Tricky Whisker
Monday, March 11, 2013 I have a whisker on my cheek.
A WHISKER.
Not a chin whisker, I've been sprouting those for years now. Not a boob whisker, I've been plucking those for almost a decade.
(Sorry to kill any hair-free boob fantasies you may have held.)
A cheek whisker. Like the ones my husband and my son grow and shave off when the mood strikes them. Except, unlike the whiskers Bruce and Nash grow, this whisker is not blonde.
No. It's long and black. A thick wirey whisker. Pointing out of my cheek like it's an old fashioned radio antenna looking for a signal.
You know who grows cheek whiskers? Men and old women. I'm too young to be old so the only logical conclusion is I'm turning into a man.
To add insult to hairy injury, my whisker moves. I can never catch it to pluck it. Oh sure, I'll crane my head, use two mirrors, the brightest lights and the sharpest tweezers, but I can never find it. I'll think to myself, "oh, it was a false alarm, that long hair I was just fondling, it doesn't really exist." And I'll put the tweezers and the mirrors down and turn off the bright lights and walk away.
My tricky whisker? It is still there. I'm walking around with a whisker. It's similar to walking around with toilet paper stuck to one's shoe. You don't notice it until someone points it out and then you die of mortification.
"Um, Tanis? There is something on your cheek. It looks like a smudge."
I rub my cheek, and ask "Is it gone?" and that's when they'll furrow their brows and then look closer and I can tell the moment they realize what it is that caught their eye.
"Oh! It's not a smudge! It's a WHISKER! Holy, it's kinda long!" And then they'll proceed to try and yank it out of my face except they will only succeed in pinching my skin and shaming me. My tricky whisker will live on to see another day.
Rinse and repeat. Day after day.
I know the day is coming that soon my tricky whisker will have company. I'll soon sprout a field full of cheek whiskers. There is no such thing as a sole whisker. They get lonely. Ask my chin. Or my chest.
My immediate future.
I turned 37 and it all went to crap. My fine lines are actual wrinkles, I've old lady acne and now, man hair. On top of all of this, there is no way anyone could ever use the word 'perky' to describe me unless they're talking about my sparkling personality.
Don't get me wrong. I'm healthy and I'm happy. I'm just also kinda hairy now. In ways I never was before. I look at my beautiful daughter, morphing into a woman, more so every day, and I marvel. I once looked like that.
Smooth. Whiskerless. Youthful.
She's an unlined blank canvass, ready to take on womanhood.
I can't wait for her whiskers to come in.
Misery loves company after all.
Next up: neck whiskers and a full beard!
***Postscript***
Bruce has since informed me that I already have neck whiskers. He said he didn't want to point them out to me because I get all weird and hysterical about stuff like that but he insists they are cute. And by cute, he means, turn to the left and lean a bit because if I stand in the right spot while he's playing games online, he's convinced all my whiskers will help channel faster Internet signal into his Xbox.
I've since scheduled to have everything between my forehead and my belly button waxed.
I'm also looking into traveling circuses. Anyone need a bearded lady?
29 Comments • posted in humor
Reader Comments (29)
I was once in your shoes. Unfortunately, my glasses don't allow me to focus when looking at things to the side very well, so I've had to resort to asking one of my daughters to come get "this pokey hair off my face!" It's terrible when you can feel the durned thing, but can't see well enough to pull it out.
Misery does love company. Welcome to the club!
Too true.
Got breast cancer last year at 40. Something they don't tell you is that is can "push" you in to menopause. Now dealing with all kinds of hairy wasn't ready for!
I was beginning to think you meant your "nether"cheeks - why else would you need two mirrors and acrobatics to see it? When you mentioned that others had seen it, I wondered then if you had joined a nudist colony. While I've always (since puberty) had hair growing there, it wasn't until I aged sufficiently that they grew to such length that they I could see them.
I have one, too-- on the left side of my face. I'd lke to name the little fella, because whether I pluck it or shave it, it just keeps coming back. At first, I was going to pick something obvious-- like HARRY.
Now I'm thinking of naming him something more original. Like Templeton, or Nicodemus. He's been around so long, I think I'd miss him if he didn't come back.
Now the boob hairs? Those things scare the bejeebus out of me.
If it helps (which it might, if you're up for some misery-company), my girlfriend is 26 and has had a thick, bristly neck whisker for several years now. It also migrates, and she will let me cut it, but won't let me pluck it, because she hates tweezers. I only cut it because otherwise I generally assume it's a stray hair and try to brush it away, only to rediscover that it is, in fact, growing out of the side of her neck.
She might actually enjoy having a beard, though. She's dykey enough that she's often mistaken for a man if people aren't looking very carefully (somehow the boobs don't give it away) and her complete lack of facial hair (besides the little neck guy) generally leads people to assume she's about 14. She gets carded when sitting in the exit row of an airplane.
So, uh, yeah. People of the stubbornly misplaced whiskers, unite?
