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The Skinny

This adoption process is sucking the life right out of me. It's driving me to drink. Oh wait, the dog's farting causes me to drink. Never mind. My point is, this is fucking emotionally draining, and being the moron I am, I didn't expect this process to be so difficult.

The government employee who holds the fate of the free world in her hand or at least who is directly responsible for my future family size and how expensive my grocery bill will become turned out to be exactly what I feared. An old battle axe with no sense of humor. Lovely.

She was however, charmed by my husband. At that particular point I was glad somebody was because I certainly wasn't. He suddenly developed a case of verbal diarrhea and ran off at the mouth. He tends to do that when he's nervous. I tend to get annoyed by him when I'm nervous.

Oh yeah, we totally put up a united front. This woman kept shaking her head and writing down little notes while we tried to explain that we really loved each other, even if it didn't look like it. At one point I started to panic because Boo had just finished telling the woman what a fucking Nazi I was to live with so I over compensated (after snapping at him) by deciding to share that we still have great sex.

Because I know how important that is to parenting. And you could totally tell she was worried about that. Who cares if I provide a safe and loving environment for my children. As long as I'm a good lay.


I may as well have got out my battery operated bunny and tossed it on the coffee table. She might have been impressed then.

After three and a half hours of soul sucking torture and interrogation, she focused her laser-like eyes on my children. I felt a moment of panic for them, wanting to protect them from this woman's intrusive questions. Thankfully, that moment passed and I figured they were on there own. They're big kids. And damn it, I needed a break.

Actually, there wasn't a damn thing I could do other than hope and pray my darling children didn't tell this woman that I beat them on a regular basis and that my idea of parenting is to duct tape the kids to the wall. Her interview with my kids was private. I tried listening at the door with a cup to my ear, but the buggers were whispering. I finally gave up and just sat in the kitchen, wringing my hands and wiping the beads of sweat that kept popping up on my brow.

When they finally emerged behind the closed door I knew I was screwed when the government lady wouldn't make eye contact with me. My kids whispered apologies to me and Boo as they raced to the living room to plug in the video games. They needed to decompress too.

Boo tried to undo any damage the kids may have done by flirting with the old battle axe, but by then it was too late. She was having none of his blond, blue-eyed charm. I think I saw a handwritten note on her notebook to call social services first thing in the morning. I figure that couldn't be good.

By this time, she had been in my home for four and a half hours and I'm starting to think I should set up a guest bed for her. She may as well move in. I'd even let her use the good sheets, not the thread bared, nappy ones I make the kids sleep on. It was right about then she made her escape.

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Is it a bad sign when she won't look you in the eye and wishes you good luck? As she walked to her car, she shook her head the entire way. Like she was trying to clear the cobwebs or some damn thing.Boo and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. We knew we were screwed. But by this point we were such emotional basket cases that we could hardly function. We made the kids have cereal for supper (at least we fed them!) as we decompressed by watching violent movies on the couch. In front of our impressionable, young children. While drinking beer. I even offered them a swig of my brew. (I figured they earned it.)

That was round one. Today, at one o'clock, is round two. But this time, it's only me and the battle axe.

It's every woman for herself and if you think I'm going to let some grey-haired, balding, no sense of humor, underpaid, overworked government employee get in the way of my dreams of adopting some gibbled child, well then you are sadly mistaken. And apparently, you haven't read far enough into my archives to know better.

May the best woman win. (Theme music to Rocky plays in background.)

Let's see who's still standing by four o'clock this afternoon. I've got age on my side at the very least.
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Reader Comments (50)

I wish you the best! Good luck!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMs. Crafty Wanna-Be

Best of luck to you!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJill

That sounds AWFUL. You made it through, and that is quite an accomplishment. Good luck today (and I'm not even shaking my head).

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjennie

Oui... the only difference between an American governemt official and a Canadian one seems to be the border.

You'll do great today, and I am sure you did fine yesterday, really, what old cranky underpaid female could not be warmed by Boo's good looks.

And why do they always get the "mouth runneth over" syndrome? Mine does it too.

Good luck today!! And I say that without shaking my head.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Funny, the shaking head thing must have stood out for a few of us hehe.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Good Luck.

If she gives you any grief, just tell her that at least you duct taped the kid's ducky next to him. I mean he had his favorite toy.

