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press charities Attack of the Redneck Mommy


Who Let the Dogs Out?

This past week I was convinced a mischievous ghost was haunting my house.

Weird things were happening. It was subtle at first; so much so that I hardly noticed it at first but one morning, at around 6 am, I realized something was out of place when I opened my eyes.

I woke up and the first thing I saw wasn't this:

There was no giant dog with his head on my bed, breathing moist warm dog breath right into my face in an effort to wake me up. In fact, there was no giant dog anywhere in my bedroom.

I called Abbott's name a few times and waiting to hear the familiar clicking of his paws across our floor but the only thing I heard was the chirping of the birds from outside my bedroom window and the soft whirr of our ceiling fan.

Worried, I got up to look for Abbott, hoping one of the kids had locked him in their bedrooms with him over night and that he hadn't been dog napped in the dead of the night when I noticed something out on our deck.

I looked outside the front door and saw this staring back at me:

"Let me in Mommy!"

Weird. I didn't recall waking up and letting my dog out in the middle of the night but maybe one of the kids did. I didn't give it any more thought as I crawled back into bed with my big puppy.

Except the same thing happened the next morning.

And then the next morning. 

And the morning after that. 

I kept waking up to realize my dog is not in my face and finding him outside on the deck. The kids claimed they weren't letting him out and I know I certainly wasn't, so WHO LET THE DOG OUT?

*Who let the dogs out?*

*woof woof woof woof*

(Sorry. That song is the worst earworm ever.)

After a week of waking up and finding my dog randomly outside on my front deck, I was starting to freak out. The idea of someone opening up my front door, luring my giant dog outside and then rooting through my underwear drawer (I have no evidence of that actually happening, but my imagination is ACTIVE) I was starting to lose sleep. 

Every morning as I let the dog back into the house in the wee hours of the dawn, I'd peer around nervously looking for the ghost/goblin/creeper who was messing with my dog and I and Abbott would just look at me like this:

It was the look of a guilty hound if I ever saw one. He knew what was going on, but the damn dog just wasn't going to tell me.

I thought about setting up a sting, to bust the intruder but that seemed like a lot of not sleeping and well, that seemed like work.

I thought about asking the kids to set up a sting but they're already talking about having me committed to an institution of some sort and well, why give them more reason?

I thought about having an exorcism performed but when I mentioned it to my husband he just laughed and told me to stop watching scary movies.

I went to bed that night determined to catch the criminal/ghost who was messing with my dog. The next morning I woke up to Abbott breathing in my face and pressing his nose into mine.

He was in the house! 

For the next few days, all was right with my world. Abbott was exactly where he was supposed to be in the mornings. Everything was back to normal.

Until I started seeing my dog outside in the middle of the day, when he was supposed to be inside, with me.

The only people who are home in the days are Knox and myself and neither of us is letting the dog out.

So who is letting the dog out?

*Who let the dogs out?*

*woof woof woof woof*

(Sorry. I can't help myself.)

And then last night, I saw this:

My front door was wide open. Immediately, I looked around for the dog. He was on his dog bed, his ears cocked, and he was looking at me with an "I don't know" look.

"Damn gremlins," I mumbled as I shut the door.

I walked into the kitchen, wondering if I really was losing my mind and busied myself with unloading the dishwasher.

That's when I heard it. 

A click. The click my door handle makes when it's opened.

I ran to the front door and I saw this:

I stood there for a few seconds and worried about ghosts when it dawned on me. 

My dog is taller than the door handle. 

Abbott is the ghost/gremlin/creeper.

Abbott learned how to open the front door.

I needed proof though, so I put the dog back in the house and then I stood on the deck, calling his name.

And just like that, my dog was using his paw to open the front door, like it was no big deal. All those mornings I found him on the front deck with the door closed? His big arse must have pushed the door shut. He can open it from inside the house, but he can't pull the door open from the outside. It's one way only dog magic up here.

