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Life's Two-By-Four Wielded by My Daughter

There are some things in life I am unprepared to handle at any given time. A few of those things include (but aren't limited to) shit-smeared walls, drunken vomiting women (myself included), big ass black beetles that fly (I DON'T CARE if they won't harm you, they are fucking scary), and drunk drivers who think the law doesn't apply to them.

I'm pretty cool with never having to deal with any of the above, ever, in my lifetime.

I found one more thing to add to that growing list.

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Yesterday evening, while I was minding my own business and busy pulling weeds out of my flower garden so that the exterior of my home will reflect my hardwork and dedication to my family (because the interior is sorely neglected and could never be mistaken for an unemployed mother who has nothing better to do that clean) my daughter came up to me and hit me upside with a two-by-four.

Not a real one, a proverbial one.

"Mom, when am I going to get my period?"

WHAT? Can't a woman bury her head in the dirt and ignore the maturing needs of her ten year old daughter???

"You're ten. You don't have to worry about it for years if you take after your puberty-challenged mother. I'm still waiting for my voice to change." Pretty clever, I think, silently patting myself on the back, while trying not to smirk.

"That's not funny Mom. And only boys voices change. And Jenny already has her period and she's younger than me. She said that the CHANGE is going to happen anytime now."

"Well, the only CHANGE that is going to happen to you anytime soon is the one where you change out of your clothes and into your pajamas. Don't worry about it and go get me some bug spray."

Diversions. See what I did there, people?

However, Fric is a lot like me. Smart. She knew what I was doing, only to return with my bug spray and another round of pre-pubescent parental torture.

"Are my boobs going to start growing soon? Because most of the girls in my class (grade five I might add) are already wearing bras. And will they be bigger than yours? Cause Alana already has ginormous boobs. Does your period start before or after your boobs grow? Will you buy me tampons or pads? Does that mean I am old enough to have a baby?"

That got my attention. So much for trying to ignore her and hope she'll go away. Dammit.

"Back the train up there Fric. A.)There is nothing wrong with the size of my boobs. You'll get what you get and if you don't like it you can buy bigger ones when you're older. B.) Alana has ginormous boobs now, but by the time she's 20 they'll sag to her knees and whose boobs will be cuter then? Mine or hers? C.)Enough with the damn period talk, don't they teach you anything in school these days? D.) Under no circumstances, EVER, are you to think you are old enough to have a baby. I don't care if all the other girls start giggling and imagining how cute and wonderful it will be to be a mommy. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT BABIES. EVER."

I'm kinda hyperventilating now, and beads of sweat are starting to pop up on my forehead.

"Chill Mom. I only said that cuz you weren't listening. I just wanted to know about my period."

By now, Frac has wandered over to see what is causing his mother to go into apoplectic fits.

"Period, what's a period?" he asks.

Like it wasn't bad enough having to deal with my ten year old daughter about the subject, but to have to explain it to my nine year old son? Shoot me now.

"Frac, ask your sister. She'll tell you. Fric, educate your little brother on the ways of womanhood. I think I hear the phone ringing. I'll be right back."

And that is when I ran like the chickenshit I am made my mad dash to the house and locked myself into the pantry with a bottle of red. Hoping if I was really quiet they wouldn't figure out where I was hiding.

I'm am so unprepared for this stage of parenting. I'll take toilet training any day over this.

« Pass the Puns, Please | Main | I Can't Be Right All The Time »

Reader Comments (46)

Yep. Fun, isn't it?
I swear daughter's will be arriving any day now. You know what she did on the weekend? Walked over to the store to buy chef boyardee ravioli. Ick. She hasn't eaten that crap since she was around five.
She said she had a 'craving'.
We're in for it.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

I got my first period at 8. Yeah, let's say that my mother was NOT ready for that.

And my girls are 4 and almost 3. I have a few years until I have to deal with the RAGING hormones. Heaven help us all!

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaLee

I think that was the same age when Morgyn started asking questions. Then she phoned her friend and said "did you ask your Mom too?". I guess they must have been comparing notes. Ah well 1 down 2 more to go FUN FUN FUN!

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjacquie

I hide in the potty too.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermetro mama

Considering it was a sneak attack, you handled it quite well.

Like we are prepared for ANY stage of parenting.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

OMG, does this mean my eight year old is soon to follow?

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHope4Grace

Lolly started hers just before her 12th birthday and now has the body of a supermodel, men stare, sigh, they used to stare at me, they just jump back in suprise when I growl and whisper "Back off, she's 12" !

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjenny

I'd kinda rather explain periods to a daughter than explain erections, etc. to a son, the latter of which I've had to do to some degree. Oh, but hey, you get to do both! *evil grin*

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

Oh, dear. Giggling. Reason 5,234 I'm glad I don't have a girl.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

My daughter was the one with the GINORMOUS (love that word) boobs, which appeared at age 9. She had her first period at 10 (She and I blame hormone-laced chicken.) Then it quit. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. For three years. Three years. Three years of preteen PMS.
She's now 15, and getting used to the idea that if a male can look her in the eye, he's probably gay.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMark R

Heh...I remember those days. Only I was explaining female biology to my son, who thought he knew ALL ABOUT SEX when he was 12, but had no idea why those girls in school were going apeshit crazy for a week or so every month. This was followed by the Proper Use Of A Condom and the admonition that if he had sex before he was in a committed relationship--and I considered the in-school teen years too young for committed--I would tie IT in a knot and coat it with superglue...

