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A Big Wiener

Having the spousal unit work out of town and only make infrequent appearances on our doorstep has made for some interesting parental problems. I'm not really a single momma, yet I don't have the hands on, daily support of a live-in baby daddy.

Which means, I'm a single momma with a sugar daddy, legally obligated to stay at home, mind his nest, spend his money and not flirt with other boys.

There are no rules for flirting with other girls, however.

Hey, how YOU doing, Sandra and Jen? Why don't the two of you slide on over here and come talk to Big Red?

So many women, so little time.

I digress. I'm one of the lucky ladies out there. I've got a man who loves me, is gorgeous, a great provider, a wonderful father, and more importantly, leaves me to my own devices more times than not.

Life is gooooood.

The dark side to being a single parent 80 percent of the time, (besides having to take out the trash myself, police the children, and become best friends with my buddy, Mr. Rabbit) is I can not go anywhere without my children unless I dig deep into my pockets and shell out a small fortune into the hands of a shifty eyed teen I have to entrust my children to.

After all, a girl can only go begging for baby-sitting to her MIL so many times before rumours start to swirl.

Which means, where I go, they go.

Need a new bra? Let's go, kids. And Frac, try not to put the big ones on your head and chase your sister around the store. It's not cute.

Need feminine hygiene products? Come on, kidlets, momma needs some cotton. Don't ask, don't look and please don't talk loudly when we are checking out said items.

Ran out of Irish Cream for my coffee? Let's go to the liquor store babies! Momma needs her juice.

Now that my darlings are a bit older, things are slightly easier. I no longer lose them in the store aisles, I don't have to worry about potty breaks and they generally do what they are told.

(All right. I bribe them. But still. They respond to it.)

Of course, there are hazards. Like last Friday, when we headed off into the great big city to stock up on food supplies.

After refereeing a fight over who gets to push the grocery cart, everything went fairly smooth. We were laughing, co-operating and having a good time in the midst of the big box grocery chain. I preened with pride, feeling like I was Mommy of the Year, setting an example for all the other harried parents in the store.

Watch me and learn, earthlings. Bwhahahaha!

Soon our cart was piled high with food stuff and Fric and Frac struggled to steer the behemoth cart down the aisles. No problem. Mommy to the rescue. Except every time I tried to push the cart, the damn thing would squeal loudly and draw the attention of all the non-squealing, perfect, cart-pushing shoppers around us.

Which made us laugh harder. Because it only squealed when I touched the darned thing. Which I had to do to turn the cart or manoeuver it around a sea of aisle hogging shoppers.

My kids thought this was hysterical. Which lead to silliness and bad behaviour. Suddenly I was no longer the momma with the perfect kiddies but that Redneck who came to town, scratched her ass in public and let her children run loose like monkeys.

I was rapidly losing my ability to contain the situation and made a command decision to get the hell out of Dodge. Scanning my list to see what items I could forget about, and which items I absolutely needed, I decided the only thing I couldn't live without was wieners.

Story of my life, really.

The meat section was on the other side of the store. Of course, why wouldn't it be? As my son started to imitate a bad circus juggler near the apple section, I debated on leaving them in the produce department and running by myself to get the meat.

Bad idea, I thought to myself as other shoppers were sending us their bad mojo complete with evil eyes. Corralling the kiddies and pushing our monster cart towards the other side of the store, Fric and Frac giggled loudly as the cart screamed to anyone who would listen what a pack of hillbillies the three of us were.

Finally in the meat section, Fric, my always helpful daughter, grabbed the closest pack of hotdogs to her. As she tossed it into the cart with a triumphant look, I snatched it out and tossed it back into the case.

"Honey, if I'm going to eat chicken lips and assholes for a week, I want them to be good," I proudly proclaim as I peruse the selection before me. Every shape, size and type of tubed meat lay before me, like wiener heaven.

"Mom, a hotdog is a hotdog. They're all disgusting until you put ketchup on them."

"No, sweety. You don't understand. You're mother is very particular about the wieners she puts in her mouth. I want them big and juicy."

Yes, I said it. To my ten year old child. Not realizing the double entendre I was stating. However, the matronly woman standing beside me certainly was and gasped in horror at what I had just said. Trying not to make eye contact with her death glare, I continued to focus on the wieners as though my life depended on it.

Except that was difficult to do, with the two men who stood on my other side and had also heard what I had said.

They wiggled their eyebrows at me to suggest that perhaps I might like their wiener selection.

Realizing how badly this situation could go, and that I was screwed if I turned left or right, I told the kids to back up the cart and head west...we didn't need no stinking hotdogs.

However, I snagged a package of big wieners on my way out, while staring at the floor. A girl has to feed her family, you know.

As we were loading up the car with our loot, I blushed with shame as I thought about the scene in the meat department.

"Next time I go shopping, I'm leaving the two of you locked in the closet at home," I said as I dove to save the eggs my son had almost dropped.

"But why Mom? We had so much fun?" They looked at me, all big blue eyed and innocent.

Devil spawn, I thought.

"It's just easier with out you sometimes, darlin."

"But mom, everybody knows that kids are the greatest thing in the world. And we can always help you pick out a great wiener."

Just what every mother wants to hear. I'm the luckiest mom in the world.
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Reader Comments (43)

Oh. My. God.

Cannot breathe. The funny!

Love ya, Big Red.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

ah, you write about my life! I have 3 little anklebiters, and because my hubby works out of state Monday-Thursdays, I double as a single mama most of the time.

I'm glad you can find pleasure taking the kiddies to the store - I, too, try to amuse them with my craziness.

And I'm so glad that you found a good weiner. Over these parts, it's all done with mirrors.

Great post!

