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Desperate Measures

I'm not a patient person by nature. I've never bought into the whole 'patience is a virtue' crap idea. I hate waiting for anything. The page to load while surfing the net. The commercials to end while watching the telly. The slow cashier at the grocery store who needs to call for a price check on cheese while I have to pee. Waiting sucks for an impatient chick such as myself.

So it is no surprise the whole adoption process has been a trial for me. It's been one long lesson in learning patience right from the beginning. Waiting to hear if we are granted FINAL approval is starting to drive me batshit crazy.

There is still no word.

Might as well just beat me with a large wooden club and pluck my eyes out with a spoon. At this rate it would be much less painful.

No one has any idea why signing off on an application that was already recommended for approval is taking so long.

Me, I like to think it's the government's way of torturing me.

So while I wait and try desperately not to worry that they are changing their minds and going to deny us a kid, I'm going a little baby crazy. Seems like everyone is either pregnant or packing a kiddy around these days. Except me.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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Look! A size 5 diaper fits my dog baby!

Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog, EVER. is almost as good as a human baby. After all, he gets me up in the middle of the night as much as an infant would.

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So he's a little hairy and he drools. This could work.

Think of the money this would save me in tuition!

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There isn't enough kibble in the world to put up with this crap.

I wouldn't even need to buy any clothes for him. I could just use my daughter's doll clothes!

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That's it woman. Look for a small present in your slipper later tonight.

Never mind. He doesn't look that good in a dress and I couldn't get the little bugger into overalls. Who knew a lazy dog could run so fast while wearing a diaper?

I could always use the doll I got for my tenth birthday. I never did give her much love back then. Mostly because I had hoped to receive a red plether jacket like the one Michael Jackson rocked in his glory days. Instead, I found Esther when I ripped open my present.

Very disappointing. It's kinda hard to rock out to Thriller while packing a Cabbage Patch doll.

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That's right Esther. I promise to love you forever.

Esther is sporting a decidedly unpleasant smell. I can't decide if it's mold or mouse pee. Still, with a little wine, this could work.

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No. Not feeling it.

Scratch that idea. I never liked that doll. Something about the yellow yarn hair creeps me out. Can't have a baby that gives me the willies.

Still, my maternal instincts are on overdrive and I need to mother something. I tried catching my birds to cuddle with them, but the little fackers turned on me and tried to rip my fingers off. Ungrateful beasties. I NEED a child. I'm not picky. I'm not asking for a healthy baby. I don't care what the child looks like. After all, it has to be better looking than Nixon or Esther. I just need someone to love.

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Coochie coochie coo.

Preferably before I get too old to keep up with a child and my mind gets more twisted.

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Look! Isn't it precious?

That last picture probably isn't going to help speed up the adoption process, is it? What can I say? I'm desperate to be a mother again and I have way too much time on my hands. Time that could be well spent parenting a child in need.

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Look how well a baby fits in these arms.

Instead of wandering around the neighbourhood looking for babies to hog hold, or dogs to terrorize or bottles to caress, I could be somebody's new mommy.

But in the mean time until I hear from my friendly neighbourhood adoption office, I will just continue with my lesson in learning a little patience.

While trying to find a way to get Nixon to drink from a bottle and ride in a stroller.

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Reader Comments (68)

Oh, Darlin'-

You are the most perfect wonderful person to adopt a baby who needs such special love. Keeping my fingers & toes crossed and prayers sent!

Patience? Overrated.

I haz no spellcheckz, overrated has 2 r's right? ;)

Love to the RNM!

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlli ~Mrs. Fussypants

I can't believe they've just left you hanging. Ridiculous.

You need a baby. A baby needs you. Its a no-brainer, Adoption Peeps.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

I'm sorry, but my favourite part of this post is the look of (apparent) terror on the baby's face in the last image... sort of like "Wait, you're leaving me with HER?!?!"

But seriously, you're already approved, so just sit back and let the government machine chug along. Think of it like this: even if you use approved tax software and file online, they still take the same amount of time to process your tax return, right? So why should this process be any more efficient?

It will come.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSciDi Dad

That is one of the most hilarious posts I have seen!! I had a Cabbage patch Doll just like her, Annie Chandra. Why I remember that name so many years later I don't know. Before you know it you will a new baby!!

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

You will have a new baby is what I meant.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

You know it's just the usual manner in which bureaucrats slog through a process they've made way too complicated.

You were recommended. You'll get that final approval. They're just taking their sweet time in doing it. Which, if it's any comfort, is the norm, I'm sure.

As for those photos -- I have been laughing maniacally in my living room, thereby freaking out my own sweet dog.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterArkie Mama

You are so funny. My co-workers probably think I'm nuts because of the laughs echoing out of my office door. Love the Nixon in size 5 diaper photos.

