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Judgement Day Looms...Quick Take Cover

As most of you know, I started blogging shortly after my youngest son passed away unexpectedly. I was looking for a way to stabilize my world, to solidify my foundation after it was left tattered and crumbled. For a while, I wrote to try and bring my son back to life, to remember the minutiae of his life. To cling to him in whatever way I could. Even if meant trying to grasp whisps of a rainbow.

It wasn't long before I realized no matter how often I wrote about my son, he was never coming home to be tucked in at night. I would never plug him in to be fed again, nor would I ever have to worry about him letting a floater go in the tub, or pick at his never ending case of cradle cap or wonder whether his feet would look more clubbed when he woke up the next morning.

Because I realized there were no more next mornings. The tomorrows with my Shalebug were all spent. It was up to me to try and find a way to adjust and cope to this new reality, because no one could do it for me.

So I turned to writing once more, this time to try and remember the magic of the moment, the funny of life. I made a conscious effort to write about what made me smile or laugh in my day, no matter how trivial. It was a concerted effort to remember that life is what you make of it, no matter how many times you draw the short straw or go to bed wishing for a different ending.

It worked. I healed and continue to do so. My children survived intact and not the shattered, scarred souls I was worried my grief would turn them into. I lost one child due to circumstances beyond my control, I wasn't going to lose the other two because I was unable to deal with the loss.

It hasn't always been fun and games. Which has made it particularly difficult to blog some days. Sometimes, there is just no funny to make me smile and share with the internet. Sometimes, there is just an overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness that is too difficult to articulate into words.

Still, I press on and continue to try and find the funny. It's not always easy when all I want to do is talk about how my parents are still shunning me and how I miss them so. It's not easy during the times I resent my husband for leaving me alone to deal with our family while he is away at work. But then, life isn't always easy. So I plug on, waiting for the light to shine through the clouds of gloom that have momentarily darkened my sky.

When the hubs and I started our adoption journey, I decided to share the process on my blog. It hasn't been an easy affair by any stretch, but it has provided some entertaining blog fodder. Yet, like life itself, our journey hasn't worked out like the hubs and I imagined it.

Besides taking a helluva lot longer than we expected, we never thought our application would be put on hold. Because of the fact I took antidepressants after Shalebug died. They wanted to clinically assess my mental status. Make sure I wasn't really crazy. Worse, we never thought they would examine our children under such a bright microscope, looking for cracks in each of their veneers.

In the end, we wait while complete strangers decide if adopting a special needs child into our family is in the best interest of Fric and Frac. Or more technically, we wait until they make the decision they feel best covers their collective asses.

The wait is coming to an end. I finally heard from our lovely adoption office, requesting Boo and my presence in their office on the day of Oct. 17.

Finally and at long last, we will hear their verdict in regards to our application. I wish I could say I was confident, but the truth is, after dealing with these bureaucrats I now understand they do not put my family's best interest first, nor that of the many children waiting to be adopted. They put their jobs and their political interests first.

Based on all that has happened before now, there is a very real possibility that our application will be denied. Which sucks and makes me want to cry and go all warrior-like on their asses.

I will be counting the moments until Judgement day, and hoping for the very best. But, I think I'll keep sharpening my tomahawk until then, just in case.
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Reader Comments (80)

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that you get approved!

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKarly

Oh sweetie. How can they make you wait that long? I've read through your Shalebug stories, and your adoption journey stories, and I've laughed and cried with you.

I'm not a religious person, but you are in what passes for prayers in my world. Positive thoughts for you, Boo, Fric and Frac. And in loving memory of your Shalebug.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRee

De-lurking to wish you all the best. If they have any sense at all, you've passed with flying colors. Hang in there, baby.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Don't you fret. Even these asshats that are in charge of decision making will see you for what you are. A family with a big heart willing to share.

And if they don't, give them 40 wacks.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAbove Average Joe

I can't believe you have to wait until the 17th. That's criminal.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermamatulip

And it's just that many more days that a child who deserves a loving home goes without. UGH!!

I'm sending my positive thoughts your way. I wish I could do more.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMammaLoves

What about fostering? I know it's not the same but it would still do a world of good. Take care of yourself.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

I realized after I hit post that I didn't say that I hope you get a positive response from the adoption people. Good luck.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdeb

I will be shocked if they say no... and sad. Because you are one good mama and any child would be lucky to have you.


October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterOh, The Joys

I can't believe they'll have you sit and wait and count the days...that just doesn't seem right. It's perfectly evident that you are a fabulous mother and if they can't see that then fuck 'em.

I'll be crossing my fingers for you all...

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAssertagirl

That makes me so frustrated and angry. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerMama

Keeping fingers, toes and everything else crossed for you.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJosie

I've got everything crossed for you that I can.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSue

Your writing is so honest and poignant and sweet and raw that it makes me feel like my heart is going to fall out of my chest. I hope you all get what you so unbelievably, undeniably deserve on October 17.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkgirl

Fingers crossed, prayers murmured, and hoping for all the best for you and your family.

And completely ready to pull out my own axe if need be on the 17th (but I'm hoping it will be more of an occasion for colorful banners and balloons...)

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

I'm keeping everything crossed for y'all! Sending up Prayers for Success.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterNotAMeanGirl

T...they'd be jack-asses if they denied your application.

Who wouldn't be on antidepressants if their son died?!?!?!?!

Wishing and praying for the best....


October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMs. Crafty Wanna-Be

Well, I´m sending good thoughts your way on the 17th and I hope you get your baby. (A big fan of your writing and been lurking around here for ages).

