Life's Two-By-Four Wielded by My Daughter

There are some things in life I am unprepared to handle at any given time. A few of those things include (but aren't limited to) shit-smeared walls, drunken vomiting women (myself included), big ass black beetles that fly (I DON'T CARE if they won't harm you, they are fucking scary), and drunk drivers who think the law doesn't apply to them.

I'm pretty cool with never having to deal with any of the above, ever, in my lifetime.

I found one more thing to add to that growing list.

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Yesterday evening, while I was minding my own business and busy pulling weeds out of my flower garden so that the exterior of my home will reflect my hardwork and dedication to my family (because the interior is sorely neglected and could never be mistaken for an unemployed mother who has nothing better to do that clean) my daughter came up to me and hit me upside with a two-by-four.

Not a real one, a proverbial one.

"Mom, when am I going to get my period?"

WHAT? Can't a woman bury her head in the dirt and ignore the maturing needs of her ten year old daughter???

"You're ten. You don't have to worry about it for years if you take after your puberty-challenged mother. I'm still waiting for my voice to change." Pretty clever, I think, silently patting myself on the back, while trying not to smirk.

"That's not funny Mom. And only boys voices change. And Jenny already has her period and she's younger than me. She said that the CHANGE is going to happen anytime now."

"Well, the only CHANGE that is going to happen to you anytime soon is the one where you change out of your clothes and into your pajamas. Don't worry about it and go get me some bug spray."

Diversions. See what I did there, people?

However, Fric is a lot like me. Smart. She knew what I was doing, only to return with my bug spray and another round of pre-pubescent parental torture.

"Are my boobs going to start growing soon? Because most of the girls in my class (grade five I might add) are already wearing bras. And will they be bigger than yours? Cause Alana already has ginormous boobs. Does your period start before or after your boobs grow? Will you buy me tampons or pads? Does that mean I am old enough to have a baby?"

That got my attention. So much for trying to ignore her and hope she'll go away. Dammit.

"Back the train up there Fric. A.)There is nothing wrong with the size of my boobs. You'll get what you get and if you don't like it you can buy bigger ones when you're older. B.) Alana has ginormous boobs now, but by the time she's 20 they'll sag to her knees and whose boobs will be cuter then? Mine or hers? C.)Enough with the damn period talk, don't they teach you anything in school these days? D.) Under no circumstances, EVER, are you to think you are old enough to have a baby. I don't care if all the other girls start giggling and imagining how cute and wonderful it will be to be a mommy. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT BABIES. EVER."

I'm kinda hyperventilating now, and beads of sweat are starting to pop up on my forehead.

"Chill Mom. I only said that cuz you weren't listening. I just wanted to know about my period."

By now, Frac has wandered over to see what is causing his mother to go into apoplectic fits.

"Period, what's a period?" he asks.

Like it wasn't bad enough having to deal with my ten year old daughter about the subject, but to have to explain it to my nine year old son? Shoot me now.

"Frac, ask your sister. She'll tell you. Fric, educate your little brother on the ways of womanhood. I think I hear the phone ringing. I'll be right back."

And that is when I ran like the chickenshit I am made my mad dash to the house and locked myself into the pantry with a bottle of red. Hoping if I was really quiet they wouldn't figure out where I was hiding.

I'm am so unprepared for this stage of parenting. I'll take toilet training any day over this.