Hope you hear from the Government Hacks soon.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason

Strange how the government works.....they'll hand out special privileges left and right but when a child who really needs the love and attention that you are so anxiously waiting to give, you wind up having to trudge through the system at a snails pace.

Don't worry, you will get approved. I just wish they'd hurry up. I'm getting anxious to see your new baby.

Sidenote : Do you know what age group your child will be in yet?

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSheila

well, and looky how cute you are

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRee

STILL no word? Jay-zus.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

This post made me giggle.

We have often talked about adoption if we ever felt the desire for a fourth child, but I don't know if I could handle the waiting.

Patience is a great virtue...and I don't have it. Good for you for putting a funny spin on it!

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAngella

If you need a babsitter for that fine bottle of Bailey's just give me a call, I'd be HAPPY to help out a mother in need.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAbsolutelyBananas

What is with those bureaucrats? Can't they see your open and willing arms? I've got all my fingers and toes crossed baby, crossed in hopes that little Bailey will turn into a real-live-little-baby (I'm also getting a little worried for Nixon, not too worried, just a little).

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper


This was hilarious chicklet, aside from the obvious bullshit of waiting.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

ha! poor Nixon! i used to dress my cats up in my Cabbage Patch clothes...two of our cats didn't have tails (from good ol' country inbreeding, we suspect!), so i could put pants on them and everything. oh, those poor bastards!

it always makes me angry when i think about all the people i know who can't have children (either from fertility problems, adoption red tape, etc) who would be wonderful parents, when i know so many people who should never have been allowed to have children in the first place.

i'm sending all kinds of good adoption-Final-Approval vibes your way.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercate

Oh I feel your pain. I desperately want another child. Like, baaaaaaad. But that will never happen and adoption is out (Boo my 9 yr old with Autism has a penchant for punching and CHEWING ON EVERYTHING) would probably eat another child anyway.

I have a bunny. A psychotic bunny. I wonder if I could squeeze some dolls clothes on her?

That final baby looks delicious to me ;)

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

How come you still look utterly gorgeous, even whilst pulling stoopid faces, huh? It's not normal!!

Re the hold-up - I don't how to help except to say - keep writing your frustrations, we'll keep listening. Hopefully it won't be long now.


January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJellyhead

WOW - I agree, this is ridiculous! I mean the waiting - the post is hilarious, and I am sure you will have no shortage of offers to watch your Bailey's baby {hic}.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterqt

Wow, would the hurry it up already! How frustrating this whole process has been for you. I hope they get it together for you soon....and I bet Nixon does too. That first picture of him in the diaper is awesome.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermel from freak parade

[...] to have a natural grace and quietude, while others of us thrash around like bees trapped in jars? Patience. WTF? Does it taste like chicken? Is it better salty or sweet? Thus far in my life, I’ve been [...]

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPatience. WTF?

At least your sense of humor is intact while they are torturing you - which I don't get either. There's got to be a baby in need, who needs sweet smoochy smooches from you.

Nixon is cute, but he doesn't need them all...

I hope the waiting ends soon; you're in my thoughts.

{And yowza, you're so purty.}

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

a baby fits almost as good as that bottle of booze. girl, now THAT'S mothering.

i can't believe you've not gotten a single word. bastards.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjen

i think a bottle of bailey's is the only baby i could handle at this time.

at least it won't vomit on me - wait, there just might be some vomitting involved....

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergorillabuns

I'm going to pretend I didn't just see this. Nope, nothing to see here.

*whistles and backs away slowly*

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Well for being "expectant," (in a way) you look pretty dang fine.

They also have doggie carriers too.

Doggie Bjorns, if you will.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

It's all going to work out for you. It IS. Dammit.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOh, The Joys

For the love of god, bureaucratic boy wonders, give this woman a baby before she loses her everlovin' mind!

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

OMG I'm still laughing about how fast that lazy dog can run wearing a diaper!

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBetteJo

Your Boston and my english would get along famously - and have a great old time comparing notes about how nasty dog clothes are.

I cannot entirely feel your pain, but as a fellow impatient person...crossing all crossable fingers that this goes fast.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermom101

It sounds as though they are trying to torture you. This makes Aunt Becky insanely mad. Would you like me to send them a can of Whup Ass? I WILL HAPPILY DO THIS FOR YOU.

(I am nearly as impatient as you are).

I think the bottle of Bailey's has your eyes.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Becky

Wait. Shit. You know you are nominated for the weblog awards, right? You may have mentioned this in a post, and I do try to read every word you write, but anyway, you must win. I am willing it.

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

pawhahahahahahahaha... poor nixon in that diaper!!!! classic i tell ya! good luck with the waiting process... maybe they're just checking to see if you don't get cold feet, which you aren't i know... good luck with the waiting...

January 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStef

One: I wish I was Nixon nuzzled in your rack.

