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Friday
Dec072007

Nipple Tassles Make Christmas Dreams Come True

It seems like I blinked my eyes and wiggled my nose (while wearing a sexy genie outfit of course) and suddenly the Christmas season has arrived. I'm having trouble adjusting to this reality. My brain (and body) still wants to frolick half naked and drunk on a beach instead of having to shake the snow off a Christmas tree and drop on all fours to retrieve the ornaments that plopped into a mound of snow after I tripped on my husband's chainsaw and spilled a box when I went to the shed to begin the festive process of decorating our house.

Merry farking Christmas.

It seems I'm caught with my pants down around my ankles this year when it comes to the season of giving. Normally, my type-A personality has the all the Christmas presents wrapped (in colour coordinating ribbons and bows) and piled neatly under the festively bejeweled tree; the Christmas cards signed, sealed and delivered and some eggnog in the fridge.

The closest I came to that this year is having eggs in the fridge. It's a start.

I'm starting to feel a tad pressured about the approaching holiday. It's not like I've completely abandoned my traditional uptight holiday behaviour. I did manage to squeeze in some gift shopping while I hunted for the elusive golden thong for Boo. I've most of the shopping finished for all my nieces and nephews. This is a big deal as I have a LOT of nieces and nephews. (Our siblings are really productive rabbits in disguise.)

So I have nothing to give my own children. I'm sure Fric and Frac would understand. And magically my wallet will open and be full of hundred dollar bills too.

I haven't even got the traditional mile long wish list from my kids, either. Strange. Seems we're all a little out of sorts this season. Usually they've bunny-eared the Sears Wishbook within an inch of it's life.

As Fric and Frac grow older, I'm finding it progressively harder to fill their stockings with colourful packages gifts. After 11 years of parenting and three kids, it feels like I've bought every conceivable toy known to man kind. (I shudder to think how much lead has been ingested through the years.) I've run out of good (re:affordable) ideas.

Of course, Boo is no help. His idea of a Christmas present for them is a shovel and a wheelbarrow. "That'll keep them busy for the winter. When they're done shovelling snow they can start filling the wheelbarrow with wood for the fireplace." He's so thoughtful.

This year, without a wishlist, I had to resort to something I've tried hard to avoid in the past. I actually asked them what they wanted for Christmas. Big mistake. Their eyes glazed over, drool started trickling out of the corners of their mouths and they rubbed their hands with glee. I swear it.

Suddenly, they were little carnivorous jackals, tripping over each other in their haste to spill their wanton secrets. It was as though I waved the magic wand and they realized what a limited time opportunity this really was. Picture two women fighting over a designer wedding dress for rock bottom prices. That was Fric and Frac, and I was the gown.

"An iPod!"

"A Wii!"

"A laptop with a printer!"

"A cellphone...preferably a Blackberry!"

"Just give me your credit card and your pin code and we'll call it even," I heard one shout.

"I've got dibs on any mutual funds and stocks and bonds," the other called.

As they started to fight over who got the check book, I backed slowly away and grabbed my car keys, while dreaming of the days I could buy Lego and Barbies and be the Christmas hero. I must have jingled my keys accidentally because suddenly the arguing stopped and they honed in on me like a bald eagle on a baby mouse.

"Where are you going?" they asked in unison. "Don't you want to hear the rest of our list?"

"Guys, the only way you are going to get all that crap...crap that I don't even have...is if your father and I win the lottery or I start working in the local dive sporting tassles and polishing their brass pole. So I'm off to search for leprechauns and rainbows and see if I can find a magic money tree."



They looked sheepish for half a millisecond before Fric piped up and offered an apology.

"It's okay Mom. Just because all of friends have cool toys doesn't mean we need them. We can just use theirs." Said with big, begging blue eyes trying to hypnotize me into buying him a PSP handheld system.

"Ya, Mom. It doesn't really bother me that all the kids in my class have cell phones and televisions in their bedrooms. I'm happy with that lamp you bought me for my birthday. It's really neat." Such a sweet conniving daughter I have.

"Besides Mom, we're rich with love. Even if all our friends are rich with money."

I looked at them and their faces so resembling my own and I swear my heart just about expanded out of my chest. Right about the time I lost my mind.

"Sucks being that kid in class, eh?" I offered them while remembering the kid in Mexico who tied a piece of chicken to a string to tease an alligator with. "I feel your pain. I was that kid in my class, too. The one who never had the cool toys or the most expensive clothes. I promised myself I would never let my kids feel that way. I would do anything I could to prevent that for my children. I'm really sorry you feel that way."

Their eyes lit up and I could see the visions of video systems and mp3 players dance above their heads.

"But then I had kids. And I realized it builds character."

You could hear the sighs in unison, timed perfectly with the synchronized eye-rolling.

"Now I'm off to buy you two some socks. If you're lucky, maybe you'll even get some fancy new underwear."

If only it was that easy. After talking to them I'm feeling more pressure than ever about what to buy them. If only I was made of money.

