My husband gave me an anniversary present last night when he came home. Even though we had agreed not to exchange any presents because after 15 years the only thing either of us really needs is enough money to pay for the monstrosity of a garage he started to build and a rubber room to stick the two of us for when we lose our minds while building the darn thing.
However, my husband has never been great at abiding by the rules and thus the giant smile he wore as he handed me a rather large heavy box.
I carefully opened up the card, expecting one of those flowery cards with a horribly sweet poem scrawled in flowing letters that always make me want to laugh and vomit at the same time that my husband seems to prefer buying me and was pleasantly surprised to see a cute image of a bear holding a net with hearts in it.
You're the catch of a lifetime! Happy Anniversary with love, it read.
Cute. Simple. Non-gag inducing. I approved.
But then, underneath, my husband had carefully written:
"You may be a great wife but I give the best head in this relationship!"
If I had been drinking anything, I'm pretty sure I'd have choked on it.
"Are you serious? For one, are you kidding me and secondly, what if the kids see this? We can't afford the therapy bills this card will cost us Boo!"
"Just open your present," he grinned.
So I did.
Apparently crystal is the traditional gift for 15 years of marriage. Crystal Head Vodka totally counts.
He's right. He really does give the best head.
15 years of marriage and he finally gets me.
Maybe that two-headed duck I want isn't such an impossibility after all.
PLEASE NOTE THAT CRYSTAL HEAD VODKA IS NOT IN ANY WAY AFFLIATED WITH KAH TEQUILA; THEY ARE TWO SEPARATE (AND YET AWESOME) BRANDS. ALSO, I CAN SPEAK WITH AUTHORITY THAT CRYSTAL HEAD VODKA IS YUMMY FOR MY TUMMY BUT I'VE NOT TRIED THE KAH TEQUILA. YET.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is a mother, has a mother or you know, is a mother lover. And if you are looking for some awesomely naughty and completely inappropriate things to probably never buy another human being let along your mother, may I encourage you to go read my latest post over at Hogwash From a Hoser? Because I wrote about some of the most delightfully bad gift ideas ever and ended up wanting at least half of them.
You may not be inspired but hopefully you will be amused. And possibly a little disgusted by humanity.
It's my mother's day gift to you all.