Second, even if I were Nixon nuzzling your rack, please SHOT ME NOW, that is NO way to treat a dog. Mary sweet mother of Jesus that is SO wrong! Poor dog. In his next life, Nixon is coming back as a porcupine, then we will see who will get nuzzled!

Lastly: Your nucking futz. You have lost it girl.

The winter isnt half over and your officially bat chit, what are you going to be like in March?

LOL, keep up the entertainment, put I hope you pack your chute, you might need it.


January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLarryLilly

Now this is a dog I would love to be!


(I hope this works)

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLarryLilly

Batshit Crazy?? I've never heard that but I like it! lol!

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSister Sassy

I wondered what was going on, thought maybe you just weren't talking about it. Nothing moves slower than the government, yo.

And you? How freaking cute are you? Oh, to be young again.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicken

Unfortunately, I'm not surprised that you've been left hanging. Friends of mine who have also been approved for a special-needs adoption (in Nova Scotia) have been waiting for a child for, well, a long time.

Keep your chin up. Your day will come.

In the meantime, however, I'm thinking you should drink that Bailey's. You start putting clothes on a dog, that's edging into "winter has actually made you crazy" territory.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

I know how the adoption process goes. We got our son when he was 4 weeks old and we finalized the adoption when he was 1 and a half. We had to go to classes every week for 8 weeks to get "approved" to be an adoptive parent. We also had to have home inspections and all that crap too. I'll tell you what when you do get a call that they have a baby you will be so excited and running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Our son's birth mother was mentally retarded and this was her 5th child and all of the others had been adopted out. Even though they told us we were definately gonna be able to adopt him, we still had to go to visits with the birth mother every week. It was horrible but today I have a super smart ( he didn't take after his mother thank god) healthy 4 year old son. I couldn't ask for more. Just hang in there because soon you will get that call that will change your life.

I'll lend you mind! Yesterday, I was told he is belligerent, obstinate, and won't take correction or direction by his teacher. Really, it's no problem. I already have his father, and when you teach my child to be mindful, obedient, gracious and inquisitive you can give him back :)

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSouthern Goddess

I have a little boy I could send you. Sure I would miss him, but I can make the scarfice. And don't worry, I will Fed Ex him so you don't have to wait, too long.

Just remember no returns!!

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

Just in case you were wondering, he is the one currently rubbing his head on the carpet with a binky (pacifier) in his mouth. I would suggest locking up your dog, he has a facsination with dog butts. And don't ever ask where that finger has been.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

We had a Boston Terrier when I was a kid and somewhere my mom still has pictures of her in a doggie Santa Suit. I'm sure she hated us for that. That dog was not all that dog like compared to my other dogs. My oldest stepbrother used to say she was not really a dog, she was a "Boo from Booland." Not really sure what that was, but it seemed to fit. I still want another one someday.

And yeah, the adoption thing will try your patience. I have none either and somehow I made it through. Good luck.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAA

Poor Nixon. You do need a baby, and please put the Baileys back where it belongs and not in the baby blanket. Sending up prayers that they speed up the red tape from hell process and get you that approval now so all is well and your arms are blessed.
I steal...I mean babysit my nephews when I need baby snuggles, it helps.
Good luck, and this as usual was an awesome post. I have voted for you.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPenelope Anne

I can totally relate, because I am completely impatient too! I won't have children of my own - that's what I get for marrying a man 12 years older than me who doesn't want to 'start over' with a baby. So, I'm going to be praying for you and then, I'll live the dream through you (rude of me, huh? oh well)

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMisty Dawn

I bow down before you! I have threatened to carry Pas in a sling (when he was little he spent all but 2hrs a day lying on me) and I've threatened to put a bellyband on him (maxi pads for dogs? sign me up!). But I have yet to put an actual diaper on him. You win! lol :)

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterhoneywine

I hear ya. We moved to Edmonton last year (my hubby is Canadian) from the States & we have to wait for my residency to come through before we can even start the paperwork for adoption.

We did the whole process in the US once for a couple of foster kids we had that ended up going to their grandma. So I just look sooooo forward to the whole living in a bubble thing again.


Best of luck with yours & congrats on making it to finalist in the 2008 bloggies.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMeg H.

I think Bailey is a great name...a bit of foreshadowing perhaps? Me thinks so. Diaper dogs crack me up.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJoe

You have an extra-extra cute Boston ;)

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterClaudia

You can have mine. They're not very small any more (the oldest just hit 6'1" for god's sake) and apparently only I think they're special needs, but take them anyway.

Good luck at the Bloggies.

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterandrea

I feel ya on the no patience thing. I have NONE...
So this is my personal appeal to the adoption folks to hurry the hell up. The waiting is maddening.....

Although you are quite entertaining during the wait, T, thanks!

January 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

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