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Having plodded through the third anniversary of Bug's death, I inevitably found myself in the exact same spot I was this time last year. In bed, fighting off the plague brought on by stress, sadness and the germ-infested children I call my offspring.

I am nothing if not predictable when it comes to holidays, anniversaries and birthdays without my Bug.

After having stuffed so much kleenex up my nose that at one point I was eyeing the tampons as a more effective substitute and whining to my husband "I'm dying. I hope your next wife is healthier. And looks more attractive with tissue up her nostrils," so often I'm sure he considered sending me off by smothering me with a pillow, I finally emerged from my cocoon of illness eager to get back online and back to my blog.

I had a whole blog post composed in my head about how my son made me laugh so hard at one point as I lay in bed that the kleenex I had shoved up my snout to staunch the never-ending flow of goop leaking from my sinuses launched from my nose like little slimy missiles and landed on top of his sock.

There is nothing like hurling bullets of snot at your son to make a mother feel better.

So after pouring a cup of coffee and trying to entice our lovely new puppy Thatcher to poop outside of the house instead of beside the bed where Boo inevitably will step in it, I sat down to compose the greatest blog post ever written about mucous, kleenex and children.

Only to find my Internet was not working. Confused, I fiddled with the settings on my computer, wondering if I had pressed the wrong button. When my screen remained blank I did the only thing I knew how to do. I panicked.

I slapped the router. I slapped the computer. I stood up, paced three steps and tried to calm down. I unplugged and rebooted everything. I panicked some more. Finally, after trying to rationalize myself into a state of calmness I called Boo, hoping he could solve my Internet woos and fix what was surely an obvious error of mine and restore my sanity.

"Did you reboot?"

"Yes! Nothing! It's still not working. I have tried everything and I can't get on the net!" I hyperventilated.

"Hmm. Well, you already tried everything I would have so I don't know honey. I'm sure it will work itself out," he stupidly placated to his internet-addicted wife.

"That's not what I want to hear!" I snapped at him as though he was solely responsible for killing the Internet and bringing my world to a crashing halt. "I wanted to write today," I half whined, half sobbed.

"You can still write. You don't need the net for that," he reassured me as though I was stupid.

"I KNOW that. But I can't publish. I can't talk to my friends. They all live inside the magical computer and without the Internet they are dead to me," I cried, only a little hysterically.

"Here's a novel concept: Go read a book." Boo was oblivious to my urgent need to get on the net and tweet the fact I had no internet. He didn't understand my driving need to check my favorite blogs or how with every minute that passed I was possibly missing out on my friends 140 characters of pure wisdom announced on Twitter.

"I don't want to read a book! I want to talk to Danny! I need to email Mr. Lady. I'll miss Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Show! I can't check my email! I can't pay the bills! My world is collapsing and all you can say to my pain is go read a freaking book?" As I spoke my voice got higher and higher and may have even cracked a little at the possibility of not being able to tweet to Whit or Will or Sweetney.

"Dear lord, I married a loser," Boo murmured. 

Ignoring that, I suddenly heard the sounds of clicking over the line. "What are you doing right now?" I asked suspiciously.

"I'm surfing the net. My Internet is working just fine. And someone sent me a really cool link to a funny YouTube video," he smugly replied.

"YOU ASSHOLE! Your beloved wife is freaking out because she has no Internet access and you are YOUTUBING? That is it. I want a divorce!"

"Ah honey, I love you too. I gotta go. You're a clever girl. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Talk with you later."

"Rat bastard." What's the point in having a husband if he can't fix my Internet connection? Getting up to get another cup of coffee I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the hall mirror.  My eyes were a little wild and my face was flushed. I was a crack addict jonesing for her next fix. 

Sitting back down at the computer I eyed the router suspiciously, like it was the root of all evil. I was starting to shake. This must be what getting DT's is like I thought to myself as I poked at the computer.

Suddenly, an idea popped into my head and the clouds parted and I could feel the warm ray of sunshine beam upon my head. I'll call 1-800-MY-APPLE! They'll fix my problem. They'll care that I'm locked out of my online life!