I wonder what is easier adoption or pregnancy. Why is it so hard and frustrating to have a baby, whichever way you pick? Where are the flowers, puppies and flowy nightgown moments? *sigh*

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

you just stick your tongue in her ear, darlin'. turns bureaucrat-bots weak at the knees and makes 'em hand out handicapped kids like Christmas toys.

more seriously, though, you hold your head high and keep on truckin' right through her. you have love and empathy and experience and willing kindness to give to a child, and all her head shaking can't wither that away in you.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbon

That sounds positively horrendous. It seems so unfair that the whole shebang should rest on one person's opinion of your family. It seems like it should be a panel of people...
Good luck with part II!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

pshaaawwww! you did just fine, and i know it. good luck today lady. seriously sending you and the fam some good vibes.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJoy

Oh, I should have warned you! When we went through this process in 1995, we worked with quite a few social workers and hubby labeled them as "cold eyes" or "warm eyes". Fortunately, we had a "warm eyes" District Director in our court who smoothed it over with the "cold eyes." For some social workers, the issue was personal power and not the child's welfare. It took us 18 months on a roller coaster to adopt the special needs twins, but I know it was God's hand leading the process as he knew Ricky and Ron belonged in our house and they weren't ready for adoption for 18 months.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEarth Girl

Oh, good luck today. I am sure you will come through with flying colors.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

Just found your blog and have pissed away half an hour that I should have been working. Friends of mine are trying to adopt now and while they have been approved (yay!) the whole application process was just wretched - never mind waiting for a child to come along.

I'm sure it wasn't quite as bad as all that, really - just as I'm equally sure that were I in your situation I would overcome with the uncontrollable need to blurt out every last detail of my life, no matter how inappropriate.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

It totally pisses me off that they put good people through hell and make them feel like shit in order to "assess" them.

Why don't they put more energy into getting these poor kids out of bad homes and into good ones?

Good luck...I'll be thinking about you at that time. Also, sending my protective mama vibes your way.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSillychick

I'm sure it was fine! We went through something very similar when we went through the foster care to adoption process with our son. I was sure every person we came across thought I was unsuited to raise a child but in the end it all worked out. (I'm still not sure I'm suited to raise a child but that's just part of being a mom.)

Best of luck with round two!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterproblem girl

I'm outraged. (But then again I've been outraged all week. Must be hormones.) Fer chrissake, you want to adopt a child who needs a home! How hard should that be?

Maybe she just had poor social skills, and the head-shaking was just a twitch.

Just don't bring out the sex toys, and I think you'll do great today. But -- on second thought -- maybe some sex toys are just what she needs?

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

I feel as if I'm going to be sick. ... And I'm not the one trying to adopt. But I am hoping your experience will be the same as my first driver's license road test: I was so sure I'd failed that I almost asked the test proctor "are you sure?" when she handed me my license and said "congratulations."

Of course, if that doesn't happen. I think I'll have to write SOMEONE a strongly-worded letter on your behalf.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commentertoyfoto

Here's hoping she is less of a hag this afternoon. Good luck with round #2.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjacquie

hoo boy. surely it wasn't that bad, right? i hope? really hope this is just building up tension for the story and that things really are going well. i know what you mean about the verbal diarrhea when nervous, though. my husband does that sometimes. like the time we were meeting with the school counselor about lorelei and somehow the conversation turned to where he felt a need to use the word "clitoris" in reference to our daughter. i felt faint and almost giggled in shock. wheee! but they let us keep her. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing, actually. shouldn't a child automatically be removed from a home if, for any reason, a parent has to mention her clitoris? probably so.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

Just wanted you to know that your husband slipped me a note when you weren't looking.
It said:
I'm looking for a platonic female friend. Someone who enjoys long walks on the beach and meeting daily for coffee. Sex is optional. Call me.

See you at 1 o'clock.

Just so you know, your children told me EVERYTHING about this blog. Although I do find some of your writing amusing and others heartfelt I must say that I love the comments you get from your online friend "KimmyK" most of all. She's witty. I think I shall email her and see what she has to say about our fine Govt. handing over a child to you to raise and slobber all over.

I'll get back to you with what she has to say. Until then...I'll be watching you. I do have to cut our meeting short today so you know. I, uh, have a coffee date later, with..uh...new friend.

My husband adopted my son when he was five. We had to go through the same thing, even though he was my son. I remember how nerve wracking it was. Wishing you well.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

Will someone please, please tell me that wasn't the government lady commenting, that it is a joke?