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaLee

OMG. So hilarious, T. You are so effing hilarious.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

oh, baby...if ONLY i lived closer. if only, if only, if only.

i'd be all over you (whoops, THIS) in a hot minute.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjen

Good grief! I wish my grocery shopping trips were that entertaining.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterandi

Could you kids help me pick out a great (spare) weiner, too? Cuz I'm in the market, and WB only likes the plushy kind.

Or, you know, maybe you could comes to TO and teach me your wiener-picking tricks, like, first-hand?

(batting eyelashes furiously)

(that was a come-on)

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

I would have been the woman standing next to you at the supermarket laughing her ass off.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

Oh My! What are you going to do when Fric announces SHE likes her weiners big & juicy?!?!?!

I'd be the one laughing too...bent over and LMAO.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMs. Crafty Wanna-Be

ROFLMAO! OK, time for me to quit being a lurker at your site. You are too funny girl!

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSan

If only all weiners tasted as good with ketchup.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

I just snarfed my diet coke.

But really, if anyone is going to teach them how to select the plumpest and juiciest of wieners, shouldn't it be their mother?

Responsible parenting is very important.


August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Oh lord... I was laughing out loud at this one!! It's really a good thing your daughter didn't get the joke or you would never live it down!! lol

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Oh my friggin GOD, RM! Baaahaaaaaaaa!

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerMama

I swear to God woman, you must make this stuff up!!

That was truly laugh out loud funny!!

On an unrelated note.... I am telling everyone in the blogosphere because I just can't stand not telling ANYONE..... I am expecting #3 Woooooo hooooo !!

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenifer



my god, my belly aches just reading that.

We really should go shopping together. But I don't think the other grocery-goers could handle it.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercarrie

You are totally dashing my hopes of easier and better times at the errand run. I guess they still aggravate you, but the conversation just gets more interesting. Although, I get eyes when I turn to my 18 month old and tell him to suck it up that fall didnt hurt that bad. Mommy needs to get her snacky cakes.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

They wiggled their eyebrows at me to suggest that perhaps I might like their wiener selection.

Nothing more romantic and making the moves in front of the Wiener case.

Oh, by the way,

http://notanotherbutton.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">You've Been NAB'd for doing nothing!

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEmmaSometimes

Lets just hope they don't chose to share that with their friends.

Can you imagine ? "My mom likes the biggest juiciest wieners the best."

There goes that Mommy of the year award ;)

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

My husband does the travel thing too. The kids get to go all kinds of crazy places - kinda have to.

Nothing wrong with having some wiener standards, by the way.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

I want what she's having.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMom101

That's awesome, dude. Way to represent at the grocers.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

All weiners taste more or less the same. It's the aftertaste that varies, ya know?

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

Mrs. Joe is pretty particular about her wieners, also. Not so much the big and juicy part(lucky for me) but she needs hers to handle all the heat of her kitchen and not split too soon.

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

I'm saying this with all the love possible -- I cannot stop laughing!

August 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteramaras_mom

All I can say is - I hope those hotdogs were worth it!

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjellyhead

Yes, but what I want to know is how you feel about the buns they go into. Har.

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Not ALL wieners are gross without ketchup. (But that's between us okay?)

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

Hey! My husband works right here in town and I always have to drag all three kids around with me to do errands. Hmmph.

I will take them along to buy feminine products, bras and panties, whatever. But we *never* buy hotdogs together: too sexy.

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

That is the funniest grocery store tale I've heard yet!

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDana

Maybe in your neck of the woods, they'll start a grocery delivery service. Of course, in your case, they'll have to deliver the wieners in an unmarked brown paper bag...

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterL.A. Daddy

That is the funniest thing I have ever read! I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago and this is by far your best post yet :) I have never laughed SO hard!! Weiners - who knew??

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlicia

My grandmother always calls hotdogs weiners. A little old 85 year old lady talking about going to Sam's Club to get herself a big weiner always cracks me up!

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterErin

Girl, your a mind reader... I needed a good laugh at another mothers exploits today. Boy did I.

To bad you didn't have cucumbers sitting on top of your grocery pile when the weiner conversation came up.. that would have been the icing on the cake. ;)

August 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Weiners on the brain much?


August 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTiger Lamb Girl

make that wIEners. ugh.

August 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTiger Lamb Girl

I would have made the same weiner remark, only not realized what I said until way later. I would just wonder why the men were looking at me funny. :-)

August 8, 2007 | Unregistered Commenternomotherearth

See, this is one of the reasons I love Utah. Because people here are so naive they wouldn't have even gotten the play on words. Seriously. I had a friend who laughed until he cried because the innocent blonde at the car rental counter asked him 4 times if he was SURE he didn't "want a hummer."


August 8, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterstefanierj

You are worse than my two-year old ;)

August 8, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

Hey, we've never met but I followed a link here and now I'm laughing my ass off. Thanks for making my night.

August 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlley Cat

LOL! Once when the kids were all little and were getting restless in the grocery store, I decided to bribe them with ice cream. "Which kind do you want," I shouted loudly in order to be heard over all their chatter, "cookies and cream or chocolate penis butter crunch?" Everything went dead silent after that as I grabbed the closest carton and skulked toward the checkout, the eyes of the horrified shoppers burning holes in the back of my head.

August 10, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenni in KS

The ability to pick out a good wiener is highly underrated. A girl can ruin her life by not choosing the right wiener.

August 11, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

So I go on vacation where I can't access blogs and you FLIRT with me while I am away.


You don't have to ask me twice. C'mon over girl.

August 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSandra

hehhe its really so funny..cant breath..

i love yahhh red!

April 21, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjack rabbit vibrator

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