Damn, I miss being able to terrorize him like that... ;)

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterThumper

Well, on a positive note, it's good that she comes to you with those questions. I would've sooner run away to a nunnery than utter the word "period" to my mother.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBinky

Oy, thank God Trout's only 7. I got a couple more years yet.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFishyGirl

I wouldn't be sticking your head TOO far in the sand just yet. I started at 11, my own mother was 14 before she started, so the ages aren't always as close as you think.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSuburban Oblivion

I feel your pain girl, this is a tough ten years you're entering... imagine my horror when I found the photo of my nineteen year old posing with the dildo spring'in out of his pants... and thought it was real.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjasmine

So its not so much the talking about periods that disturbed me it was more the fact that my 14 year old step-daughter turns in to satan when she PMS's.

Heaven forbid you and Fric have your periods at the same time.

Aah, the things you have to look forward too.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

I am so there. Actually, I have a 12 year old and I just know it's going to happen any day. We've had "the talk" but dealing with it is going to be a whole different box of tampons.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMommaK

I've been reading your site a couple of nonths now, but I thought as a fellow mother it was my duty to delurk. It CAN get worse, and I hope for your mental wellbeing and your eyesight and your ability to sleep at night that "worse" can be avoided, although I have no clue how to stop the "worst" from happening.

So, for now focus on the fact that when my oldest was pubertying, she decided to show me that she had "hair". I'm calmly putting a diaper on the baby and telling my oldest "that's nice, but you've had hair since you were two." I then turn around to see her you know what (what on earth do you call your own daughter's va jajay) RIGHT in my face. Oh good grief, I'm scarred for life. Does that help make the "period" part of your story better?

And then at a family reunion about a month ago she ran out of pads. I didn't have any, but her aunts had tampons, no one had any pads (we asked them all). I tried to get my oldest daughter to just read the instructions and do it herself, but she insisted I come with her and talk her through the steps. I was traumatized! (and very, very afraid imagine if I receive instruction calls on her wedding night?!?!

On the one hand I'm very grateful that she still wants information and advice from me (which is rare at 15). On the other head: oh my eyes and my brain!!!!!! They hurt even with the remembrance.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSimply Jenn

I am not jealous at all...

Apparently my huz took the son on the riding lawnmower this weekend. Ever since he has thrown a kicking screaming fit because he wants to.....drive. At 2. He will try to climb the molding on my car door to get in the window to drive. If he actually makes it into the seat he asks for keys. I have to pry him out of the car. Actually unwrap his tiny fingers from around the steering wheel. And I thought this fight wouldn't start for another 14 years at least. WTF?! Totally unprepared for this terrible two stuff.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLori

My nine-year old started wearing a bra this year - not because she really needed to but because she wanted to. I think I'm a little bit weird because I can't wait for my daughter to be ready to read "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret".

Talking to my daughter about puberty is easy compared to discussing wet dreams with my son. This morning he got up early and immediately took a bath. I acted all cool and calm when I asked if he needed clean sheets, while inside my head I was screaming, "PLEASE GOD SAY 'NO'!" Turns out he had a stomach ache and no, the sheets are fine. WHEW.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercoolbeans

I have at home: 13 year old stepson, 15 year old stepdaughter, 17 year old stepson and my spovely louse (my lovely spouse). We are "not" your usual family, and talk about periods might even crop up at the dinner table! HAH!


May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJan

Yet another reason why I'm going to lock Chicky in a closet on her third birthday and not let her out until she's 30.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Abbie came to me when she was in the 4th grade after reading a book called "The Care and Keeping of Me". It's a book every mother should buy for their daughters. Anyways, she came to me one night and placed her hand on my shoulder and said "Mom, we need to talk about supplies". To which I thought she was talking about school supplies. Um...no.

When I figured out what she was talking about I did what you did-I told her to get a bath and get ready for bed. It was late.

Like what are you suppose to say??? I mean there should be warning signs or something before they throw that out there. But kids are right-they're starting earlier and earlier every generation. Abbie just started last year at 13, but her friends all started in the 4th or 5th grade. Tooooo early!!

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkimmyk

Hopefully I will luck out considering I have boys. Any questions they have will be diverted by "Ask your father."

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMaddMomma

Redneck Mommy I love your site you are an insperation with your strenght and love for your children.

Back to the topic, I was a very shy kid I got my period at 12 after months of my mum asking me in the supermarket if I wanted her to buy me pads ! So embarrising when you 12, when I got it she told ALL of her friends...Actually took me around to peoples places so they could celebrate my becoming a woman (Shudder) I could have killed her. When she asked how I was going with tampons I should have lied cause she offered to demonstrate...I declined. Ahhh the joys of growing up with Hippies...I now have a son, I hope he is easier

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelbourne Mama

It's not that big of a deal if you don't make it one.