Great. I turn 37 in 2 weeks. Can't wait for the cheek hair to catch up with the chin & other strange places! Out of curiosity, do you have grey hair on your head? Or only in your eyebrows and pubes? Not that I know anyone like that...just curious...
Tanis, I hate to tell you, but by forty, you could be me, plucking about 20 black whiskers a day and doing a shave-down before important meetings and blog conferences with your husbands razor.
Egads.
I might look into electrolysis.
I just turned 36 and it's like suddenly, I'm old all over. It's something I'm truly struggling with lately (and I wish more people our age wrote about it, so thank you!)
Steph
You can not be the bearded lady. I am. (I'm 42 - I am many whiskers ahead of you.)
I recently read the book Bearded Lady by Mara Altman. It was really funny. I highly suggest it if you want a good belly laugh about the fight against body hair.
Hey, I discovered a whisker on my chin the other day. Then I discovered several hundred other whiskers ALL OVER MY FACE. Then I remembered that I was a guy.
Welcome to the WhiskerSisterHood: "It only gets hairier from here." - The sisterhood should pool together their precariously pulled boar bristle like hairs and put them in a "pot"- we could have "arts and crafts" nights...make our own scrub brushes! or indoor outdoor shoe mats!- or the ever popular "modern art."
ok,...im even grossing myself out now....
I've been getting chin hairs since I was pregnant with my daughter (13 yrs ago) which are always thick and black. Every once in a while though my body decides to sprout a thick white one in the middle of my right cheek. I'm brunette..... You are not alone Tanis!
Honey, hold on to your hat...a few stray whiskers are nothing...wait until "the change" really kicks in...then you loose hair in all the places you used to have hair... it's like "the beaver" goes bald...The legs and underarms never have stubble again..I can shave my legs once a year..Hey, I'm not complaining..no monthly tantrums, not a lot of razor expense and old ladies can say and do pretty much what they want to...Old age is not as bad as you think!! Enjoy that whisker..Be proud!!
So at 27 this is what I have to look forward to in the next ten years. Nice to know.
WhiskerSisterHood: those of us who actually have many sets of tweezers, bathroom, makeup bag, night stand, purse...office desk drawer, car cup holder. All because these little f*^%ers pop up whenever, wherever.
It's either deal with IT immediately, or play with it self consciously until the creeper can be plucked. Welcome to middle age.
Omigosh - this made me LOL, especially because it reminded me of an incident with my hubby this weekend. It was a sunny day and I was driving. We were stopped at a light to speak to him and mid sentence, he reached out and pulled at what he thought was "fluff" on my cheek. But it hurt! Turned out it was a long, fine blonde hair - technically a whisker! I was mortified he noticed it and even more that I've been walking around with it for who knows how long. We laughed but secretly I know we were both thinking "OMG".
I'm with ya sister. 37 was not kind.
"Misery loves company after all."
THIS is why the older generation always says, "Just wait!!"
HAHA
The giant black hair that sprouted from my chin this morning after I left the house, wherein lie my tweezers, is now named "Tanis."
Chin whisker, cheek hair, boob hair, left elbow hair...it's sexy times. Solidarity!
Haha....46 yrs old here.....waxed for years....became kinda expensive.....I said fack it....just shave now.....just like hubby...after he leaves....or if its the weekend he thinks I'm "grooming"....yah I'm grooming...my freekin face....i have upper lip....lower lip....chin and neck....fun times ya'll...it's coming...lol....gyno is FINALLY checking my hormones.....oh...ya think?????
At age 56, I'm with Lora, although I still have to shave under my arms. I go with electrolysis for my face/neck hair. I have nightmares about being in an accident, and having clean underwear, but hair starts growing on my face. Not a pretty thought-I want to look good in a hospital bed! :-)
ROFL, having recently turned 38 I am right up there with you! Its nice to know its not just me :)
I have to shave my chin, upper lip and neck every morning and by evening I have a five o'clock shadow, I quickly worried that something must be horribly wrong with my hormonal levels so I ran to get blood drawn, waited for the results, only to hear nope levels are fine "you are just getting old" Thanks doc, thanks what every woman wants to hear.
My mom used to tell the story of her grandmother sporting a long white hair from her upper lip as if it were a joke. Now that I'm in my mid, okay late forties, it's not a joke any more. QUIT CHORTLING, MOM!
I am too much of a wus to tweeze, but I use one of those little facial trimmers every other day to hack back the bristly stuff on my face. I leave the softer hairs alone (sideburns, etc) unless they start getting long because otherwise, where would I stop? Egads. I come from fuzzy people. The other month I noticed I had longer hairs growing on my wrists. Gah! Fortunately, all of the hairs are mostly light except one amazingly black bristle under my nose that grows like it's trying to escape. *sigh*
"It only gets hairier from here." Too true.
Not only does it get hairier but the black hairs will turn GRAY/WHITE! The only thing worse than you first gray hair on your head is your first gray chest hair. But before you go gray, there is hope if you have an extra $500 bucks. The Tria home laser really helped reduce the amount of hair I had and the time I spent plucking. It was totally worth it. But the laser doesn't work on gray so I better keep it up.