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Thursday
Nov092006

The Road To Hell...


In an effort to restore harmony and goodwill to my nature, I am taking a mini-vacation next week.

I am traveling down to the mountains, staying at a posh resort and I plan on flirting madly with the obscenely young bellboys.

No kids, no husband, no dog. Just me. And my mother. Somebody, shoot me now. It will save me a lot of money, and I'm sure it won't be nearly as painful as being trapped in small quarters with the lady who gave me life.

The upside is the free booze, plush accommodations and the gourmet food I will be ingesting. (Good thing I didn't buy any skinny jeans. I am sure to pack on a few extra pounds...)

The downside is, well, my mother. But I'm trying to look at the upside to this mini-vacation. I'm going to be trapped in a vehicle for five hours,alone with my mother, to listen to her nag, whine and criticize. I will have ample time to learn something new about my mother during our travels. I am going to have to drink like a fish to keep my sanity. I plan on taking advantage of the free wine-tasting courses available at the Lodge. I am going to have to sleep with one eye open the entire time. I should remember to bring my own pillows.

How did I get sucked into this expensive, ill-advised mini-vacation from hell, you ask?

I was duped. I was supposed to be going with my sister, who backed out at the last second and my darling mom decided to take her place. I was trapped like a rat.

So now I am looking for a sitter for Nixon, the World's Greatest Dog. Ever.

Because the people I am trusting with my children are notorious dog killers.

And I don't trust them with my hairy, farthing baby.

Ironic, isn't it? They're good enough for my flesh, but not good enough for my pup.

And after four days of hell, you can bet your ass this momma is gonna need a lot of doggy kisses to recover from her personal perdition.
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Reader Comments (14)

But, it's your mama. There's no one else like your mama, good, bad, or indifferent. My advice is to go, enjoy yourself, drink some, eat some, talk some, and sleep with both eyes closed. You might actually have a good time with your mama. I know I would give my eye teeth to be going anywhere with my mama, especially since she's been gone since 1993.

Can't wait to hear all about your expensive mini-vacation. Next time, let me know and I will pretend to be your mama and go with you. You never know. We might actually have fun.

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMotherkitty

Go have a blast. It's going to be great, you'll see.

I started laughing about Nixon. I'm the same with Daisy. The daughter can fend for herself, but the pup? No way. LOL ...

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

I did this once with my mother. I expected about as much as you do, but it turned out we had a great time.

Try and relax. You know if all else fails you still have the booze!

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertoyfoto

I bet you'll learn something. I have no idea what, but something. Hopefully it will be illuminating in a good way. I'll be looking forward to hearing how it all went down.

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterECR

Ha! I am the same way. A babysitter that's good with my kid? Great! But isn't good with the dogs? That's a total deal breaker for me.

Good luck with your mom. Just keep remembering that she gave birth to you and someday your kids will feel the same way about you. ;)

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicky

Not that I would do this, but...maybe you can get your mom all liquored up and she'll pass out and then you won't have to talk to her.

As far as Nixon goes? Leave the toilet seat up and leave a bag of dog food on the kitchen floor. Kinda like what ya do with your kids on Saturday mornings.

Ok ok..maybe that's how we roll on Saturdays. I get confused at times.

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkimmyk

If this were me and my mother, I'd call this game "Russian Roulette at The Spa."

I hope you at least get a good massage!

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Chicken

man i feel your pain! vacatining with parents can be tiresome!

and yet, i plan to spend two weeks at christmas time with them!

good luck. may the force be with you!

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermelanie

Thank so, so much for writing about your Bug. I just lost my son. And just needed to say thanks, and I'm so sorry about your baby.

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCharmingDriver

Enjoy your time off. Just think positive thoughts and free MINIBAR. What more could you want besides an bellboy that looks like a Backstreet Boy.

November 9, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterEmmaSometimes

You can't fool me! I bet you really love your mama or you would already be feining sickness, a quick & easy way out.

I can't wait to hear what you and your mama get into.

Have fun.

November 10, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAbandoned in Pasadena

Does it say anything about the quality of my life that a trip with my mom would be a blissful idea?

Try to have fun. Remember, though, if you don't, you can always blog about it. :)

November 11, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterstefanierj

OMG These people have no idea who your mother is and how it goes between you two. I can't believe you have not faked your own death to get out of it. Good luck, make an appointment with your therapist for the day you get home!

November 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJojo

Good to visit you and read of this mini trip to hell....! (LOL) You have such a wonderful funny way with words my dear that though I know this is going to be a horrific time....You make me laugh, anyway! LOL! What a gift!

November 12, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterOldOldLady Of The Hills

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