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Letter to My Dog

Listen up dog, things have got to change. Because after last night, you are lucky that I am not packing you up and dropping you off in the middle of some random farmer's field, leaving you to be some bitch or bait for the nearest coyote, wolf or fox.

Quit looking at me with those puppy dog eyes dammit. All right. So it's a blatant lie, everyone knows I would never leave you to be raped and eaten by a hungry wild critter. But keep up the shit you pulled last night and I promise you I will start buying the cheap dog food. You know the type...tastes like sawdust, makes you shit like you've never shit before.

That's right Nixon. See who wears the pants around here? And those doggie treats I keep buying for you, you know, the ones you love but give you wicked gas; gas you have no problems releasing when your ass is inches from my nose, those treats are gone.

I mean business.

You see dog, I did my time getting up at all hours to check on small children. I put in my hours feeding and changing babies. They've grown older. And, dammit, so have I. One of the perks of your babies growing older is that they sleep through the night. And piss in the pot. Not all over the damn floor.

I may call you my baby, rub your belly and stroke your fur, but it's only a term of endearment. You aren't really my baby. You're my dog. I picked your scraggly ass out of a litter and paid good coin to have you shit on my floors sit on my lap. Unless science figures out a way to squeeze a four-legged critter that is in desperate need of a nail clipping out of my old and abused uterus, you need to stop abusing your powers of the puppy dog eyes and cuteness and cut this momma a break.

Did you really need to sleep all damn day like a teenager and then pace the entire length of the house all night long? You know I'm a light sleeper. Your little claws clicking on the hardwood and tile were like Chinese water torture for me last night.

Did you really need to jump up on the bed incessantly, flop down for two seconds, thereby lulling me into a false sense of security and then jump back off the bed to resume your midnight pacing?

What ever happened to my sweet Nixon, the one who would bury his ass by my face and sleep the night by my side, snoring like a lumberjack and farting all night long? Remember that? I would squish you and shove you and curse at you and you would just burr in closer? Always with your ass in my face? Those were the good nights. How I miss them.

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I love you my little nose picker. I really do. Don't make me get medieval on your ass.

Did you really need to jump up on the window and pretend to be 'Tough Dog', barking at the deer, moose, dog, cat, bear, fox, squirrel, bird, facking boogey man or whatever was on the other side of the glass and start barking like a rabid idiot?

News flash Nixon, we live in the bush. There are animals out there. They'll eat you. So shut up at night or I'll send you out there and see how big your shrunken raisin testicles really are.

Did you really need to whimper at the door, whining to be let out, not once, not twice, but three times last night? And each time I stumbled my sorry, naked, freezing ass to the door and let you out, you did NOTHING. You sat and stared at the sky. While you communed with the heavens, I sat on the couch in the complete darkness, shivering and wishing I were back in bed.

Do you have any idea how cold tile floor is in the middle of the night when you are standing in front of a door, naked, waiting to let in a damn dog? It's cold, dude. REAALLY cold.

And with all three trips you took outside to stargaze, did it not cross that pea-sized brain of yours to say, oh, go to the facking washroom? Was it really necessary to shit right beside the front door, where I almost stepped in it in the darkness? You couldn't have gone during one of the times I let you out? What the hell do you think I drug my sorry ass out of bed for in the first place?

Hint dude: It wasn't so you could howl at the moon.

I love you Nixon. I really do. Ask the Internets. They'll tell you I call you the World's Greatest Dog, Ever. Because in my eyes, you really are. You helped take all that pain and heartache I carry and make it all a little less heavy. You sit on my lap at night and snore softly and my heart grows three sizes, just like the Grinch.

I even think it's funny when you growl at Boo when he tries to move you so he can sit next to me.

But Nixon, I'm only one man's bitch and his name is Boo.

So quit with the shit at night or I'll feed you to the fishes lock you in the laundry room at night. Face it, neither of us wants that.

But mess with my beauty sleep again and I'll show you just how well this bitch wears the pants.

