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Tuesday
Oct302007

Golden Goodies Dance Before Me

It can be really tough being alone with my kids for 24 days straight without any parental help from Boo. Hell, it can be really tough being alone without a husband, period. I miss having a manly shoulder to lean on and prop me up.

There is no sex. No cuddling. No one manly arms to take the trash to the dump. No manly words of loved whispered to try entice me into the sack. No manly arms to cook us supper and keep us from starving to death.

Did I mention, the sex part? Somehow the humming of my favorite battery powered buddy is just not as thrilling as well, flesh and blood.

It's a wonder the kids and I have survived Boo's long absences.

Yet, Boo and I make it work for the most part. While he's off chasing the almighty dollar, earning cash for standing around and picking his ass, I guard the home fires and try to keep the embers burning brightly for his return. He's entrusted me with his kids, his castle and his bank account and all I have to do is talk to him once or twice a day while he's absent to make sure I haven't run off with the water man. Or the gas man. Or the mail man.

It's not such a tough gig. Especially since I'm not dealing with our marital dip. And I'm not having any good sex. I should be well rested at the very least, being alone all the time.

So I go through the motions, waiting for his return, and for him to call so I can hear the warm, deep sound of his voice. Reminding myself, the entire time, he will be home soon and leaving his dirty clothes in a pile and generally driving me bat-shit crazy.

When the phone rings, every one scrambles to reach it first. Pillows and couch cushions fly in our haste to be the first to answer, the first to be able to speak with our elusive man.

The telephone is what is keeping our relationships with the missing man in action alive and healthy, reminding us that life will one day resume normally when the big guy returns.

After a particularly difficult night last night with the kids and a rough sleep entailing a lot of tossing and turning and shoving my dog's arse out of my face, the phone rang this morning.

"Hello?" I answered, hoping it was Boo and not some telemarketer since once again my call display seemed to be in the crapper.

"Morning Sweet Cheeks, how did you sleep?" Boo asked.

"Not worth a nickel. Damn dog had gas and stunk worse than you normally do."

"You love it. My manly aroma, that is."

"Ya, it's my favorite thing," I replied while struggling to keep a straight face and not roll my eyes. "How was work?"

"Same ole, same ole. What do you have planned for today, love?"

"Well, I'm downloading some music as we speak and then I'm going to shake my thang. Maybe later go see about buying some clothes for our vacation. I'm trying to find a shiny gold banana hammock for you to sport. Preferably one with a thong."

Visions of my husband's ass cheeks jiggling on a tropical beach dance before my eyes.

"Ya. I'm not thinking so," he replied somewhat dryly. "Maybe you should just shop for yourself and let me worry about my own clothes."

"Where's the fun in that? Don't be such a puss. We're going to be on vacation. You are supposed to let it all hang out." Snicker.

"Speaking of letting it all hang out, have you been to the gym lately?" I could hear him unwrap a candy bar in my ear. Bastard.

"Are you implying something?" I asked in my most snotty wife voice.

"No, no. Just wondering," he hurriedly added with his mouth full of chocolately goodness that I am trying to avoid in an attempt to actually fit into a swim suit. "You said you were going to buy a new swim suit. Did you get a bikini?" he asked, somewhat hopefully and completely pathetically.

"Um, that would be a negative, my friend." Like duh.

"Why not? We're going to be on vacation. You are supposed to let it all hang out," he parroted back to me. Damn him.

"Because a bikini would show off my mummy tummy. The jelly belly in a bikini is not a pretty sight, not even for the foreigners I would be abusing by wearing one. I'd never be able to sit without rolls of flesh winking at me and mocking my self-esteem."

"Don't you worry about sitting. You'll be laying down most of the time any way, he he," he snickered.

"Very funny. What about when we are in public and I need to eat?" I argued.

"You mean you plan on eating something other than my manly sausage?"

"Stop it. You're grossing me out and I just got up."

"Well, you don't look half bad as long as you stand. Think of the calories you'll burn eating that way."

"Remind me why I love you, again?"

"Cuz I'm your babies daddy. I'm your bread and butter. I complete you."

"You just called me fat, you ass." I felt the need to point this out. Like it wasn't obvious.

"I'm just keeping it real. I'm helping motivate you. Trying to get you moving, like you asked me to."