I'm spending the day baby proofing my front door today because my dog is an escape artist.

I guess I should be grateful I'm not insane. At least not yet. Between the dog and the teens, surely I'm well on my way.

Don't worry Mom. I'll get you there yet. #crazytown

*Psst: Have you commented on this post? Go save a life and help the Shot At Life campaign succeed. Go be someone's superhero today. 

Reader Comments (41)

Bahahaha! Our screen door doesn't latch properly, and Snerf has honed in on that. Smart little buggers ;)

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMagz

Ha! Our dog is obsessed with closing doors. I wish (especially early in the morning) she would let herself out instead.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterChaosRu

Ha ha ha, that's hilarious! He'll send you to the nut farm yet!

It's a good thing he's so effing adorable :)

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKat

He's adorable. Huge. But adorable.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAbbie

A couple years ago I accused my daughters of making a HELLA mess in my fridge. Nobody fessed up until one day I caught the culprit red-handed. My 100-pound Akita/Golden mix had popped open the fridge with his face and was helping himself to an open can of spaghetti-o's on the top shelf.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

We use to have the same problem. We changed out the door knobs to the plain round ones. I use to worry about all the other critters that may sneak in when the door was left open!

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

We use to have the same problem. We changed out the door knobs to the plain round ones. I use to worry about all the other critters that may sneak in when the door was left open!

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

Hehe! Oh, Abbott! I don't have any pups, but I do have three obnoxious kitties, one who really loves to get in the icebox freezer. I'm still have no idea how he does this, but he's done it a few times now. I have yet to catch him in the act, but for the life of me I can't imagine why he would want to enter the frozen tundra that is my freezer anyway!

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi

Too funny!! A friend was saying her son had to change the door handles (similar to yours) at his house because the cat was opening the door! Animals are way to smart!

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJacquie

We had a lab like that. He got out and ran away the day we moved from one state to another. It sucked.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMom Off Meth

Glad you figured out that your house is not haunted! :)
Abbott is adorable, and apparently very, very smart.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

When I was about 11, my parents kept finding the fridge door open in the mornings. They, of course, accused me of getting up at night and helping myself to the fridge contents, and leaving the door wide open. This went on for WEEKS, with me protesting my innocence the entire time. The day after Thanksgiving, they finally found the culprit, after we all came home to an open fridge, with a trail of turkey carcass bit out of the kitchen, down the hall, all the way to...the cat!

He'd learned to lay on the floor, hold onto the fridge frame, and use his back legs to kick the door open. My folks ended up having to duct-tape the fridge door closed. Every time they had friends over, there would be a lengthy conversation about the duct-tape, ending with a cat demonstration, because no one ever believed us until they saw it with their own eyes!

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCrickett

If ever one of my dogs was smart enough to figure this out, I'd be broke. Every time my little dog gets out he costs me roughly $500 in the form of an injured or dead cat. Abbott is not allowed anywhere near Brutus, I don't want that beast getting any funny ideas. :)

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAngi

better than peeing in the house!

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkyooty

Oh! Guess we should have warned you about that huh? LOL wait till he gets your car keys! Hahahaha, maybe he's looking for a companion?? Just saying! Hehehehe.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterian

Lol...He sure is a beauty of a big baby! Love the story!

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHuskerMama


August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Estrogen Files

You are very large, Abbott.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersteve shilstone

When I saw the photo of the two orange kitties, I immediately put blame on them. My cats are always "helping" the dog out.. Usually retrieving something off the counter. JUST wonderful to see the cats throw down food for the dog and almost do a jig with excitement when she eats it..

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMySoulBlazing

A friend of mine build a really fancy shmancy house when they moved to the area, actually before I met her and her family. We're talking the giant mansion type homes. And they finally moved in. And randomly during the day, when it was just her and the baby, she'd find the back door open. So she'd call the contractor and raise hell about the defective door. Contractor came and looked at it and nothing. It was a brand new house so ghosts were not really a viable option although I guess it could have been an exorcised ghost. Anyway, this went on for about a week and she was convinced she was losing her mind. Until she was standing in the kitchen and saw the cat jump up and open the door. And walked right out.