Update: The letter seemed to really work. Heh, heh. Last night he was as good as gold. Seems he really does know who is boss. Ya, I know. I'm delusional.
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Reader Comments (36)

OMG! We have a Boston Terrier too! She (Willow) is just like yours... pee's in the house when it is too cold outside for her pansy little ass. (we live in Northern Minnesota, 30 min. form Winnepeg, Canada) At night, hogs the bed and stretches out sideways between DH and I, and kicks untill you move out of her way. Now, we make her sleep with one of the kids at night, with their door closed, as she will raom the house with her clicking little nails on the tile and hardwood. Barks at any movement outside, including her own shadow. She is a very smart dog, but the pansy ass peeing in the house has got to end!!!! P.E.R.I.O.D. I wish I knew how to attach a photo of her here, she is so cute and is the exact same color as yours (brindle and white) she is 19 months old. If they weren't such loving and affectionate dogs, I'd have kicked her sorry ass to the "creatures of the night" a long time ago.
How old is your Nixon?


January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrandi N.

Dude, so been there. I always feel guilty, too, like what if they have the runs and they are trying really hard to hold it?

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterqt

i think this is exactly why i could never get a dog...:)

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterali


(I relate to the toenail clicking and pacing. Ours also groans and sighs periodically. And she's deaf, so you can't tell her to stop it.)

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterArkie Mama

Ye gods! You had to get up THREE times in the night??! Sounds like that pup is more work than a baby!!

And yet, we love our mutts through all this crap and more. We dog lovers are all bonkers (in an endearing way, I like to believe, but still stark raving mad)

I love that Nixon makes your heart expand threefold.


January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJellyhead

This is why I don't have a dog. Although Chewy likes to get vocal at like, 5am and it's highly annoying.

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

i got trouble just handling the kid.....never mind a dog...
from one sleep deprived mom to another..
my heart bleeds for ya girl.....

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNoahsMom

You tell 'em RM!!

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjacquie

I have no dog, just a slutty kitty named Wilbur that rapes my carpet and has to pee at five freaking am.

I feel for you. :S

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

Our dog has taken to puking up yellow bile on our white carpets. Love her to death but MY GOD I am sick of using the Little Green Machine!

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSleepynita

"Don’t make me get medieval on your ass."
LOL, my dad says this all the time!

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHetha

It is now with certainty that i can say that Nixon is related to one of my cats. They employ the same techniques to prevent a decent night's sleep. I nearly killed the poor bugger last night and I think at one point I yelled FUCK OFF IT'S MY PILLOW at him at some ungodly hour.

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSerendipity, baby!

Uh Oh, sounds like Nixon is in "the doghouse"

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLauraszoo

The canines of the world must be hatching a plan to overtake us by lack of sleep. We've got it bad over here, too.

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercarrie

And this is why my dogs sleep in the kitchen, locked behind a gate. It's not that I don't trust them (although, we do remember the Girl Scout cookies don't we?) I just don't want to deal with their ways all night as well as all day.

I love them too much to have them killed anyway.

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

You crack me up. I was whining/ranting about dogs today too. I'll let you in on a secret though: I can't resist a boston terrier. They're my favorite, and I love your pictures of Nixon.

{He better behave. Enough of that nonsense.}

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

I get that you wear the pants, but have you considered a bath robe, at least when you have to let the dog out at night?

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMac and Cheese

Ha! This is exactly what goes on at our house except I make my husband get up with the dog. It's always our dog who can't sleep b/c of the wind, or something and ends up in bed with us while the kids are fine in their own rooms fast asleep.

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLori at Spinning Yellow

Make Fric ad Frac run him ragged after school to wear him out. Works with mine. The kids sleep better, too.

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGette

lol, your dog and my dog have been talking and this is their plan!

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjenny

I knows a guy that knows a guy, hey, I am that guy. We have a wolf-dog. As in genuine gray wolf malamute mix. 50-50 of each. Several years ago, when I worked at Tinker Air Force Base in OKC, they would randomly select cars leaving the base and ask for permission to have your car checked by their dog patrols. I mean, who was going to say "No". So one day this military dog is checking the outside of the car, then after all the doors are open, the MP has the dog enter the back seat, whereupon this dog FREEZES big time. The guy asks me, do you have some kind a pet? I say yeah, a wolf-dog hybrid. And he says that he has never seen the dog freeze like that.