"You know, I'm suddenly feeling really good about myself. Maybe I'll go bury my face in a pail of icecream and then crack a few beers. Watch some soaps and eat that stack of halloween candy I bought for the kids. Really round myself out. Fill out that mythical bikini."

"Sounds good to me. Just make sure you're not sitting next to me when we get there. That roll of flesh may swallow me whole," he snorted.

"I'm hanging up now, dick head." I threatened.

"I love you too. You should groove your way to the gym so that bikini and -"

"I can't hear you!" I yelled into the phone. "Bad connection. I think I'm losing you. Love you," I called as I pressed the disconnect button.

Yes, our phone conversations help keep the magic of our marriage alive.

I think I'll let the kids answer the next call. I'm gonna be busy eating ice cream and searching the web for an itty bitty man bikini to shove his package into. Let's see how sexy Mr. Confident feels when he learns the only trunks I packed for him are of the shiney gold thong variety.

I may have to strategically hide my mummy tummy, but at least I'm not going to have to stuff any part of my suit to look sexy.

***Update:***

Apparently, in a bout of insomnia, the hubs decided to check my blog instead of sleeping like he is supposed to be doing this afternoon. He doesn't think I've got the cojones to buy him a thong. He's issued a challenge, in his sleep-deprived state. He SWEARS he will wear a thong if I agree to go topless one afternoon on some tropical beach.

You silly man. You silly, lovable, sleepy man.

I accept your challenge. (After all, didn't the psych assessment say I have exhibitionist tendencies?)

Not only will I go topless (while extremely intoxicated I hope) and let the boob rings glint in the sun for an hour or so just to see your sweet hairy ass cheeks shimmer like the white, cantaloupe globes they are, but I'm gonna take a picture.

And I'm gonna send it out to our family and friends as our Christmas card.

You've made your bed bet.

It's public now, my sweets. Better buy a razor and practice shaving those sweet cheeks and while you're at it, you might want to find a stair master to boot.

Don't mess with the Redneck. I always win.

Smooches, love.

I may even post the pic, for all to ridicule and snigger enjoy.

Let's see who gets the laugh laugh now, eh Boo?
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Reader Comments (45)

Hey, no comments yet???
(Just passing by and wanted to say Hi (and thanks (again) for entertaining us))

"Hi" :)

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterK

My friend, you're not the only one having a dry spell.

I bet you look smokin' hot in a bikini.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermetro mama

Me too!

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterVerrySherry

that was ditto for the appreciating the entertaining as with K.
-not the dry spell-- I'm having a lucky spell hehehe

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterVerrySherry

I keep asking: what is this "sex" you speak of?

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBennie

Oh, darlin' -- of all the people I know (or don't know, really, heh), you most of all of us can get away with a bikini.

Just sayin'.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterslouching mom

HA! I don't know how you do it. I'm miserable when my man is gone for 5 days.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLori

If you can't get away with a bikini, I probably shouldn't be trying to wear anything than a tent. One of those ones from Canadian Tire with a vestibule that sleeps ten.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

Oops, that's "anything OTHER than a tent". Stupid fingers.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

Sex? What's sex?

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

The scariest and sexiest bikinis I have dreamed about are here: www.wickedweasel.com
I still havent had the opportunity to (dare to) squeeze into one!

Keep blogging because you make our day here in the estrogen zone of cube farm land!

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTangerine

how much do I love that you call eachother "love"?

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFlutter

I vote for you and Boo as the couple with whom Kyle and I would most like to go drinking. Hell, we don't have to go anywhere, just hang out and laugh ourselves silly.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

Don't speak to me about dry spells.

I am SO looking forward to seeing that picture. Bring it on...!

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermy float

I'm with mothergoosemouse. I bet you two are a riot!

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFrench Fry

Oh, god. Boo, what were you THINKING?!?

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkittenpie

If you don't find the thong (which I am sure you can ...) you should get matching bathing suits.
I did that to my husband on our honeymoon. I was young. And I thought it was very cool. He did not agree. But, looking back it is really funny to have matching bathing suits ...

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaural Dawn

Oh honey you're not really going to make your man wear a thong are you...then you might really never want to get busy with him again. Something about those things...I don't care how good a body a man has those banana hammocks make them all look ridiculous.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

So it's on, huh? Crazy stuff happens when they are far away...they forget we're a force to be reckoned with.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Milton

LMAO.

