Down, but not Out

My darling husband, Boo, is in the hospital.

Respiratory Illness.

I won't be posting until my world is rightside up once more.

But I will be lurking about, like a bad ghost....


Afterall, what else is there to do in a hospital?


Update: Boo will be fine. If he quits flirting with the damn nurses he should be home tomorrow. Where he will start whining and bitching and driving me crazy from the confines of our bed. Should be a good time. Maybe I can sweet talk one of the nurses to come and take care of him while I go do something productive. Like drink a martini and shop for shoes.

Afterall, he looks mighty cute in powder blue hospital jammies. Brings out the blue in his eyes. Along with the sexy stubble and the husky voice, this might not be a hard sell. Hmmm...

A Fairy Is Born

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful lady who gave birth to her fair haired darling. People would stop by her room and gaze upon this lovely golden child and then ask "Where did she come from? Is she the milk man's daughter?" The beautiful lady would finger her own raven locks and serenely reply, "No, she must have fairie blood in her." And to prove this point, the beautiful lady would point to the golden child's right ear, which is indeed, the pointed ear of a fairy.

Well, mother, I do believe time has shown it's hand, and I'm no fairy. But I do still believe in them. Especially today, the day of my birth.

So as I sat and pondered, I thought to myself, how do I celebrate my 31st birthday? Do I get another tattoo? (Not if I wanted to keep my husband) Do I do more body modification? ( The only parts left to pierce are a tad sensitive. Ouch.) Do I throw myself a birthday party, grab a bottle of vino and sit in the corner, rocking out and mulling over my life? (Too depressing. I'll do it for my 37th.)

Then it dawned on me: In my bloggy absence I missed my dearest friend, Jojo's birthday. I had big plans for that post. So why don't I kill two egos birds with one post?

You see, I met Jojo when I was twelve. I was this awkward, gangly misfit who would cry at the drop of the hat. I walked into my grade 7 class and the only damn seat left was the seat directly in front of the teacher's desk. Any hope for becoming a cool kid quickly disappeared as I took my seat and fought back tears. As I looked around, I saw other sniveling, nervous kiddies but in the back of the room a girl quickly caught my eye. She was wearing makeup. Heavy green eyeliner and frosted pink lipstick. She was sooo cool. We were destined to be friends.

She took pity on me, and I charmed her with my superior wit and sharp intellect. And we became fast friends. Bus rides home, shopping at the mall, bike rides back and forth between houses, and scary seances in the spare room complete with candles. Jojo was the only friend who would rent Friday the 13th movies for me and then provide me with a pillow to scream into and headphones to tune the sounds of torturous screams out of my mind.

Then her family moved across the damn country. And it broke our hearts. But every summer she would come back.

Jojo was my only friend in the city who knew and loved my parents. My dad's redneck ways amused her and my mom's shrew-like anger amused her. Some how she managed to do what I never could do. She charmed my parents. Her easy laughter and stupid jokes made them love her even more. And I would wish the summer would never end.

Together we were so cool. Even when we put pillows on our heads and walked around like goobers, we rocked. Even when Jojo got so drunk that she hurled all over the inside of my dad's brand new truck, we rocked. Or the time that we stayed up until 6 a.m. thinking that my dad wouldn't notice, and snuck back into my bedroom, we rocked. Although, when he woke us up at 8 a.m. and told us to get our asses in gear and paint the fence, we didn't rock so much then.

And then there was the time my dad, while wearing nothing but a pair of dirty tighty whiteys, chased my boyfriend down the block, we alternated between hysterical giggles and overdramatic tears. But we rocked.

And when my beautiful son, Shalebug died last October, she flew across the country to spend ten days with me. She mourned the little man she never knew. She looked at endless photos and listened to me sob. She held my hand and wiped my tears. She made me laugh. She made me watch Survivor. (Could you tell I was in shock?) She charmed my kids and swept my floors. She reminded me it was okay to laugh while I cried and to remember the dead by telling silly stories. And when she was convinced I wouldn't walk off a bridge or neglect my kids, she hugged me hard and flew home. Like a pillow-wearing angel.

Last year, on my 30th birthday, surrounded by Boo and friends, I toasted that my 30th year would be my best year ever. 24 days later, my world crashed and I lost a piece of myself I will never get back. It has taken me all of this year to put the pieces of who I am back together. And like a broken vase, hastily mended with glue, the pieces don't all fit perfectly. Some are missing altogether. But I'm mending, with the glue of friendship.

So today, on my 31st birthday, instead of mourning this past year, I choose to celebrate some of the best times of my life. And show you, dear internet, my awkward geekiness. Which has morphed into this Redneck Mommy. Today, I celebrate what these three decades have brought me. And instead of looking toward the future, I want to pay homage to my past.

Because in my 31 years I have only been blessed with a few kindred spirits. Boo, Roxylynn, and Jojo. All three must be fairies too.

I love you all.

Battle Weary

As a parent, I have had to get used to the idea that dishes will be broken, milk will be spilled and a variety of household items will just simply vanish. As a parent, I have been introduced (and since become good friends with ) the invisible gremlin known as Not Me.

It is always Not Me's fault at our house. Even when I catch poor Fric and Frac in the act of wrong doing, they still try to pin the blame on poor old Not Me. But now, as they are aging, and maturing, they have stopped tormenting sad little Not Me. You see, dear internet, they have found another fool to pin the blame on. Each other. Now they just simply respond. "Wasn't me, must have been Frac," and vice versa. And then they go to their private little command posts, go over the battle plans and tighten up their strategy. All in the efforts of winning this war I like to call :Operation Drive Mommy Mad.

I must admit, at times I've found it amusing. Others, maddening. And in the morning, when that beautiful yellow school bus, driven by my very own angel of mercy, stops at the bottom of my driveway and picks up my soldiers, I am relieved. And grateful. For I have survived yet another day, another battle. (Let them practice their skills of seemingly innocent sorcery on the school teachers. For at least they have been prepared for such battles. This mommy needs a break.)

Because I have a new battle to face. A war which must be won. No matter the cost.

Redneck Mommy versus Nixon. World's. Greatest. Dog. Ever.

And I will sadly report that Nixon has better battle plans than I was prepared for. He just bends his puppy ear back and looks at me with his puppy eyes, and I'm lost.

It doesn't matter that he was raping my oldest, most precious teddy bear from my childhood. Mr. Pink Elephant. It doesn't matter that he discovered the joys of the garbage can. What's a little piddle between friends? Right, dear internet?

Until I walked into this scene. Charles was terrorized, raped and then eviscerated. My Charles, sweet Charles, the first teddy my darling Boo ever won for me at a carnival.

It's not right dear internet. I will avenge my dear Charles. Bring it on Nixon. I'm not scared of you. Fric and Frac have a battle hardened mommy.

Just keep your damn ears pointed up, and your tongue in your mouth. Then we will see whose the boss around here.