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A Redneck's Vacation

I'm back. Shovelling out from under the snow which fell while we were gone, spoiling my dog and hugging my children so often they've taken to hiding in their rooms to avoid my reaching tentacles.

We had an absolutely great time. I would do it all over again if I ever get the chance. I just wouldn't do it tomorrow. I missed my kids, my friends, and my country far more than I would have anticipated. I need a chance to sit back and get irritated by enjoy all three before I'm ready to dig out my passport and start globe trotting once more.

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I laugh now at how I fretted over Boo and I being alone for fifteen days and not having anything to talk about. Those gaping silences mocked my imagination and I feared I would dream them into reality. In my pre-vacation worry marathon, I must have forgotten Boo and I got married for a reason in the first place. (Besides the fact I was knocked up with our second and my Daddy was holding a shot gun to our heads.) We do many things well together. Talking is one of them. If we ever ran out of topics to talk about we just turned to the old standby: Politics. Two people of vastly different ideologies and a bottle of tequila led to many interesting conversations (re: yelling matches overlooking the ocean).

"You are nothing but a radical, left wing socialist nut job! You're once step short of being a commie!" He'd yell argue.

"Ya? So?" I'd taunt. "You are a blowhard Christian fundamentalist conservative who would sell his own mother and all his personal freedoms just for lower tax rates and the chance to kiss Stephen Harper and Ann Coulter's ass," I'd jeer.

I mean, we really mastered the art of sweet talk. When we weren't arguing over politics, we were holding hands and trying to recapture the romance that led us together in the first place.


If you believe that I have magic beans I could sell you too. While we did have one or two romantic moments, we weren't joined at the hip. In fact, you'd likely have found Boo on the beach playing soccer with all the kids or at the pool enjoying a rowdy game of water polo, while I was busy ogling all the naked breasts floating about and trying to relax and not think about my kids, the adoption or the fact I haven't started Christmas shopping yet.

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It was hard to get romantic with one another when we were both lobster red and radiating enough heat to heat our home during a Canadian blizzard. There was a lot of "Don't touch me!" yelled and "Ouch! That hurts!" whenever we were in bed together. Imagine him on one side of a king sized bed, me on the other and never the two meeting. Rather hard to bump uglies that way. We stood in front of the air conditioner vent and held hands. Pure bliss.

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Thankfully, there was a wide variety of activities to partake in when we couldn't get romantic with one another. Apparently, I impressed Boo with my sense of adventure. He seemed to have me confused for an eighty year old woman with bifocals and a penchant for knitting scarves instead of the healthy young lady I am. I was game for trying anything. Zip lines, cliff climbing, rappelling, and running topless down the beach. You only live once, right?

We ate food we had never before tasted, drank enough liquor to pickle our livers and enjoyed the tropical surroundings from part of a world we'd never before explored. There was laughter, romance and adventure. But something was missing and I couldn't place my finger on it until we stepped off the air plane, gasped as we felt the bitter bite of the cold northerly wind gusting in our faces and grew goose bumps bigger than the hemorrhoids I sported during pregnancy.

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We may have lived on a tropical beach for two weeks and enjoyed the warm ocean waters, but it wasn't really paradise.

Paradise is, and always will be, where our hearts lay. Safely stored with our two beautiful kids who were left behind and all of our loved ones who kept the home fires warmly stoked for our arrival.

I found paradise amongst the snow drifts and blizzard like temperatures and I'm so glad to be back in it.

I've got to be out of my ever loving mind.

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Reader Comments (59)

Glad you had a good time, T!

We always feel the sdame way after our summer vacations. Glad to be home, after being away.

Now, it looks like I am going to be the first to comment... and I have to say: Red bikini=HAWT!



December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterGunfighter

Glad you're back and had a good time! Too bad about the sunburns though. And I concur - red bikini = hawt! :-)

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjackie

Looks like a great time! Welcome home!

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

I'm glad you had a nice time. Just remember that feeling next week with the Kidlets are being, well, Kidlets.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMinnie

glad you're home, and safe, and nicely pickled.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBon

Look how cute you look! I'm super jealous of your time in the sun, it looks rejuvenating.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjennie

Good to hear you had a great time. When Mrs. Joe and I spent the weedend away from the kids in October we pickled our livers quite well, also.

Minus the little umbrellas.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe


You need to retract that part of you running down the beach topless.

No pics, it didnt happen!

Me and mine are off to Disney land in a couple of weeks. We board our dog, but we will be sharing a condo with my two mid-30 single sons.

I should have been the one boarded!

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLarryLilly

That sounds wonderful!
But, I know what you mean about being so glad to be back. My husband and I have only gone away for a couple of days at a time, but it's amazing how I rush back to see my son.
But, I think it's so important to have a little time alone - away! Seriously, we sometimes just need to get away from the house and the dishes and the cats and the phone calls and just be away and not have to make dinner.
It's amazing how much you realize you love someone when you're not worried about who has to do the dishes.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaural Dawn

standing in front of air vents holding hands. snicker.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDawn

You're really pretty. :)

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkris

Sounds like you had a fabulous time! You crack me up --- goosebumps and haemorrhoids. Only you, T - only you would come up with that, lol.

Why did you black out Boo's eyes?

