about Attack of the Redneck Mommy
Looking for something specific? SEARCH RNM.  
back to Tanis Miller

Big Dreams

As a young girl growing up in the city, waiting for my fairy prince to rescue me and biding my time until I was rich and famous, I never once thought my life would turn out the way it did.

If you had told me, as the geeky, basketball playing - track and field running - staight A student that I was, that I would be slinging popcorn in a movie theatre, knocked up, unwed and poor by the time I was twenty, I would have laughed my ass off.

And then ran screaming into my bedroom, only to emerge for final exams and potty breaks.

I dreamt of becoming a doctor, specifically a neurosurgeon, and no boy, especially the big lipped, bad haired blonde from the sticks who followed me around and left carnival teddies that he won (while on dates with OTHER girls) on my front stoop to remind me of his existience, was going to deter me from that dream.

And then I hit puberty. And suddenly those big lips were very useful for things other than annoying me. Especially when strategically placed.


Sure we lived on ketchup chips, chocolate milk and popcorn for the first years we were married. Yes we argued over what type of music to listen to while rocking our rapidly expanding family to sleep. I was of the mindset that rock music was not for sleeping infants. He was of the mindset that he would shoot himself if he had to listen to the twang of a country guitar.

My dreams of becoming a peace-prize winning doctor slowly dissipated with the squealing laughter of small children and have been replaced with loftier goals. Keeping my daughter off of the stripper pole and out of the back seat that I was so fond of, while steering my son away from street racing, and prison cells.

My hubs and I struggled through school, to try to make something of ourselves and to support our family. He's had better success. His ticket actually earns money. The only thing I do with mine is talk dirty on the ole inter web.

It no longer matters to me how much money I make or how famous I will never be, as long as I never have to eat movie theatre popcorn again and my children grow up to be well-adjusted, happy adults.

Of course, I still worry what I look like, if that extra roll of lard around my middle will ever disappear, will my hairy toes be noticeable in my slippers and if Mrs. Chicky will be freaked out by my extremely pointed Spock ear. But I'm vain like that.

These days, the only things that matter to me is the fact that I have finally trained my husband not to touch the knobs on my stereo, my children are healthy, my gardens are blooming from the veritable green thumb I inherited from my granddaddy, and my husband still pesters me for sex every damn day he sees me.

Now, as I watch my children grow, I try to pass along my wisdom and my skills. I want them to be able to see the good in people, value hard work, identify clarkia and monkshood from stinging nestle and poison ivy, and be able to kick ass in a three-legged race. Of course, if they inherit my skill on the unicycle or adroitness on a pair of ten foot tall stilts, well, that's just gravy.

I am a woman of many talents after all.

Life is good. Even if it isn't the candy-coated dreams of a naive little girl.

These dreams are better.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Like their momma, they love a little nudity.

***Hop on over and go check out Racy Red. She's all about dressing it up this week.***

« Crazy B!tch | Main | Expansion »

Reader Comments (30)

Aha! I am the first to comment. Your posts make me wish that you lived in my neighborhood so that I could get to know you better. I think we'd be good friends.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlly

Oh man, if there's one thing I love doing, it's skinny dipping.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

I love skinny dipping too.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermetro mama

Your kids are going to kill you one day for this, but at least it will be done with a smile. Which, I'm assuming, they will have also inherited from you.

I'm counting the hours until you and I finally meet, my friend. Chicago will never be the same.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

My God am I ever glad you're not my mom!!

Skinny dipping is AWESOME!

That's got to be the BEST bribery picture - EVAH!

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commentersam

Best pic! They will have your head one day, but I have a feeling you'll be ready with something even better!!

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey

Does this mean you're leading a double life as Racy Red or Hot Mama or whoever the heck is over there on the Toronto Mommy Blog site? Or is that just some gratuitous linking going on?

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenni in KS

Can totally relate to this. Didn't get pregnant/married young but this is not exactly where I pictured I'd be but I'm OK with that. I'm at a good place.

Keep up the good work on Hot 'n Bothered! Loving it! ;-)

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJackie

I love your Racy Red posts!

I found myself in much the same predicament as you. Except I was working in an antique store instead of a movie concession stand. And it was the preacher's son who knocked me up.

I've found I couldn't have ever imagined my life turning out like this when I was younger but now I can't imagine anything better.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Hi! New to your blog - don't know why I've never read it before, but I'm sure I'll be back.

I, too, am not where I thought I would be, and am still trying to find out where that is. In the meantime, life is pretty good, no?

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenternomotherearth

I love skinny dipping. I can understand the appeal.

Hope to finally meet you at BlogHer after shamelessly lurking on your blog for all this time!

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerMama

let's all skinny dip together in chicago.

see you soon, woman.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjen

I hate movie theatre popcorn. Hate it.
I do love the picture of your little darlings though. So sweet. But yeah, I agree with everyone else....

Great blackmail photo.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkimmyk

Oh, darlin', they are SO going to kill you for that one day.

See you in a couple of days.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFishyGirl

Your kids are gonna kill you for posting that someday!!

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenifer

I wish I was going to the BlogHer conference, I feel so left out.

Anyway, your children will murder you for that picture. Probably sooner rather than later. Better train Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog, Ever, to attack on command.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

Oh, man. You just totally gave Fric and Frac up, didn't you!

You are so, so bad.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

donctcha just love their little butts!

The joy of being naked and jumping into a pool.
A dim memory for me.

It sounds like your dreams sort of came true after all!

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

Skinny dipping rocks and should be mandatory at least once a summer - no matter the age.
I think your new dreams are far better than your old ones, but I'm in the same boat so I may be partial.

July 24, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJosie

Fric and Frac are so gonna cringe when (if?) they see you've posted their nakkid butts on the 'inter web'.


July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTiger Lamb Girl

Poor kids, they'll never live down their asses on the internet... is that a handprint on your son's asscheek?

I am glad life has worked out well for you. Suprises you sometimes when you realize how well.. it does me. :)

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbubblewench

No you didn't!!!!!!

Well, at least you've earned enough cool mom points via school field trips and the like to bank against this fallout ;)

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBinky

i have never been skinny dipping.
i was a DEPRIVED child.

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterali

skinny dipping as a child in new hampshire lakes during the summer is what allows me to look back on my childhood as at least a somewhat happy one :)

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdevin

Do your kids know you snapped that pic ? It should be good for some blackmail down the road.


July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

Reding through the comments, it struck me, don't Fric and Fracs friends read this? Dey's gonna kill you lady...

But aren't they just pinchable?

*snort* Up until I saw the 2 lines on the stick at the tender age of 16 I swore off kids forever... now I have 5... and lovin em, most of the time. And poke Boo for me, there's nothing wrong with a bit of twang.

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Speaking of nudity, looks like you are safe with your "hot mommy blogger" contest dare.

Too bad, we could've seen pics of you jumping in the pool.

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

Parenting blackmail has reached a new high. I love it!

As for your young woman dreams, I'd still say you've come a long way baby!

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercarrie

If I show my ass at Blogher will you promise not to post a picture of it on the internet?

July 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercanape

The picture is adorable, but I love the fact that they are holding hands, readying themselves to jump together. Great moment to capture!

July 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>