He is friendly as chit with people, and he likes to go nose to nose with other dogs, but since he was fixt long before he had a gliimer of a twinkle in his eye (He is as sterile as a capon) he doesnt show any aggression at all and he could scare the chit out of your mutt. You know, some tough love that would make your hound realize that there are things out there that can eat him whole. So if you think he needs some tough love, and you agree to pay for his food, and his plane flight up there, give me a call at 1-800-DOG CHIT.
Of course for a cheaper fee, we could just send up a towel that our wolf-dog peed on, and well, you get the picture. Who knows, maybe it would scare away the moose!

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLarryLilly

This was "facking" hilarious! ;) I totally relate -- my cat Minden wakes me up at all hours to LICK the shit out of my face ('specially MOUTH -- ick)! He wants in. He wants out. AND, I have a newborn to wake up for.... He needs a talking to, too -- see who wears the pants around HERE! ;)

But, I can't relate to the freezing.... That's one rough night. He's lucky he's so dang CUTE!

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHaley-O

I am on my second Boston Terrier. The first had me up a million times at night to let him out (even though he had already peed on the floor). This one not so bad...yet. He is still young. However, it is my experience that it doesn't matter what you feed or treat these distinguished animals. Their gas will always be MUCH more heinous than a large dead bloated animal rotting in a dump and baking in hot humid heat...at low tide. Apparently it is always served up best under your nose (or covers). Gotta love them though, they are the sweetest creatures!

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJanine

Good thing the letter helped. Otherwise i might suggest some doggie meds. Do you think they make canine prozac ?

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

Yeah, my dog puked on my running shoes the other night....bastard.

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

Can you write a letter to my cats. please? Cause I have tried everything with them and they do not listen to me.
As much as I say I'm not a dog person, I think Nixon is ADORABLE!!!
(I love dogs, just other people's dogs...)

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaural Dawn

I'm sorry, I thought I was reading about the 12 teenage boys in my house all weekend playing Gutair Hero.

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJosie

My Henry cat has taken to leaping up to the top of the high dresser that is temporarily next to my bed, then jumping down and landing on my body with all of his 13 lbs. in the middle of the godforsaken night. I almost killed him the other night. So why do I love him so, when he's such an asshole?

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

if this really worked, would you mind writing my cats? Oh I see Laural Dawn has already asked - you know a form letter would work...

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

Doctors Must Do The Math, Because They Really Are Winners.

My boys spent the night with their Grandparents on Saturday night. When they came home Sunday evening, The Teenager was covered with some little, some very large bumps on his face and arms. Because I am a "Nut of a...

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJoy Unexpected

I have two bostons, Mojavi and Sahara.. Sahara (sara) my girl is a bitch! If it rains outside AT ALL! she will pee in the house! The farts are insane, and the SNORING!! omg... the snoring!!

but yeah love the boston... hate the gas, pee, snoring, etc...

January 8, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermojavi

PERFECT. I can 100% relate.

January 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMinnie

I've always wanted a Boston. He's adorable. Well, if I only look at the picture and don't read the text, he is.

January 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJane

My cats do the same thing. Except they destroy furniture instead of making messes. At least you can clean it up...:)

This is the first time I've really had a chance to poke around on your blog (I'm coming over from Julie's). I hope you and your family were comforted by your memories of Bug on his birthday. I'm really crappy at expressing sentiment like this, but you and yours will be in my thoughts today.

January 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Dog nails on hardwood . . . I call it tap dancing when our puppy does it while we eat. Back and forth, back and forth, ARGH! It's maddening.

I sat naked or freezing, waiting for my dog to come back in way too many nights. It's like having another baby who needs you in the middle of the night. Yup. Only moms can really properly care for dogs.

That is why we got a doggie door! It is the kind that butts up against the sliding glass door. I had to wait for an income tax refund a couple years ago to pay for it (over $100 at PetSmart), but it has changed my life.

Now, I just wait for her to arrive at my bed at sun-up, and paw me to let me know it's time for food and water. I really hate that on Saturdays!

January 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGeri

I totally get it. Why Madeline has to go out at 3:30 in the morning five nights out of six is beyond me. I keep telling myself I'd rather let her out than clean up poo but I may start to rethink that at some point.

January 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAsthmagirl

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