My hopes were high. You're scaring me. Please tell me that the physical exhaustion will at least...lessen. For me.

And MamaMichelsBabies has TOTALLY freaked me out!!

May 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJCK

It's always a proud proud moment when we get to watch our sons on the playing field digging in their neither regions.

June 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJan

All the cool girls wore thongs at one time.
Which is why I now wear the epitome of granny pannies, practicality baby, PRACTICALITY.

June 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

Hello. I just stumbled upon your site (from EE).
I just wanted you to know that, from what I've read so far (I've been snooping around) you are a wonderful person with a wonderful family.

I will be back latter to read more.

Blessings to you.

Alpha Dude

June 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlpha Dude

As a 16 year-old runner/general athlete I can tell you that the people who are telling you to buy him boxer briefs have no clue what the are talking about. Not only do they ride up like boxers, the elastic leggings get stuck up there and cause the WORST CHAFING IMAGINABLE.

I stick with the briefs. Great support and are extremely comfortable. No ride-up and I dunno. I think I look damn good in them.

June 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSean

Do the boxer briefs come in different colors than plain, boring, whitey tighty white?

August 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMr. Curious

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