Excited, I grabbed the phone and waited for what seemed like an eternity (okay, maybe 45 seconds but it seemed like forever) as I waited for the next available customer agent to restore order back in my life so I could get my next hit of crack internet fix.

"Hello, Jonesy speaking. How can I help you?" A deep Texan voice drawled on the other end of the line.

"Jonesy! I have no Internet. It died. I've tried everything and I can't get online. I'm wasting away to nothing and if this goes much longer I fear I won't survive," I cried.

"Well, we can't have that now can we, darlin'," he soothed me. "Tell me what seems to be the problem and I'll get you up and running quicker than frog eats a fly," he said.

Jonesy may as well have told me there was no other woman in the entire world as beautiful and clever as I was. While he was asking me to go into my system preferences all I heard was "I'm a tall beautiful Texas boy whose single purpose in life is to feed you frozen grapes and click your mouse as you surf the world wide web of life."

I was in love. Jonesy walked me through one possible scenario to the next, each time murmuring sweet nothings in my ear and telling me everything would soon be all right. He was talking me down from the ledge my sanity threatened to jump off and I was lapping it up like an internet-starved gal.

"Jonesy, you don't know how much this means to me," I gushed. "I've been offline since I went to bed last night and I haven't been able to connect yet this morning. It's killing me!" I explained as I waited for the router to reboot.

"Well ma'am, that must be mighty difficult for a woman such as yourself," he drawled. In my head I knew Jonesy was probably playing World of Warcraft while tossing paper airplanes at his co-workers head as he thought what a twit I was, but in my heart he was riding to my rescue on a white steed, his massive bare chest glistening in the sunlight while his cowboy hat was pulled low to hide his brilliant green eyes.

A girl can dream, can't she?

It wasn't long before Jonesy had everything figured out. "All right Tanis. Why don't you go on and try to get on the net now," he urged.

Holding my breath I opened up my browser. Suddenly a heavenly choir of angels' voices could be heard singing hallelujah.  "You did it! I've got the net! Whoot!" I practically screamed in his ear. "Jonesy, you are the BEST!"

"Shucks ma'am. It was nothing. It's what they pay me to do," he modestly replied while I heard 'Everything I do, I do it for you my beloved blogging lady love.' "You have yourself a nice day and don't hesitate to call back if you ever need any more help. That's what we're here for." (RE: I'll miss you and I can't wait to service you once again in your imagination, making your every desire a dream come true.)

After saying goodbye to my one true Internet love Jonesy, I called my husband. "Boo! It's fixed! I fixed the problem and I'm back online!" I crowed.

"YOU fixed it all by yourself?" Note the suspicion. You'd think the man had been married to me for almost twelve years or something.

"Well, I had a little help from the Apple help center. It doesn't matter how it was fixed, it only matters is I'm tweeting at this very moment!"

"Ya. So in other words some computer geek fixed what you mucked up."

Bristling, I tersely replied, "No. Jonesy fixed computer. Jonesy did what you couldn't do. Jonesy is a GOD. I'm thinking of leaving you for him. I always wanted to live in Texas."

"Jonesy eh? Sounds like some dude who hasn't ever been laid who is 5'6", a little on the heavy side, with buck teeth and male pattern baldness. Have at 'im." Boo laughed.

"I prefer to think of him as a 6'4" brunette with a physique carved from marble and twinkling green eyes, riding around on a white steed with a tattered cowboy hat, hanging off my every word and making my dreams come true." 

"Good for you darlin'. You have fun with that. I've got to get back to work. Real work. Man's work. Go be a mouse potato once again love," he grinned before hanging up.

Bah. He may try, but nothing will ever tarnish the image of the pusher man with the southern drawl who supplied me with crack Internet to feed my addiction.

Jonesy, you will always be my hero. At least until my web connection is on the fritz again and someone else steps in to save the day. 

I'm an addict. I'll stand on any street corner to get my fix.

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Reader Comments (69)

I wanna talk to Jonesy ;-)

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJacquie

Love it. God bless the Jonesys of the world.