My daughter kinda freaked me out when she came in one day (she was 11) and told me MATTER OF FACTLY that she needed a pad because she had just started her period for the first time and could I hurry up please. I was all - omg, are you okay? Are you feeling any cramps? She was all I'm fine - now can you just show me the pads so I can go back outside and play!?

Kids just don't worry about this stuff unless we fuel them with our own anxiety.

I bit my lip hard when, a year later, she came home for a visit from boarding school and asked me, "What's a blowjob?" I bit my lip hard because I knew if I got all flustered she'd get all uncomfortable and think it was something horrendous. And I just didn't want to impose anything unfair on her - but I also didn't want her to get the information from an unreliable source - so I approached it matter of factly even if I was kinda dying inside. I calmly explained what it was. She patiently listened and then rolled her eyes, saying, "That's gross and stupid. Can I have a snack and some carrots for the horses?"

These are some fun days ahead. Really try to cherish them because once she hits about 12 or 13, she won't talk as openly or as often to you about these things. Seriously - cement that part of your relationship now. (My daughter is fifteen and rushes home to tell me ALL things that make me ears bleed, but I listen quietly and it's a wonder I have any tongue left from biting it so hard.)

It's good to keep them talking; keep the lines of communication open.;) Have fun!

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTiger Lamb Girl

oh wow. i MUCH prefer this stage to potty training. i sucked at that. stress city. periods? no problem. you will get your period about the time you reach 90 pounds. lorelei was 11 years old and 85 when she got hers, but she was prepared because she knew the 90 pound rule.

the best part? the very first time that she called DAD to go get her tampons from the store. (swim team) i got to see his face. :D

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

Julia asks me all the time when her boobies will grow. When they'll get bigger. When she'll wake up with boobies. And as I'm stammering to answer her, she asks me why sometimes when I go to the bathroom, my pee is red.


May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

*snort* sorry.....

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterflutter

i think perhaps a nice, well-appointed attic in which she could spend her teenage years?

nah...you'd have to get a separate one for her brother, too.

just lock youself up there with the red and the computer.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbon

I just came across your blog while doing a google search for the wine labelled "Mommy's Time Out" (seriously, there is a wine called this!) and up you popped! Your daughter sounds hilarious and I am very glad I have a son instead!

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMolly

Shiiiiiiit. AFter the mess I've made of potty training, I can't imagine what I'm going to do with wet dreams. I have two boys.
Somehow, I don't think I've dodged any bullets.

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

We're potty training ONE a little bit right now. I'll take that any day over what I just read. Let's just say when my girls start to talk about that shit, I'm outta there.

I like your bottle in the pantry move...I'll probably bring a six-pack into the shitter with some food and magazines--make a nice little afternoon of it.


May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMitch McDad

My daughter got her period at 10!! Dammit!! I was not ready and she has her medical issues, so I just hoped I'd get some sort of break on the whole period-issue...but NO!!! DAMMIT!!! So, I definately prescribe the book "The Care and Keeping of Me" and a bottle or red, or clear (vodka) even!

May 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLora

I have three girls:
a 14 year old so been there done that who just came home and told me all about what goes on at the movies while I hyperventalated,
a 10 year old so about to go there all over again, and almost 2 and potty training as we speak(Type?)who I am sure will cause the final heartattack as a preteen cause by then I will simply be too old for this sh*t. F*ck if I can catch a break. I swear if I could be sure it would be a boy I would visit a new one on Hubby just to watch him squirm when his turn came.

June 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

I'm so not ready for this. And I thought the toddler years were hard. I had no clue.

June 1, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslackermommy

Great blog!! I will be back for more


June 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMikeM

i had a friend once who found an old toilet and decorated it with xmas lights to commemorate her daughter's first period.

i can't totally see you doing that. or not.

June 1, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjen

oh gawd

I am so on the cusp of all of this.

I feel chicken shit....

June 1, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

Got a 14yo who is blossoming, and a 13yo hot on her heels. Yikes.

And I was totally feeling the post about little soccer girls developing racks last week at the dance recital. All those little pubescent girls stuffed into lycra that didn't leave much to the imagination. They are growing up in front of our eyes, and we won't miss a bit of it in some of those costumes!

June 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGette

Oui, Boom is only 7, and your giving me nightmares of whats to come. She's already eyeing the bra department of stores, and mine in the dresser asking why some have wires and some don't yadda yadda. Between you and Clutch I shall never sleep again.

June 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Glad I Stopped by today ... I was worried about the diapers!

June 2, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMBKimmy

I'll join you on that bus (the "I'm not ready for this stage of parenting" bus). McRae asked me what genital herpes were the other day after he heard it on a commercial. I pretended I didn't hear him.

So, share that bottle of red?

June 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercarrie


June 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlisalou

I'm not ready for this, and I'm not that far away. When the time comes, I'll stick my fingers firmly in my ears and make it go away.

June 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRuth Dynamite

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