I'll have to ask Santa to fill my stocking with fancy nipple tassles and enrollment in a stripper-cize class so that next year's Christmas is covered.

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Reader Comments (24)

It's amazing how the older they get the more expensive the holidays become. I'm convinced my wife will have to resort to pole dancing and me drug dealing to afford future Christmases.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJason

Never mind their Christmas presents, T!

Where is my birthday gift?

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

You should have added I am going to get you some "Days of the Week" undies, they would have beamed with the delight they could anticipate opening that box.

I still buy my 35 year old sons Lego's. I bought them some for this year, some cool looking dino-pods. Hey, they make more than me, they are single, no kids. I buy a cheap ass tool, they buy the industrial strength MORE POWER version. So the Legos are cool, they build them, and then they keep them stacked on some shelf. The older ones patiently waiting for the new one to arrive this year LOL

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLarryLilly

You know, I'm in a place right now where I have said (and almost meant) that maybe I could get some night-time stripper girl job to pay for our bills. I'm not even *thinking* about gifts here, just medical bills! Ahhh, to be Canadian.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHetha

Yeah it was so much easier when we were able to just buy the Legos and Barbies...the gifts get more expensive every year and the kids think they also need things like ya' know food, and clothes, shoes that fit, did I mention food? They actually think we should feed them no less than 3 times a day....what do they think we're made of, million dollar bills?
Santa baby could put some cold hard cash in my stocking this year too.

Good luck getting decorated....and no more tripping over the chainsaw anymore, I had visions of an ER visit dance through my head.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPenelope Anne

First: I busted out laughing and *almost* woke up two sleeping babies when I read, "But then I had kids and realized it buils character." I am stifling another laugh right now... *snicker*

Second: DEFINITELY no more tripping over chainsaws. My former step-father owns a tree company (the kind that prunes and grinds stumps, not like a lumber company) and I have seen what those chainsaws can do! PLEASE be careful, woman!

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeatherN3Boys

It does build character, really. If they have everything their little minds could imagine, they wouldn't understand the value of it.
I have a friend who has it down right. She tells the kids "Yes, we are rich, but you two are poor. That may change if you get a good education, which we will be happy to provide. Aren't you glad we let you live in such a nice house?"
She cracks me up, but totally has a point.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterwitchypoo

Damn lady, you crack me up - I remember begging my parents for everything. We did have great gifts around our home but the best ones were the ones I never asked for - honestly, they were. And I'm with you, it does build character.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

cracking up here, and also being very grateful that my kids are still too small to even notice if i buy them anything. so i don't. ha!

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

I don't look forward to those upcoming years.

But I think my dad would like Boo's idea about the snow shovel and wheelbarrow.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

I hope it doesn't come to stripping; I bet it gets mighty cold up there.

It does get harder as they slouch towards teen. And may I add: less exciting.

Oh well.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

BubTar is 5 and already there are fairly big ticket items on the list. He's going to want a car by eleven! LOL. Good luck.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

I feel your pain. Over the year I deflected the whining with 'Maybe for Christmas' and now it has come to bite me in the arse.

When they were little it was so easy. Heaps of toys from China (no lead then) and a couple of decent things. Sorted.

Now everything is sell-your-first-born-to-buy-for-your-second-born expensive.

Let me know if you find those fancy nipple tassles and if they will give us a bulk discount.

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Keep the stripper pole in the bedroom and just start selling off Boo's power tools on Ebay.

December 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerMama

So what you're saying is I should enjoy these years of handing my kid a cardboard box and some shiny bows and her being completely happy with that. I can do that.

December 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Come thisa way, I'll have you swinging on that pole in no time *chuckles*

The older they get the harder it is.. I miss when they were more interested in the box then the toy that came in it, it was so easy then.

I told mine they were all getting new sheet sets for Christmas.. now they will be happy with whatever Santa pulls out of his merry butt.

December 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMamaMichelsBabies

Ask me what it feels like to walk out of Wal-mart almost $600 cheaper....and it's for one 11 year old nephew. Go ahead, ask.

DAMN YOU XBOX360. DAMN YOU TO HELL!

December 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFirestarter5

Tis the season.

Thanks for the laugh. Over on my lbog I've been psoting about my year in hell as a mall Santa so trust me I know full well how unjolly the holidays can be.

December 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTravis Erwin

giggling. and wondering if we can just skip Christmas altogether for the next fifteen years or so.

December 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterbon

How about when they won't tell you anything they want?

I'm stuck guessing what my 11 year old stepdaughter wants for xmas. Is she hoping for toys or for "teen" type gifts?

Oh the stress.

December 10, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercanape

I think if you could just get a web cam to show off those nipple tassles, there wouldn't be a holiday budget to contend with. :)

December 10, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

I was that kid in class too - and I agree, it builds character.

December 10, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterqt

Well, hey, at least you have that option.... Nobody would want to see me on a pole! One year I got a bed for Christmas. Yeah, I still don't have the cool toys.

December 10, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

God I love you, T.

December 11, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

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