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentertiger lamb girl

yay! I am so glad you had a great time - what about Boo in the thong! That is the WHOLE reason I read this - well, that and a glimpse of your ta-tas

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterqt

I'm glad you had a good time and all that but I'm way more glad that your back to blogging! I missed you while you were off frolicking in the sand and sun. Looks like you had a good time, I'm glad it was everything you'd hoped for.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Welcome back.

You two are so freaking adorable it should be illegal.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

Well the part of him we can see is HAWT! You don't look bad either but where's the picture of you running topless down the beach?

And this -

“You are nothing but a radical, left wing socialist nut job! You’re once step short of being a commie!� He’d yell argue.

“Ya? So?� I’d taunt. “You are a blowhard Christian fundamentalist conservative who would sell his own mother and all his personal freedoms just for lower tax rates and the chance to kiss Stephen Harper and Ann Coulter’s ass,� I’d jeer.

Where have you hidden the microphone in my house because I can't tell you how many times I've had that SAME ARGUMENT! My husband once accosted George Will for his autograph in an airport. I nearly divorced him on the spot.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerMama

I'm thrilled for you. It all looks and sounds wonderful.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKyla

Glad you had fun! You look great!

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLori

Yup, there really is no place like home. Even when it involves -30 C weather and huge amounts of snow, I too love my home.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjacquie

Glad you had fun - we missed you! You look fantastic, though. Very well rested.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFishyGirl

I can't decide what I'm most jealous of. The fruity drink or your incredible lack of cellulite.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

T, T, T! You look amazing!

Glad you had a good time away, and an even better homecoming.

XO Jelly

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJellyhead

a) you're so freakin' adorable
b) hooray! (almost) a picture of boo! he looks very handsome.
c) you are right. home is where the kids are. but still good to get away every now and then to be reminded of it.

welcome home.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

I've been thinking about how good a vacation would be. I'm so glad that you guys had one (and an absolutely fabulous one, from the looks of it).

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

Am also jealous of the complete lack of cellulite!


Also hoping that at some point in our lives, DH and I can take a vacation like this. Our "honeymoon" was a trip to Florida because Egypt was out of the question when I found out 3 weeks after our wedding that I was preggers. LOL Good times, good times. :-)

Glad you enjoyed yourself, but even more glad that you were so happy to be *home*.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeatherN3Boys

Glad you had fun .. love the pictures! Thanks for sharing!
PS ... knew you would look great in a bathing suit!

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMBKimmy

Thank god I am not the only left wing nut job who married a hyper blonde conservative.

So happy you had a good time!

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

RNM- Aren't you a hottie?

Hee, hee.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlli ~Mrs. Fussypants

Ditto the "hottie" comment above, Miss Posting-a-Photo-In-a-Swimsuit! glad you had a good time.

December 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlly

OOOh I want one of those black things over your husbands eyes for mine. For his mouth. THAT would be a blissful vacation for me. *snort*

I lurve that you can do the eyebrow thing. Wish I could do it. It would make my death stare to my children SO much more effective.

Glad your back. Now I can get me some more Redneck entertainment.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

I'm so glad you're back!!!!! Looks like you had a great time. Can't wait to hear more about your kid's antics!!!!!


December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMs. Crafty Wanna-Be

lol... do you have Boo's face blacked out to save "face" when you publish the gold thong photos? heheheheh..

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMama V

Welcome home!

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercanape

Glad you guys had a great vacation :)
But oh how true that no matter how good the vacay - you miss the kidlets.

Enjoy the shovelling.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJosie

Aw! Glad you guys had fun! Its always strange to realize that you would actually rather be with your kids than in some beautiful peaceful tropical place isn't it? Damn kids.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKarly

I was thinking about you as I drove out to the airport on Sunday to pick up my husband, thinking that you were coming back to some shitty weather. Glad you had such a good time.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

At the risk of sounding redundant, you are a smokin' hot mama. I wouldn't even wear a bikini anymore, let alone take pictures of myself in one.

I'm jealous now - looks like you guys had a kick-ass time.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

You know, as I look at the first picture of you, you look hot.

Also, I cant help but laugh at the same time, its an EXACT replica of the one that Godzilla looked like when he came out of the ocean.


(kidding about the Godzilla thing, but not the hot!)

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLarryLilly

Glad you had a great time. Looks like a lot of adventure, being afraid of highths would stop me from enjoying it but I am glad you did. Welcome Home!

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjustmylife

Sounds like a great time. Perhaps next time the kids could come. But stay in a separate room, of course.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRoth Family

I'm glad you had a good time! You look relaxed and radiant in your pictures. (Not to mention hawt in that bikini!!)

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

*too jealous to comment, runs away to be green with envy alone*


Glad you had a good, no, great time.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Great eyebrows! Why is there a big black square where the rest of Boo's face should be?

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPAM

wow that looks like a great, well deserved, vacation.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa b

Glad you had a wonderful time! Hubby and I were also lobsters on our Mexican honeymoon, and spent several days only holding hands in bed 'cause it hurt too much to bump uglies!

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDenice

Now I WANT a vacation! Yours looks very fabulous.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Hey, gorgeous girl! Missed you. Glad you had fun. And glad you're back.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

Sounds like a lovely time.

And yeah, Ann Coulter blows.

December 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSugar Kane

Ahem I thought you had said your kids were the proof you were a blonde. Um. I think Boo might have a little to do with it! ;)
What gorgeous hair!! I would say eyes but black kinda freaks me out a little. Kinda like Samara.

December 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKay

Oh and you are cute as always.

December 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKay

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