Glad you're back among the living.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEternal Sunshine

All those dudes in the Apple store get me a little stirred up, they all hold KEYS, magical keys and knowledge. Ooohh, mmmm.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

Sorry got to agree with Boo. Jonesy is a toad.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDC Urban Dad

Love the Jonesy's of the world. Glad your offline time was short (it may have felt like an eternity though, right?) and that Jonesy got you connected again.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKei

Seriously. The Net is the crack of the 21st century. I *so* relate.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMoxie Mama

Everybody needs a Jonesy once in a while.
We lost power over the winter and I was without internet FOR 3 DAYS! It was awful... I still get goosebumps when I think about it.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSammanthia

Amen sistah. There is NOTHING like not being connected. It's BRUTAL.
I'm glad you're back. I missed you.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

Note to self: eliminate competition in Texas

If Jonesy were really a man he would've told you what he did in case it ever happens to you again, rather than string you along. AND he would've given you his direct line.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWill

[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptHaving plodded through the third anniversary of Bug’s death, I inevitably found myself in the exact same spot I was this time last year. In bed, fighting off the plague brought on by stress, sadness and the germ-infested children I call my offspring. I am nothing if not predictable when it comes to holidays, anniversaries and birthdays without my Bug. After having stuffed so much kleenex up my nose that at one point I was eyeing the tampons as a more effective substitute and whining to my hus [...]

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJonesy

mouse potato. that's me. 100% and i'm only mildly ashamed to admit it. heh.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali

[...] the rest of this great post here Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and [...]

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJonesy

God bless the Jonesys of the world!

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMomma Trish

When I was in Saint Croix without internet or cell reception, I almost died. I had to create a fake Internet in my head where everybody laughed at my jokes and we were all tanned and not all loserish.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAvitable

OMG when my wireless router died, a little piece of me died with it. In order to access the intercrack now, I have to stand on a step ladder and the keyboard is still above my eye level. It's a good thing I don't have to see the keyboard to type.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaila

Funny I always get a Mike or Tom from India when I call. How many Mike and Toms live in India?

So I just tell them my name's Bhanu.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPAPA

Hello My name is Cindy and my husband has had to rent me geeks. Yes it's sad but it's true. The regular pusher techie just won't do it for me anymore. I have to have an in house source. And it has started to creep into my childrens lives. They too no longer know how to communicate without e-mail. We live in the same house and still send IM's to each other. We only see Grandma via webcam. And she only lives a click or so away. The power went out last week...oh I can't even contemplate the horror that is power failure in my home. Please get yourselves help before it is too late for you too.......

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCindy and Co.

I'm glad you are back. You were missed.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteramandashea17

SO glad you were able to survive while he fixed it. THAT was a close one :-D

We'll always have that weird little box with the number buttons on it that we can talk into. What do they call that thing again?

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMr Lady

Glad to have you back Tanis...and glad Jonesy gave you your fix!!!!

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSunnie

Snot rockets aside, I loves me some American beefcake on the geek line. I hate to get the India people because they just do not understand Appalachian Virginian accents. Everything I say is, can you repeat that, maam? Or they guess wrong at what I said. Makes me crazy.

Yay for you and your internet. I must go now though because I see an occular migraine coming...damn those floaty jelly things in my eyes...

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

I bet Jonesy has a blog and as soon as he was done helping you, he wrote a totally awesome blog post about some hot Canadian chick who made his day!

The first hit is always free, remember that. Next time Jonesy will require some form of payback.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

I just wanted to say that in the past week, I managed to read your entire archives... because I was so fascinated when I ended up here. I hope you're feeling better and I'm very glad your internet is back up and running!

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

My computer was recently down for 24 hours and I thought I was going to die. I need to buy a Mac. Jonesy? He's a stud. I had Masul helping me and he was a pervert. He taunted me about fucking emails with BHJ. Not fucking emails, but emails about fucking. I am so not saying this right. He taunted me about an email exchange with BHJ about fucking. The topic fucking. Not real fucking. This is not coming out right. I should never have tried to explain.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTwenty Four At Heart

Ha! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has eyed the tampons while crap just drip drip drips out of my nose. Don't they use those things for nose bleeds? No? If I ever give in and lay about with light days tampons hanging out of my nose, I promise to send you a picture. ;)

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBri

glad you are feeling better

thanks internet cowboy!