And I can't wait to see the photos! lolol

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTiger Lamb Girl

You are one BAD redneck mommy! Love it!

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRuth Dynamite

I love your blog - it rocks you are too damn funny! Love it
I am POSITIVE you are being hard on yourslef I bet you would look great in a bikini!
Boo - my dear ... what were you thinking ... you knoew she would take that bet! Haha I can't wait - when is the vacation again?!

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMBKimmy

Argh - John is gone for long breaks as well... I feel your pain.

Then again, after that conversation, you are probably glad to have the house to yourself... or maybe you'd just rather have those conversations in person, so you can slug him one?

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLotus Carroll

Buhahahahahahahaw! That'll learn him to challenge YOU!!! Get 'em Redneck Mommy!
I love you guys. I have to say, my Redneck wouldn't DARE say anything about me working out. He might have to do it too. You're damn right he would.
I know what you mean, though. As much as The Redneck drives me nuts, I hate it when he's gone. And my BOB doesn't do it quite the same way.
You crack me up.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer McKenzie

I say a gold MESH thong. Or would that be considered cruel and unusual punishment?

CGF

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercandygirlflies

Ack - the Borat banana thong. Good times.

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJen M

Oh boy, am I ever looking forward to the vacation follow up posts. Bwahahah!

October 30, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterb*babbler

I just snorked coffee through my nose, which is painful. But it was in a good cause! Too funny - and this could be any of a number of nearly-verbatim conversations I have had with my other half. Who is also in Singapore at the moment, leaving me alone for 2 more weeks of uninterrupted misery parenting.

Why is it the whole "keeping it real" thing only applies to us? And have you ever noticed that the man will swell with pride at wearing "the same pant size as I did 10 years ago!" while sweetly ignorant of the fact that it's only because their belly goes OVER the belt, while the mummy tummy is inescapably somewhat lower? Am I the only one who notices this phenomenon?

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMeL

The stakes are high in your household! I love it!

I can't wait to see the thong pic. I could even start an email chain letter for you and we can see how long it takes to circulate the planet....

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerMama

OK -My BF would never dare say anything to me about working out, he who eats a pint of Chubby Hubby in one sitting...

I second the wicked weasel bikinis. I wish I had the bod to wear one of those becuase they are tiny, tiny - you should check them out.

And what a fool Boo was to challenge you. I guess it is all worth it to see your girls getting some fresh air and sunshine, right?

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterqt

Please don't show photos.

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew

Whooooo Hooooo! I can't wait for the pictures!

When do you guys leave?!?!?!?!

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMs. Crafty Wanna-Be

Let me know what resort you're going to so I can call the stalkerazzi. I'm sure they'll get some great pictures.

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Oh, it's a MUST. I'm looking forward to hearing about it, although I'm not certain I need to see the pictures.
As for you, screw the gym, get a sexy one-piece and get liquored up, isn't that what vacation is for?
If it's not, don't tell my kidlets, they'll be in for a rude awakening.

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMinnie

We would get to see Boo's ass. Really? When? I'll mark it on the calendar. Give me something to look forward to:)

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

Can I pay NOT to see that? If I want to see some sad bruised bananas, I can go to the grocery store and stomp on them myself.

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

Oh yes, pictures are a must. And holy heck Redneck - you would look hot in a bikini.

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

Did I fail to mention one of my bikini pictures has a very sadly placed tampon string?
You show me yours I'll show you mine.

October 31, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

Will you be calling to schedule a brazilian wax for Boo? There's no sense in allowing silly man hair to obstruct the view of those hot buns (of steel).

November 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHetha

Seeing any man in a shiny gold banana hammock would likely cause a season of drought. Even the cactuses would shrivel up.

November 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJana

Bwa ha ha ha... Pictures, indeed! As for the wickedweasel site a commenter posted... OMG in HEAVEN!!! WTF?! Why even bother wearing anything?!

Oy...

November 1, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeatherN3Boys

xo. thats all I got hon. xo. hilarious.

November 2, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercrazymumma

I've seen you in person. Unless you've changed drastically in the last three months, you're PERFECT as is! But a gold banana hammock thing? I'd love to see that!

November 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterIzzy

Thing? Of course i meant THONG!

November 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterIzzy

You have some swinging brass ones, chicka! hahaha!

December 7, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteremmasometimes

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