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Wednesday
Jan302008

Worms out of the Woodwork

Did you know that if one ventures outside in -40 degree temperatures wearing nothing but a fuzzy bathrobe gaping wide open and a pair of slippers that rival Bossy's in cuteness, one can expect one's boobs to send sharp shooting pains to her brain as the metal hoops piercing said boobs freeze and burn her tender skin, meanwhile all exposed leg and nostril hair will instantly shrivel up and fall off?


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Not made to wear out in knee-deep snowdrifts...while not wearing pants.


No? Me neither. Oh, the things I've learned during this brutal cold snap that has the kids and myself seeking shelter in our igloo house while Mother Nature messes with us.

That was the last time I rescued my dog from forming into a puppy popsicle as he peed outside and his paws froze to the deck. I'm now currently working on potty training the little bugger so as to save both of our hides from freezer burn.

Meanwhile, it's a good thing I still have those size five diapers.

So I do what I can to entertain myself. Generally at my children's expense. Nothing like freaking them out for a little amusement. The look (of terror) in my son's eye when I came at him with a rusty needle and a potato telling him I wanted to give him matching boob rings as a mother/son bonding moment was worth the three days of listening to him and his sister argue over which video game to play.

Don't worry internets, I wasn't serious. I was only teasing. Really. I was trying to pierce Fric's nose but she chickened out too. Pansy ass kids of mine. Wait till their older. Then they'll be BEGGING me to take a needle and a potato to their hides.

Since the kids have taken to hiding under their beds whenever they hear my footsteps and the dog refuses to crawl out from under the sofa, I've taken to my computer for all sources of amusement and entertainment.

Have I mentioned how much I love YouTube?

Between video surfing and blog reading, I have been endlessly checking my email accounts for any type of human contact that doesn't look at me and scream "No Mommy! NO!" whenever I look at it.

Being nominated for a Bloggie has not only brought increased traffic and curious looky-loo's to the land of Redneck, but it has also filled my inbox.

Letters such as the following:

Redneck Mommy,

I recently came across your blog when I was checking out the nominees for the Bloggie awards. I have read months of your archives and while I would like to say I found you amusing and interesting it was more like I was compelled the same way one is compelled to gawk at a horrific traffic accident.

How you can find amusement and entertainment in animal cruelty and suffering is beyond me. You should not be allowed to own pets. Nor should you be allowed to be a parent. There is a reason why you have not been approved for adoption. You are lucky the authorities are not removing your children from your custody, as it is obvious your parenting style is to mock and abuse them for your own entertainment. I fear for the adults they will eventually turn into because of your lifestyle choices.

You should seek help before it is too late for your children and for yourself.

I will not be voting for you for a Bloggie. I will pray for you, your children and your pets though.

June from Ontario.



I would have responded to June from Ontario and thanked her for her kind words and thoughtful prayers, but I have a sneaking suspicion that her email addy 'iwillpray4usinner@saviour.com' is not her real address.

But June, if you are reading this I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the time you spent on reading my archives and then subsequently emailing me your thoughts. I will take your suggest under advisement but most likely I will just mock and ridicule you.

Dear Tanis,

I think u is real funny. I like it when u post picures of yer boobs. I voted for ya. I wish u woudn't talk so much about yer husband or yer kids so much tho. I'm really glad you posted your name. It's purdy.

Yer biggest fan,

Bob from the U.S.



Thanks Bob. I'll take this as a friendly reminder as to why I don't post our last names or location on the interweb. But I appreciate the time you took from your porn surfing to email little ol' me. My heart just swells with gratitude. Even if I did develop a nervous twitch after reading this.

To T,

I read you all the time. You are really pretty. But why are your posts so long? I think your really funny and I voted for you in the Bloggies. But I think you would have a broader audience is you weren't so wordy. I read your posts at work and sometimes it is difficult to finish them because my boss wants me to do something.

Oh, and could you ask your husband if he could give me a raise? And don't tell him I asked. Or that I think you're pretty.

Thanks. Keep up the great work and good luck.

Regards,

Jody


I think I may have to kick my husband's ass for telling everyone about my website at work. But Jody, my posts are wordy because I have too much damn time on my hands, I don't have enough kids to occupy me and I have a fondness for run-on sentences.

In the future, I'll try to keep my words to a minimum.

Have I mentioned how much I love the internet? Cuz really, I do.

Nothing like a bit of fanmail from judgmental crusaders, perverts and crazies the public to make the hours fly as I'm trapped in my house with my children and can't escape.

It is gratifying to know people are touched by my blog and would take time from their precious lives to send me some sort of feedback.

I just didn't need to know they were touching themselves while they were doing it.






« I Can Hit the High Notes...Ask My Dog | Main | Blizzards and Flakes »

Reader Comments (80)

clearly, fame has it's downsides. let me know if you need reinforcements.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjen

What next? Paparazzi?
Move over Brittney !!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPhilly

Just think what will happen if you win!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Wow, I love the first email. I'm always amazed that people take such time to write these sorts of things to bloggers. I mean, Nasty-Grams are fun to get and all, especially when they can be openly mocked, but why bother with sending it in the first place.