Anyhoo--good luck this afternoon. Bake her some cookies (she sounds like the type that would respond to that) even if the dough is from the refrigerator section of the market.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercarrie

Go get 'em, Champ! Kepping my figers, toes, and eyeballs crossed for you!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJackie

*keeping - I really should re-read before I post :-P

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJackie

Oh Good Lord, and *fingers - I think I'm nervous for you - I can't type! *blushing* oops.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJackie

Oh, honey, maybe it's like when I first interviewed to be a teacher during my college's job fair. I had four interviews that day, and one of them was just. Awful. Horrid. The principal wouldn't look me in the eye, he was all over the place, and he had really tough questions. I answered the best I could but he kept cutting me off before I was finished and and looking at his hands; it was horrible. Yet, I only got one call back for a second interview - it was from his school system.

Keeping everything crossed for ya!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFishyGirl

Good luck!!
While she may have been an old battleaxe with no sense of humour you will prevail....I have faith.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJosie

You'll be great. I'm sure you WERE great. Your kids sound like wonderful little humans and I know you are.

When in doubt, smile and nod. Just smile and nod.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicken

Bake some cookies, for god's sake!
Just the kind you break off and stick in the oven.

If the old psychiatric nurse battle-axes I used to work with are any indication--food is the way to go, sister.

Food is where it's at.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterthe new girl

I swear, that KimmyK has the most marvelous and delicious sense of humor!!!

Hope everything really went well with your interviews. I already told you that I KNOW you and husband will do well. No telling what your kids said, however. I can't believe that she was allowed to take them to another room and interview them without an adult with them.

Also hope you will let us in on the big decision ASAP. We're behind you all the way. Now, go wipe the sweat from your brow and relax with some mommy juice.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermotherkitty

I'm wishing you tons of luck today. Kick ass, Rocky!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTerroni

You'll be fine! Just look that old battle ax dead in the eye and bowl her over with what a wonderful woman and mother you are and will be!

Good luck!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterVictoria

I bet you'll have a kid before Mother's Day.

Oh, I got this email today from some lady today asking me lots of questions. She wanted to know how I knew you so I told her I met ya in the clink back in the 80's after a night of doing coke off the toilet seat in the bathroom at the duty free station.

Good luck!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKimmyK

I would have cracked under the pressure.

Hope all went well today in round 2.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBethany

You are so gonna get the new kiddie!!

I reckon by summer you'll be a family of five :-)

Round two to our T, I assume :-)


April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercraziequeen

Sir Winston Churchill once said, "If you find you are going through hell, for heaven's sake, KEEP GOING!" I have faith in you guys!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDutchess of Malfi

I am stressed just by reading that. Damn you, now I have to go have a drink.

Good luck tomorrow. Kick some ass. (And perhaps you could gift her your vibrating bunny if things get really desperate.)

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew

dude. you are money. i can feel it.

you are so money.

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjen

Good luck, beautiful! If anybody can do it - it's you. If anybody ever deserved it - you do.

Now... kick some government bootie!

April 12, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterL.A. Daddy

She was shaking her head with pain. The pain from the stick up her a**.

Best of luck, T!

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJellyhead

Ugh. I remember our SW talking to the boys... Jack, who was 6 at the time, fiddled with his (own) penis the entire time through his sweat pants... I thought "Perverts" would surely show up on our homestudy.

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

It could not have been that bad...

Could it?

In honor of surviving that visit I think you should get another tattoo. What have you got to lose at this point, right?

Good luck today!! You'll be great.

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Oh dear.

I definitely smell a win in round two. Just use that duct tape to keep your husband's mouth shut ;)

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

My husband wants to know what "gibbled" means. I told him it's probably a Canadian thing.

(He's been reading your blog ever since the Hot Asian Coffee Incident, btw)

You'll get your child, dammit. You'll get yours.

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBinky

You're embellishing, right? I can't imagine anyone looking at you and not wanting to throw children your way.

Hey, Oliver's still up for grabs... ;)

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

Well, how'd round 2 go???

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGreat Dane Addict

You'll win hands-down. You might want to consider offering her the rabbit and a bathroom break. Can't hurt.

April 13, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMad Hatter

Re: the battle axe
My hubster and I have this theory that anyone who has grey pubs is likely to be, and has an excuse to be, a crotchety ol' frumpster.

April 14, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlisalou

I meant "pubes"..as in short and curlies.

April 14, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterlisalou

I hope all is going well with the adoption process.

April 19, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdaisydee

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