Worms out of the Woodwork

Did you know that if one ventures outside in -40 degree temperatures wearing nothing but a fuzzy bathrobe gaping wide open and a pair of slippers that rival Bossy's in cuteness, one can expect one's boobs to send sharp shooting pains to her brain as the metal hoops piercing said boobs freeze and burn her tender skin, meanwhile all exposed leg and nostril hair will instantly shrivel up and fall off?

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Not made to wear out in knee-deep snowdrifts...while not wearing pants.

No? Me neither. Oh, the things I've learned during this brutal cold snap that has the kids and myself seeking shelter in our igloo house while Mother Nature messes with us.

That was the last time I rescued my dog from forming into a puppy popsicle as he peed outside and his paws froze to the deck. I'm now currently working on potty training the little bugger so as to save both of our hides from freezer burn.

Meanwhile, it's a good thing I still have those size five diapers.

So I do what I can to entertain myself. Generally at my children's expense. Nothing like freaking them out for a little amusement. The look (of terror) in my son's eye when I came at him with a rusty needle and a potato telling him I wanted to give him matching boob rings as a mother/son bonding moment was worth the three days of listening to him and his sister argue over which video game to play.

Don't worry internets, I wasn't serious. I was only teasing. Really. I was trying to pierce Fric's nose but she chickened out too. Pansy ass kids of mine. Wait till their older. Then they'll be BEGGING me to take a needle and a potato to their hides.

Since the kids have taken to hiding under their beds whenever they hear my footsteps and the dog refuses to crawl out from under the sofa, I've taken to my computer for all sources of amusement and entertainment.

Have I mentioned how much I love YouTube?

Between video surfing and blog reading, I have been endlessly checking my email accounts for any type of human contact that doesn't look at me and scream "No Mommy! NO!" whenever I look at it.

Being nominated for a Bloggie has not only brought increased traffic and curious looky-loo's to the land of Redneck, but it has also filled my inbox.

Letters such as the following:

Redneck Mommy,

I recently came across your blog when I was checking out the nominees for the Bloggie awards. I have read months of your archives and while I would like to say I found you amusing and interesting it was more like I was compelled the same way one is compelled to gawk at a horrific traffic accident.

How you can find amusement and entertainment in animal cruelty and suffering is beyond me. You should not be allowed to own pets. Nor should you be allowed to be a parent. There is a reason why you have not been approved for adoption. You are lucky the authorities are not removing your children from your custody, as it is obvious your parenting style is to mock and abuse them for your own entertainment. I fear for the adults they will eventually turn into because of your lifestyle choices.

You should seek help before it is too late for your children and for yourself.

I will not be voting for you for a Bloggie. I will pray for you, your children and your pets though.

June from Ontario.

I would have responded to June from Ontario and thanked her for her kind words and thoughtful prayers, but I have a sneaking suspicion that her email addy 'iwillpray4usinner@saviour.com' is not her real address.

But June, if you are reading this I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the time you spent on reading my archives and then subsequently emailing me your thoughts. I will take your suggest under advisement but most likely I will just mock and ridicule you.

Dear Tanis,

I think u is real funny. I like it when u post picures of yer boobs. I voted for ya. I wish u woudn't talk so much about yer husband or yer kids so much tho. I'm really glad you posted your name. It's purdy.

Yer biggest fan,

Bob from the U.S.

Thanks Bob. I'll take this as a friendly reminder as to why I don't post our last names or location on the interweb. But I appreciate the time you took from your porn surfing to email little ol' me. My heart just swells with gratitude. Even if I did develop a nervous twitch after reading this.

To T,

I read you all the time. You are really pretty. But why are your posts so long? I think your really funny and I voted for you in the Bloggies. But I think you would have a broader audience is you weren't so wordy. I read your posts at work and sometimes it is difficult to finish them because my boss wants me to do something.

Oh, and could you ask your husband if he could give me a raise? And don't tell him I asked. Or that I think you're pretty.

Thanks. Keep up the great work and good luck.



I think I may have to kick my husband's ass for telling everyone about my website at work. But Jody, my posts are wordy because I have too much damn time on my hands, I don't have enough kids to occupy me and I have a fondness for run-on sentences.

In the future, I'll try to keep my words to a minimum.

Have I mentioned how much I love the internet? Cuz really, I do.

Nothing like a bit of fanmail from judgmental crusaders, perverts and crazies the public to make the hours fly as I'm trapped in my house with my children and can't escape.

It is gratifying to know people are touched by my blog and would take time from their precious lives to send me some sort of feedback.

I just didn't need to know they were touching themselves while they were doing it.