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTina

If anyone deserves this - it's your family. I'll be sending you all the good vibrations I can!

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkris

Awww ... good luck chicklet. I still can't believe it's taken this long.
And all of those kids waiting. Blows my mind.
Crossing fingers and toes for you. And marking that date on my fridge calendar.

Ut-oh. Wait. Is this me being nice to you? :P

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

If they say no, well I will help you kick some bureaucratic butt. They would be idiots to say no to your fantastic family and especially to a super freaky fantastic mom like you.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermotherbumper

If you are denied, all my faith in the human race will be smashed to smithereens. I'm waiting with you, in spirit.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicken

They put your application on hold in order to clinically asses your mental state because you took anti-depressants after your baby unexpectedly passed on. What sort of heartless judgemental people are these that they would give you "bad marks" for that? A normal human being would view that as responsible action. You did what it took to function for your family. UNBELIEVABLE.

I hope that this is just a little bump in the road, and that the 17th will be a day of rejoicing because of the new addition coming to your family!

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterElly

The system really does suck.


Well, I won't jump the gun yet.

Or ax.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

Delurking to say that I'm a recent reader of your blog and find it so well written and lovely to read. I hope your meeting on the 17th has only good news for you.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJaynee

I have such admiration for you, and hope so much that you are approved.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse

If anyone deserves to be approved, it is you. I will definitley be sending good vibes and luck wishes to you during the next two weeks. Any child, regardless of physical or mental status, would be luckier than a whore at a prison break to have you as a mother.

Best wishes, of course.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

Praying for you and your family for a positive response on the 17th.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRoz

Gee, if anyone deserved or deserves to be on antidepressants, I wonder if it could be a mom who just lost her baby? Common sense people.
T, you're an awesome mom with a great family - if the bureaucratic asshats cant see that, they need to remove the blinders and I'm pretty sure all of us in the blog-world can help them shove em up their arse!
10/17, crossing my fingers, saying prayers and thinking good thoughts.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterkat

De-lurking to tell you that I love your blog and I'll be praying for you. Adoption agencies can be a total pain in the ass. Here's hoping everything goes well!

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Having way to much experience with the asshatery that is "the system" I hope that they realize that you are a no less than a perfect candidate to mother one of the many children in need.

I'll be hoping for big celebrations on the 17th.

Barring that, I'll be readying the weapons of mass destruction.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterb*babbler

I am Praying for your family to get the addition you so desire. God has your back even if this place your waiting on doesn't.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterDebi

Keeping my fingers crossed for you and your family.... and the lucky little duck that would get you guys. Try to keep the faith too... potentially, there is SO much to stay positive for.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjasmine

I'm speechless. I don't know what to say without heading down a path of ranting and raving.

Big bloody hugs from over here, and a big smooch and, honestly, those adoption agencies suck ass big time and ... I'd better stop before I lose my will to live.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooo to you, Boo, fric and frac and your little angel boy

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermy float

the countdown is on.

honey, NO ONE could do a better job. NO ONE. I am down here wildly cheering you on.

love you.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjen

The secret is that, even though time has passed, you have never forgotten your Bug, and you never will. He is your baby boy.

I do hope and pray that the adoption people see you and Boo for the wonderful parents you really are. And I can't see Fric and Frac ambushing your plans.



October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercraziequeen

If they turn you down (and I say "if" when I believe that it won't happen, they won't turn you down. Not when I have all my fingers, my toes and my eyes crossed. Wondering if I shoulda kept my legs crossed too. heh.) some child will be missing out on having one kick-ass mama. Because you, my friend, have a lot of love to give.

Still keeping everything crossed for you.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

If there were ever a parent on the face of the Earth that deserved this adoption, it's you. You're a dream mom. Please do not lose faith.

I admire you so very much.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPJ

P.S. I don't even know you and I'd write you a reference letter in a minute. :-)

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPJ

I'm praying for peace for you and your family in this whole adoption process and I'm praying you get that child. What a blessed kiddo that would be to get you for a mom!

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJenni in KS

I'm hoping for the very best, too. Whatever happens, I am absolutely, positively sure that something big is on the horizon for you. We're here with you in anticipation.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBinky

Anyone who doesn't give you a child to love and care for is out of their mind. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

I'll keep my fingers (and toes) crossed for you....

(btw - delurking for
http://www.schmutzie.com/2007/09/814-great-mofo-delurk-2007.html" title="The Great Mofo Delurk 2007" rel="nofollow">The Great Mofo Delurk 2007)

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJhianna

fingers crossed over here too.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAlley Cat

I'm wishing for the best outcome for you. Will they take letters from bloggers that have never met you/the fam in person but think you're absolutely wonderful and know in our heart of hearts that you, Boo , Fric and Frac will be the ideal family for a child in need ?

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWorker Mommy

Good luck!

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentervelocibadgergirl

You are truly in my prayers. Fourteen years ago we went through an emotional roller coaster ride to adopt twin special needs sons from Child Protective Services and it was so hard dealing with bureaucrats. This will work out beyond your wildest dreams, maybe just not with your timing. I told the boys that God allowed all those barriers because he knew just the boys for us and was waiting until they were available. God bless you and give you strength, no matter what happens.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEarth Girl

I'll be holding my breath until October 17.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercanape

Oh man...I feel like I should hold my breath or something, like that would help...

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterThumper

I wish you the snottiest most shrill child in the universe, you totally deserve them.
Best of luck and happy belated birthday you hot foxy piece of sex.

October 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

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