Pass the Puns, Please

A few questions I wouldn't mind receiving answers to on this fine Sunday morning:

Why, dammit, must my dog insist on sleeping with his ass in my nose every damn night?

And why, dammit, am I too stupid not to remember this as I give him his rawhide treat which gives him terrible gas?

Why does taking your children to an amusement park empty out your wallet faster than a tire deflating after running over a nail? (Which, yes I did this week too.)

Why, when flying through the air in a completely unsafe ride that you loved as a teenager, only makes you feel nauseous and worried about the safety of your children, who are also flying through the air with you?

Why, instead of capturing the glory of my fleeting youth at said amusement park I walked away aged, half crippled, broke, dizzy, exhausted and decidedly unyouthful?

And perhaps the biggest question of the day, why, when I see a tattoo parlor must I make an appointment to get inked again, knowing full well my darling husband is going to FUCKING kill me when he finds out?

Chew on these fine questions, dear internet, while you enjoy the cheese I present to you.

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the the zoo keeper finds two finches that have dropped dead from old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not" he says as he puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals in the sack, into the lions' cage.

"Bloody hell" roars the lion..."Not finch and chimps again!"