To All the Kick Ass Maternal Queens Out There

I've been in hiding these past few days.

The government is looking for me. Something about duct tape, small children and turning the ceiling fan on high.

Apparently, they have no sense of ha ha. They call it "Inappropriate parental behaviour", I like to think it is just another ride over at the Redneck House of Horrors Carnival.


It is all about perspective. And what side of the law you sit on. Heh.

I'm off to spend the day hiding from playing with my children and pretending to be the maternal queen I am.

Bow down to me, my servants subjects and honor me. It is my day. I've earned it after countless months of gestating your nine pound arses, squeezing you out of my delicate flower parts and letting you attack my nipples like a puppy with a chew toy.

Not to mention all the years I've provided maternal services with a smile.


Here's to all the mother's in the world. May your day be worth all the times you've had to wipe up vomit, cleaned up scads of scat and kissed skinned knees.

I know I'll enjoy it.

I plan on making my children call me "Her Majesty" for the entire day.

Happy Mother's Day.