That's the beauty of the Internet, I think, being able to choose what you read.

But, I suppose, opinions being like assholes and all, people are entitled to them.

If you have any spare blog trolls, send 'em my way.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Becky

Well, I read your blog ALLL the time and I think you're a great mom. One day, your kids will thank you, not because you "mocked" them, but because you taught them how to have a sense of humor. Imagine that June - a sense of humor!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkris

It always makes the haters seem just a little more special when they throw in the fact that they are praying for you, huh?

(In my letters, it is also usually thrown in that THEIR Jesus is a different Jesus than MY Jesus. For which I am eternally grateful, thanks.)

You rock, you purdy thing, you.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoralee

OMG I HATE the frozen nostril hair! It makes me feel like I have boogers in my nose and I hate that even more than being freaking cold.

Sorry someone called you a sinner, weirdos

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSister Sassy

Brrr it's cold here today in Ontario, too but not as nipple-freezing as it is out in your neck of the woods.

(Twitter is a great way to reach out and touch the blogosphere, too...)

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAssertagirl

Do not use a curved needle on the boobs. Just sayin'.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

Can't wait until we sinners can imbibe together at BlogHer next year and revel in our evildoing. We might even do that while we've got ill-gotten babies strapped to us.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

Dear Redneck Mommy,
I saw your blog on the Bloggies and now I'm really offended because WHAT kind of mom wears slippers outside and has a nose ring and HOW do you think it's ok to have a half-nekkid woman on your header and pretty women are from the devil and OH BY THE WAY I am praying for you.

Sincerely,
Bertha
prayingforyoutimestwo@myjesusisbetterthanyourjesus.com

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBananas

I love how your friend from Ontario (IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR!) took the time to read your archives. She obviously has a fetish that involves horrifying herself so I'm glad you could oblige her. But what I want to know - what did you do to force her to read your blog? You used the rusty needle and potato, didn't you?

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

Too wordy? as opposed to what? a picture book?

I like you the way you are - Honest, sincere and funny as HELL!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergorillabuns

Lawd, please tell me you made up that letter from Bob.

Getting a letter like that would so make my day...maybe even my year - that is some seriously funny sh*t.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

Congrats on your Bloggie nomination! I definitely voted for you, and I'll be adding you to my feeds since you're so friggin hilarious. :D

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastica

I found you from the Bloggie too! But I did not feel compelled to send you an email, I am not sure if that is a relief or a disappointment. I will delurker myself though. I am loving your blog! Very funny. Plus, you have a boston terrier, that makes you A-OK in my book-- animal cruelty, mocking and child abuse aside. HA!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

Famous --- ups and downs and a whole bunch of clowns.
Now why would the kids and dog be hiding so much, us mamas need some fun too.
Hubby is addicted to Youtube lately, and is definitely dementing the not-so-little bears with eighties songs. Imagine this, they don't understand Boy George?
~ The Mama Bear

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPenelope Anne

Hey T- you'll have company down there despite the Good Book Thumper's Prayers...don't worry. We in Michigan have had a cold snap as well and the kids are out of school. I now know that I would SUCK as a stay at home mom and have the greatest respect for all of them out there. I don't have full-day care for my grade-schooler....so here I sit trying to work from home with both my grass monkeys bickering at great lengths with one another over who is looking at who and they of course are hungry at all minutes of every hour...... MOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM!!!! I am about ready to beat my 7 year old with my 5 year old. I have contemplated giving them matches and razors and letting them fend for themselves while I head up to the local blue collar dive for a couple of brews and some adult conversation with the tradesmen. Gotta love yer hatemail. Those people don't realize that they are just ammunition and their material is only used for sarcastic poking. Unless you are SAVABLE. : )

Definitely voted for ya.

Nostrilcicles man....when you know you SHOULD NOT BE OUTSIDE.

Robin

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

Damn! The folks who find me looking for Mamma MILFs never send me email!

*stomping off in a huff*

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMammaLoves

You've been onboard long enough that blog trolls are inevitable. I'm new and so far, no praying for you hate mail. Remarkable for a Tool of Satan.
I voted for you, too.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo

I wanted to send you an e-mail but mine would say "found you on the bloggie awards and read your archives till midnight and cried me a river. Come down right now with your crazy family and we can laugh while we drink wine and you can thaw out." Hmm maybe I'm just as crazy as the rest of your readers, who knows.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJudi from Fla.

I like those. Especially the person who gets their panties in a wad that you use too many words.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJen M

I've rethought this whole "wordy" thing and I am formally suggesting that you consider sending Morse code blog posts.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Becky

There are fucktards everywhere. Why the feel a need to write to you I don't know - but it sure is entertaining!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSleepynita

Yer so famous and so purrty.

Gotta love that helpful fan mail.

Did you get mine asking to see your boobs again before I can vote for you?