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertony

Great post! I have been coming around to read your posts and archives - they are awesome. I too feel so lost without internet connection....my husband can't possibly understand but I do love the people who work their magic all the way from India (that's where all my live help comes from) and work their magic!
Hoping that too will pass. Thank you for sharing these tough human experiences and your pain.
thank you, thank you, thank you.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteranita doberman

I glad your back and feeling a little better I myself was having withdrawl from your blog.Now I am oh so relaxed and feeling a bit high from it.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentertina L

I'm an addict too :)

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterchanelireli

Don't you just love the people at Apple... thank God for Macs :)

I'd like a piece of Jonesy myself I'm a thinkin'... and I'm pretty darn sure Texas is warmer than Michigan right now... where is my suitcase...

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRusti

Soooorr___yyy, (whew) (fingers twitching, heart racing), folks in town, haven't been able to log on in (gasp), uuhh, 2 HOURS DAMMNIT...(huh,huh,huh) finally made it to the keyboard..Ahh..so nice, heeyyy, baaaby, how you doon?

I could use a Jonesie for problems with my (erk!) Vista. I mean I could use a Jonesie, but not in a gay sort of way. Only computer stuff! Not that there is anything wrong with that..

Oh, yeah, welcome back Tanis!

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterIrishGumbo

glad you're back and feeling better! jonesy sounds *wonderful* - and your husband sounds a lot like mine when i ask for help :-/ what counts, though, is that you're back! yay!

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMommyNamedApril

Well at least Thatcher will get back at your husband for his lack of sympathy. Heck, as long as the poop ends up on his side of the bed, why are you worried about it?

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBill

No fair!!! My tech dude sounded ude and couldn't help me.....I had to go 24 hours netless!!! Oh well were both back online now anyways.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGrant's Mommy

I have my own IT bloke with the sexy voice.

But I still wanna talk to Jonesy, ya'll.

Glad you are back online babe, I was offline for an hour the other day and I died.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Hey when you get the jones, you get the jones

Glad you are back

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpaige

When my Internet is down I get all sorts of crazy.

All hail Jonesy!

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngella

I have not been to your blog in a while and was shocked to see your new digs. Like it but I have to say, I was partial to the old one. Oh and just to rub it in, my Jonsey is my husband. He will move hell or high water to get us back online. Of course, his level of addiction makes my use look recreational.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThey Call Me Bobby

Swoons can come from all kinds.

Glad you got your internet swoon on.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteramanda

I missed you too.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew

I love how you can use humor to recover from a tough situation. And you crack me up as always. But I don't want to gloss over the source of the original sadness and wish you peace. With or without the internets. (Hopefully with.) Mwa.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermom101

The thought of no Internet and no Twitter can cause me to cry. Big hugs sloppy tears, snot, the works. And yet my husband doesn't get it. He thinks it's good for me. Shudder.
When do we get the brain implants so we can be connected to our peeps all the time?

Oh, I'll admit it freely, I'm a total blog/Internet addict. And I don't want no stinkin' cure!

And when in doubt, always reboot. Rebooting fixes 99% of my problems. lol

Glad you got your fix.

October 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRhea

Glad you feel better!

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHockeyman

Yeah, I sweat like a whore in church every time my Internet goes out. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. What the Hell did we DO before Internet???
Oh - and I LOVE me a Texas drawl. In my mind, all Texan men look like the Marlboro Man. Please don't let Boo shatter my dreams with talk of 5'6" with male patterned baldness. I like my delusion, I mean fantasy. Thank you very much.

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDonna in VA

Mmmmmm. There was a Jonesy in HBO's series "Carnivale" and he was appealing in an strenge, wounded man way. I think it's the name.

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTurtleGirl93

It would appear that the Blog World is full of crazy people today.

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDenguy

Thank God for Jonesy.

(ps: I had a dream about you last night (weird, right?) and it made me want to scoop you up and hug you, so consider this your virtual-type hug.)

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

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