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Hillbilly Wars - Gone to the Dogs

When I first met my hillbilly neighbors, they seemed normal. Keep in mind, normal is relative. Most people would find my version of normal a tad alarming. Mr. Hillbilly neighbor has er, orthodontic problems to be polite. But scary teeth aren't strange as my father hasn't sat in a dentist chair in over 30 years and I don't think he knows what a toothbrush is. Mrs. Hillbilly neighbor likes to parade around in a tube top and cut off jeans. I believe she likes to pretend she is the Canadian version of Daisy Duke. If you can ignore the sagging, the bagging and the wildly frizzy, blonde-from-a-box hair, and squint just right, perhaps there is a resemblance.

But after spending my life with people my husband insists should be banjo-picking at all times, a little halitosis and a delusional personality won't scare me off. (Sort of reminds me of family.) In hindsight, perhaps it should have. Then I met the Hillbilly dog. Now, if ever a there was a dog born with two sticks shy of a full stack, this dog would be it. But it's a dog, and it's not my dog, so what's not to love, right dear internet?

In retrospect, the hillbilly wars all began with the hillbilly dog. Perhaps there would be love between us rednecks and them hillbillies if not for their dog. (And perhaps my hair will return to it's natural blonde state and I will grow five inches by tomorrow. Doubtful.) It all began when we brought home our angelboy from the hospital. As any baby will do, he filled his britches. Over and over again. We bundled up his soiled diapers and placed them in the garbage, where twice a week, my hubs would cart our waste to the local landfill station.

After three or four weeks of diaper duty, we noticed the hillbilly dog was getting into our garbage. He figured out how to pop open the garbage shed's door and rifle through our litter. Not a big deal, just a pain in our ass, so being the good neighbors we are, we didn't complain, we just fixed the door. A few days later, the hillbillies phoned us and asked if we had a baby. When we said yes they demanded we come over to their yard and clean up the diapers the doggie dragged home and deposited on their front lawn. Apparently, said dog had a poop fetish. (Funny, after weeks of picking up garbage that was scattered by the that damned dog, we never noticed the diapers were missing.) Sadly, we had to turn down their offer to come to their house and clean up the mess their dog made with our diapers.

Needless to say, the neighbors were annoyed by our charitable donations and my once friendly, orthodontically challenged and delusional neighbors turned into a pair of frosty hillbillies. The proverbial shit started to fly. And five years later, our relationship has gone to the dogs. Perhaps I need another baby so that I may make peace offerings.

**There is more on the Hillbilly dog, involving dead chickens and a pool, but in an effort to avoid an epic post, it will have to wait for another installment of the Hillbilly Wars.**
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Reader Comments (14)

Gotta love any story involving feuding neighbors and poop. We had our own little neighborly drama involving hillbillies, a registered sex offender, a dog, an extension cord, and random acts of hedge trimming violence, but there was no poop. That's why your story is much better, and why I will be anxiously awaiting the next installment.

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBinky

Ugh. I can just imagine the mess. And why wouldn't the hillbillies just keep their dog in their yard? Did they even have a fence? Gack. Poop fetish. Gagging now...

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterB.E.C.K.

Tagged you!

Now I will step back and read about the hillbillies...

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother

Hi Michele sent me. Now, I came from Mississippi to Colorado and never dreamed there were hillbillies in Alberta! I've been to Alberta (nice beautiful place that looks so much like Colorado)

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCyndy

Darn you Redneck Mommy! I wuz gonna blog on my neighbors. Now how am I gonna top THIS?

I laughed out loud that you had to "turn down their offer" to come clean up.

Our neighbors got themselves a BIG DAWG. Put up a chain link fence. RUINING the beautiful view in our back yard. It looks like Hogan's Heros back there. And despite the fence, he still shits in our yard. Go figure.

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIt's okay, Sweetie

You should have billed them. You know, for keeping their dog entertained... ;)

Here via Michele's tonight :)

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterThumper

let me wrap my brain around this... the hillbillies expect you to clean up the mess THEIR dog made in THEIR yard after THEIR dog broke into YOUR garbage can and stole the dirty diapers? um, thanks... but no.

here from michele's. :)

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbarbie2be

Hi T. I'm visiting from Michele's.

That is one seriously gross story, T. I can't imagine keeping a dog that would bring home little gems like that. Seriously! There's enough poop production from your average dog already without the critter fetching more. Ewww!

April 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterutenzi

Dogs are so GROSS. Our dog used to do the same occasionally when my kids were still in nappies (that's diapers, for all you Northern Hemisphere-dwellers!) - sneak into a bedroom, knock the bin over, and steal a dirty nappy from the bin, then EAT IT. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

T, just when I think you have told the most outrageous story about your neighbours, you come up with something even worse. I'm waiting for your next post with baited breath.

April 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjellyhead

This is an easy one...
Take a cap full of ammonia and pour it in your garbage after you put it down by the road. HillBilly dog may get the lid open, but he'll have an eye-tearing/nasty-gag-reflex of a surprise once he does...and he will never forget it and never come to your garbage again.
I personally do this every time I take the garbage down to the road because of the loose dogs and wildlife around here. Works like a charm.

April 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBoobless Brigade Master

wow, if things have deteriorated to this point I'd be the evil bitch calling animal control EVERYTIME I saw that dog out of its own yard. If they ahve such a huge problem with shitty diapers they need to keep the dog locked up. You should start pooping in brown bags and leaving them on your porch for Hillbilly Dog to come and retrieve. Then call animal control b/c the dog is out and then sit back and enjoy a good giggle b/c their nasty dog is rolling around in your poop an dthen licking their faces! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

April 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterFidget

Just watch out if you're putting used tampons or pads in that garbage, that's my only warning. Dogs find those irresistable, as well.

I need you to come to my house and clean up the mess my dog made, too, okay? Thanks. :-)

April 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrsFortune

You;d think they would apologise for their dog trespassing and then rooting through your bins. That's hardly your fault! Some people, eh?!

Have a good weekend :)

April 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNikki-ann

Love the magnet joke and your story is so funny. Their dog made the mess in their yard I wouldn't have picked anything up either in their yard. I can't wait for the next part to the story.

April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAbandoned in Pasadena

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