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSandra

Why did you refer to June as Faye? I am confused, she signed it Faye and you call her June? Why am I hung up on this? ;)

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKay

Good Gawd I mean she signed it June and you called her Faye. Pour me another one!!!!!!!!!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKay

I stopped touching myself, I swear! ;)

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlli ~Mrs. Fussypants

For chrissake. I knew I should have gotten you drunk and had you tattoo my name on your ass BEFORE you got all famous.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

You know, I never thought to ridicule the crazies on my blog. Oh the fun I could have. I just read, think L-O-S-E-R, do the L thing to my forehead and hit delete.

Apparently my potty mouth caused my sons Autism. And my husbands breakdown. Well maybe I had a hand in the latter, but it is so fun to kick someone when they are down...... (oh and any of RM's crazies reading this, I. AM. JOKING..... a little)

And oh the war and pestilence that is gunna be rained down on me! From some moron sitting in his dirty underwear surfing for porn and comes across my wholesome little blog. A 'cubby' is a childs playhouse you perv!!!

Phew. Thanks for allowing me to rant in your comments. I feel better now... especially seeing I seem to be in some great company with the emails from the nut jobs!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

It seems to me that if someone has taken the time to read your archives, they should know a whole lot better than the first emailer seems to. How absurd.

Okay, still laughing at the image of the dog's feet frozen to the deck. (And not touching myself, FWIW.) ;^)

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

Laughing at your crazies!

If I didn't read your blog all the time, I'm sure I'd be as mental as they are.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermy float

Too bad June doesn't live here, then you could make yourself a little Prayercicle. Silly, silly haters.

And I too am currently enjoying an illicit affair with the Interwebs. Whatever did I do with my time when I was housebound pre-internet?

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterandi

Oh, June or Faye,

Go fug yourself. Or write more emails for us to laugh at.

Toodles,
Andrea

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

We've actually got a guy visiting in our office this week from Alberta. He's laughing his ass off and showing everyone the forecasts from back home.

Oh, and I wish I got crazy fan mail. My weirdest is someone who wanted me to join their recipe circle (yeah, it made that much sense to me too).

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSciFi Dad

I see June as the type of gal who allowed people to call her Junie as a child. But at least she's creative, the lovely stranges that leave me odd comments always use the name 'Anonymous@anonymous.com' .

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteramanda

Congratulations on your nomination! I've always enjoyed 'torturing' my kids too. Must do something to entertain ourselves--and help us survive the craziness they subject us to! Keep up the great work!!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

I love you. The imagine of you going at both kids with a rusty needle and potato...priceless.

I actually complained to a customer from Red Deer about the -23 here...she laughed at me and called me a wuss. Still CDN, but from Ontario :)

As for the first email....honey, that's how real people talk about life. Deal.

And I'm all for more boob shots for Bob from the US.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJosie

Perhaps June needs to have the term "tongue-in-cheek" defined for her?

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenn @ Juggling Life

Ohhhh, JUNE!

(that's HILARIOUS, you SINNER, you!) Ha! But, omigosh, to think someone could say all those things, no matter how CARAZAY! Wow.... Talk about sinning....

I really hope Bob doesn't know where you live! ;)

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHaley-O

i think June is jealous... yeah that must be it,poor thing
Bob should be tracked down, collared and taken away...
and Judy, well, i think she deserves a raise...
:-)

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStef

Just gotta tell you that I read you every day.. new to the blogging world,but can't start my day without reading my list of favorites...

PLEASE publish some more of those emails, and don't forget to comment... I laughed til I cried reading these!!

Keep writing.. now I gotta go find out what a bloggie is and vote for you!!

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMary

June sounds like my Great Aunt Mary, who used to enclose a "7 Steps to Salvation" pamphlet in our Christmas and birthday cards. When we were children.

Am howling over your attempts to entertain yourself while terrifying the offspring. Next, you might try offering to decorate them with ink-pen prison tattoos.

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterArkie Mama

I think June needs to have her vibrator recharged.
And can I just say that the mere thought of frozen nipple rings has me squirming in misery. Good heck and here I thought just the needle issue would get me. Ouch

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSue

Totally un-freaking-believable.
Loved the first e-mail. She sounds like a freaking luni.

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMinnie

Oh.My.God.
It takes all types doesn't it? June needs to grow some go-nads and leave her real email address. What in the world would posses someone to read someone's blog, send them a very rude email and then not leave a return address? I guess a freak like June. Nice June, Very nice. Now June. Why don't you go find something else to do...
Oh look June. I know what my email address is. Apparently you forgot to take your B-12 and forgot yours.
Twit.

Love ya Redneck Woman! I think you are hilarious and I don't think your posts are too long...they are shorter than mine. lol!

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPatty House

I don't get any fan mail.
That makes me sad.

Heh.

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

You're hilarious. Just saw your blog because of a friend. Enjoy your fan mail.

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMissy

I live for the day when someone sends ME an email. Even if it was some bible-thumping loony offering up prayers for my heathen soul.

I suppose I need to convince more than seven people to comment, first.

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

o please tell me you made that up?

if not, i bet that first woman is one of those nutters from westboro baptist church.

just sayin'.

January 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterrookiemom

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