August 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

Maybe he had to let the kitties in? :)

He is so very adorable!

August 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJean

That is the funniest thing I have seen in a while! What a smart pooch :)

hahaha - hilarious!

August 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I hope I can still post and be a superhero.
Also, - that is CRAZY about Abbott opening the door!
Cheers from Atlanta -

August 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSassC

With that face and expression? Your pup could get away with anything!

August 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTerri

Our neighbour had a boxer that could jump a 5 foot fence and who kept trying to make friend with our dogs through the patio door. It only stopped when the neighbour raised her fence by another foot.

One of my dogs can undo velcro and zips - nothing can be left at her level because she will empty the whole bag looking for sweets. Stupidly I left my bag at her level one day last week and she and the baby dog ate a full bag of salt water taffy complete with wrappers. Now it would have been impressive had they been able to get the wrappers of those sweets!

Bwahahaha. My brother lives in a converted cotton mill in New Orleans and his golden retriever could open the door to his flat because the lock would disengage whenever you pushed down the lever from the inside. Dog would either wander down the hall to visit neighbors or hang out by the elevator until he could catch a ride down to the lobby where he hung out with the doorman. Brother finally figured out how to doggieproof the door without violating the association rules.
Some dogs has smarts. Some dogs, like mine, just look pretty.

August 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSusannahS

Oh sweet Abbot...you giant goober.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPyroCrashtic

I was having coffee at a friends house one day when I saw a blur of brown and white run past her house. I thought boy does that look like my dog. But I had left my dog in my locked house that is surrounded by a 6' fence. Something told me to take a closer look and sure enough it WAS my dog. He learned how to open our back door, jump up onto my husband's motorcycle and over the fence,
We had to change the back door handle and lock as well as move the motorcycle.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTracey

Your huge dog is adorable. We had a cat who opened the tub of butter and any other container of that sort. We had four cats and a dog at that time, so it took a while to figure out the guilty party. We would walk into the kitchen and see the butter on the floor and all the animals licking butter off their whiskers.

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterConnie Ward

Bwaaaaahahahaha! My friend has a "Polish dog door" as she calls it (she's Polish)...the dog broke the screen in the screen door so she can go in and out whenever she wants. Creative little buggers!

You're probably way too famous to accept it, but I wanted to let you know I nominated you for a blog award anyway :) You can see it here :)

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered Commenter"Just" A Mom

Too stinking funny! We had a cat that could open the door.

August 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCandace

I never see ghosts, I never get abducted by aliens, I never see Bigfoot.

August 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAgent 54

On the one hand we want our dogs to be able to open the door and lets us in instead of barking their heads off until we lets ourselves in and they can pounce on us and lick our faces off. On the other hand, I'm glad we have those rounds doorknobs that their paws can't manipulate, and so they can't run away in the dead of the night :D

August 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPallavi

Hahaha! That is hilarious. I love his face!!

August 26, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterOld School/New School Mom

So funny. Dogs have a way of making us laugh like nothing else. After baby love, dog love is pretty darn great.
Thanks for sharing this fun story.

August 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDaria


August 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBeth H

Thank you so much for writing this post and supporting Shot@Life! I've volunteered on the campaign since the beginning and believe so passionately in the cause.

August 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNicole Melancon

Great post. Thanks for supporting Shot@Life

August 31, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersteph

Our huge labrador collie wolf ( nah I'm lying about the wolf ,he just looks part wolf ) dog can open both our back doors ....we ve been alerted many a time by the cold breeze running through the house , muddy door handle and grinning hair casting slobbery beast looking at from the best couch . I would nt mind if only he could pull e door closed after him but that really would be magic .

September 2, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterUna

You got a cute dog! Your do looks like my dog :)

October 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAbby Ang
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